Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Joe Biden and Senator Mitch McConnell.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are President Joe Biden and Senator Mitch McConnell.
JERRY
Welcome Gentlemen.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
Hey, fellas. Don’t you think Nancy Pelosi looks like Betty Boop?
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
It depends which facelift.
BIDEN
Turtle man, you could use a facelift. You’re the only person I know whose psychiatrist told you to lie face down on the couch.
MCCONNELL
For that remark, I’m going to make you a one term President.
BIDEN
Won’t work. I’m a Senator. Shucks, I mean Congressman. Damn it, I’m the Vice President of the United States of America!
JERRY
You’re the 46th President of the United States.
BIDEN
C’mon man. You’re joking.
MCCONNELL
It’s true.
BIDEN
Then I’m your boss, Turtle.
MCCONNELL
Enjoy your short term in office. I’m focused on stopping everything in your administration. Ted Cruz and I are upset that Big Bird talked to Dr. Gupta about getting the Covid vaccine, just because that overstuffed chicken was scared of the virus. The only thing Americans should fear is Marjorie Taylor-Greene.
JERRY
Yep. She’s the only person uglier than you.
JERRY
Joe. Name all the things you accomplished since being elected President.
BIDEN
Sure. I got Covid shots in the arms of millions of Americans. My Infrastructure bill passed with bi-partisan support. We’re back in the Climate Change game. And I defeated Ronald Reagan.
JERRY
You mean Donald Trump.
BIDEN
I beat that asshole? The Lord works in mysterious ways.
MCCONNELL
That’s one thing we both agree. Trump is an asshole.
JERRY
Turtle. Do you know the difference between Reagan and Trump?
MCCONNELL
No.
JERRY
If Trump gets Alzheimer’s, his IQ will go up.
BIDEN
Here’s the deal. Alcohol can also cause memory loss. But it can also cause memory loss.
MCCONNELL
Duncan, I might cut Biden some slack. I have an appointment with the Wizard of Oz to get a heart.
JERRY
Really?
MCCONNELL
No. I don’t have a spine. I need to maintain my reputation for killing bills. For instance, I won’t raise the debt ceiling in December. Let’s default on debt payment and rattle the markets. Shutdown the government. Remember, Republicans take care of big money, because big money takes care of them.
BIDEN
Well, I have a heart. The next part of my Build Back America Act will provide a safety net for Americans and reduce carbon pollution. It will expand child tax credits so parents can go to work. Expand Medicaid and Medicare so people can have better health. All for the low cost of $1.50. I mean $150. Crap, I mean $1.5 trillion.
JERRY
What do you think, Turtle?
MCCONNELL
Rich folks will have to pay for all the gimmicks. We don’t want to pay for anything. Let the middle class and poor eat cake!
JERRY
There’s no cake left. Chris Christy had the last piece for lunch.
MCCONNELL
What?! Now I’m depressed. You know, often times I feel ugly.
JERRY
How do you overcome it?
MCCONNELL
I look at Ted Cruz and then I’m okay.
BIDEN
Here’s my advice to Americans. You stay healthy by exercising and eating right. No processed food or sweetened beverages. I’m so disciplined that I ended my friendship with an old classmate Chris P. Bacon.
JERRY
On that note, signing off from the Cornball Express. See you tomorrow
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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