Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about renaming the Staple Center, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Staple Center, Crypto.com Arena — Staple Center to be renamed Crypto.com Arena.

L.A’s Staple Center will be renamed Crypto.com Arena

Look for the seats to now go anywhere from $3 to $60K depending on when you buy the ticket.

Ryan Reynolds couldn’t stop talking about sex with Blake Lively

Me, too, and I’ve never actually met her.

Ivermectin study retracted after data found to be completely wrong

Now, tap your foot once on the ground if you believe this, twice if you don’t.

Mississippi originally banned Sesame Street

They thought it wasn’t suitable for those in PreKKK.

Biden undergoes colonoscopy ahead of his birthday

Look for the NY Post to report they found another Hunter Biden laptop …

Three people killed and hundreds injured from scorpion stings during thunderstorms in Egypt

… damn, hide your oldest male child, Egyptians …

Rittenhouse found not guilty on all counts

Let’s face it – you could see the Rittenhouse verdict coming from Sarah Palin’s house.

Russell Wilson has abysmal return, Seahawks shutout 17-0 by Packers

Seattle stunk so bad in the game against the Packers even Aaron Rodgers could smell them.

House votes to hold Steve Bannon in criminal contempt

We’ll see what happens, but Steve Bannon looks less like a guy who pleads the fifth and more like a guy who drinks a fifth.

34 New York City cops refused to get the vaccine

That’s it? There’ve been more actors playing cops on Law and Order.

Congressman Paul Gosar after House censures him: “If I must join Alexander Hamilton, the first person attempted to be censured by this House, so be it. It is done.”

Diane Feinstein: “I knew Alexander Hamilton. I served with Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton was a friend of mine. You sir are no Alexander Hamilton!”

Saweetie Twerks During Sexy SNL Performance of New Single ‘Icy Chain’

Let face it … At this point, Saweetie was less performing on SNL and more auditioning to date Pete Davidson.

Happy 79th birthday Martin Scorsese

C’mon, sing-a-long: “For he’s a jolly Goodfella, for he’s a jolly Goodfella, for he’s a jolly Goodfella, which nobody can deny!”

American Airlines reduces service to Haiti

… I’m shocked, shocked people were flying to Haiti. I guess all the AirBNBs in Kabul were taken …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)