Interview: Congressman Paul Gosar - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Arizona Republican Congressman and anime video warrior hero, Paul Gosar.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Republican Congressman Paul Gofart from the not-so-great state of Arizona.

PAUL GOSAR

It’s pronounced Gosar.

JERRY

This is my show. You’re a Gofart.

GOSAR

Breaking news. The Mars Rover has been abducted by space aliens. All that footage you see on TV is filmed in a Hollywood Studio.

JERRY

(game show voice) I’m glad you said that because you’re a natural born liar and conspiracy theorist.

GOSAR

I wear it with a badge of honor.

JERRY

And with that said, time to play Pick Your Conspiracy.

GOSAR

Right up my alley.

JERRY

I will ask three questions. Each one pertaining to a conspiracy. You need to tell me who the person is that said it. A correct answer is worth $100. If you get two out of three, there is a bonus of $1,000. Two wrong answers and the game ends.

GOSAR

Yes, Sir.

JERRY

Question number one for $100. Who said, “The Capitol rioters were peaceful patriots.”

GOSAR

Could be Melania Trump. No, wait. She slept through everything. Or…

JERRY

10 seconds.

GOSAR

It sounds like something I said.

JERRY

Is that your final answer?

GOSAR

Yes.

JERRY

Who else could it be, Gofart? You are correct for $100.

GOSAR

Show me the money, Duncan. I want to make sure it isn’t fake.

JERRY

Next question. For $100, what are the names of The 3 Stooges?

GOSAR

Easy pie. Kevin McCarthy, Andy Biggs, and Mo Brooks.

JERRY

Sorry. The correct answer is Larry, Moe and Curly.

GOSAR

That’s not fair. There are four Stooges. You forgot Louie Gohmert.

JERRY

Brain fart.

JERRY

Last question. For $100 and a chance to win a $1,000 bonus. Who said, “Middle Ages were an extremely warm period of time, too. And it wasn’t like there were tons of cars on the road.”

GOSAR

Gosh, the answer is on the tip of my tongue. (to himself) It can’t be Frankenstein. He was born after the Middle Ages. Besides, Ted Cruz is Frankenstein.

JERRY

5 seconds left.

GOSAR

Congressman Jim Jordan. Yeah, Jim. He’s a big climate denier and has all the charm and warmth of an elephant’s balls.

JERRY

No. It was Ron Johnson.

GOSAR

Darn, of course it was. Like myself, Ron can pull a conspiracy theory out of his ass anytime.

JERRY

Game over. You’re a loser.

GOSAR

That can go two ways you know.

JERRY

Exactly.

JERRY

During the Obama presidency, you were a staunch fiscal hawk on federal spending and deficits. When Trump was elected, you defended having a large deficit. Gave rich folks like yourself a tax cut.

GOSAR

Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.

JERRY

Like so many Republicans in Congress, you were against a resolution to give the Congressional Gold Medal to police officers who defended the U.S. Capitol on January 6.

GOSAR

Again, it was a peaceful demonstration. Don’t you listen to Fox News?

JERRY

You mean the network that said Trump won the 2020 election in 86 states?

GOSAR

It was 87.

JERRY

I stand corrected.

JERRY

What planet do you live on, Gofart? Five people died and 148 officers injured.

GOSAR

All those people were Hollywood extras filming scenes for a new movie The Trumpsters. Look, I want a Congressional Gold Medal. But it has to be for the Kenosha kid Kyle Rittenhouse. If that can’t happen, he will be my next intern. Kyle has killer instincts.

JERRY

Where was Rittenhouse between 9 and 12?

GOSAR

I don’t know.

JERRY

In the 4th grade.

JERRY

Let’s get to your latest escapade. You put an anime video out on social media of you killing Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. As a result, you were censured by Congress and removed from all your committees.

GOSAR

It was a cartoon, Duncan.

JERRY

Cortez called you a creepy and unintelligent White Supremacist.

GOSAR

Squad is jealous, because she can’t draw. I’m focused on running in 2022, not minor distractions like threatening Democrats and a few Republicans.

JERRY

If you are indeed running, I hope it’s off a cliff. See you tomorrow.

A BIT OF BIDEN

JOE BIDEN

Republicans are upset, because I refused to pardon those two turkeys Don Jr and Eric Trump before Thanksgiving.

The Jerry Duncan Show and A Bit of Biden
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.