Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Arizona Republican Congressman and anime video warrior hero, Paul Gosar.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Republican Congressman Paul Gofart from the not-so-great state of Arizona.
PAUL GOSAR
It’s pronounced Gosar.
JERRY
This is my show. You’re a Gofart.
GOSAR
Breaking news. The Mars Rover has been abducted by space aliens. All that footage you see on TV is filmed in a Hollywood Studio.
JERRY
(game show voice) I’m glad you said that because you’re a natural born liar and conspiracy theorist.
GOSAR
I wear it with a badge of honor.
JERRY
And with that said, time to play Pick Your Conspiracy.
GOSAR
Right up my alley.
JERRY
I will ask three questions. Each one pertaining to a conspiracy. You need to tell me who the person is that said it. A correct answer is worth $100. If you get two out of three, there is a bonus of $1,000. Two wrong answers and the game ends.
GOSAR
Yes, Sir.
JERRY
Question number one for $100. Who said, “The Capitol rioters were peaceful patriots.”
GOSAR
Could be Melania Trump. No, wait. She slept through everything. Or…
JERRY
10 seconds.
GOSAR
It sounds like something I said.
JERRY
Is that your final answer?
GOSAR
Yes.
JERRY
Who else could it be, Gofart? You are correct for $100.
GOSAR
Show me the money, Duncan. I want to make sure it isn’t fake.
JERRY
Next question. For $100, what are the names of The 3 Stooges?
GOSAR
Easy pie. Kevin McCarthy, Andy Biggs, and Mo Brooks.
JERRY
Sorry. The correct answer is Larry, Moe and Curly.
GOSAR
That’s not fair. There are four Stooges. You forgot Louie Gohmert.
JERRY
Brain fart.
JERRY
Last question. For $100 and a chance to win a $1,000 bonus. Who said, “Middle Ages were an extremely warm period of time, too. And it wasn’t like there were tons of cars on the road.”
GOSAR
Gosh, the answer is on the tip of my tongue. (to himself) It can’t be Frankenstein. He was born after the Middle Ages. Besides, Ted Cruz is Frankenstein.
JERRY
5 seconds left.
GOSAR
Congressman Jim Jordan. Yeah, Jim. He’s a big climate denier and has all the charm and warmth of an elephant’s balls.
JERRY
No. It was Ron Johnson.
GOSAR
Darn, of course it was. Like myself, Ron can pull a conspiracy theory out of his ass anytime.
JERRY
Game over. You’re a loser.
GOSAR
That can go two ways you know.
JERRY
Exactly.
JERRY
During the Obama presidency, you were a staunch fiscal hawk on federal spending and deficits. When Trump was elected, you defended having a large deficit. Gave rich folks like yourself a tax cut.
GOSAR
Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
JERRY
Like so many Republicans in Congress, you were against a resolution to give the Congressional Gold Medal to police officers who defended the U.S. Capitol on January 6.
GOSAR
Again, it was a peaceful demonstration. Don’t you listen to Fox News?
JERRY
You mean the network that said Trump won the 2020 election in 86 states?
GOSAR
It was 87.
JERRY
I stand corrected.
JERRY
What planet do you live on, Gofart? Five people died and 148 officers injured.
GOSAR
All those people were Hollywood extras filming scenes for a new movie The Trumpsters. Look, I want a Congressional Gold Medal. But it has to be for the Kenosha kid Kyle Rittenhouse. If that can’t happen, he will be my next intern. Kyle has killer instincts.
JERRY
Where was Rittenhouse between 9 and 12?
GOSAR
I don’t know.
JERRY
In the 4th grade.
JERRY
Let’s get to your latest escapade. You put an anime video out on social media of you killing Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. As a result, you were censured by Congress and removed from all your committees.
GOSAR
It was a cartoon, Duncan.
JERRY
Cortez called you a creepy and unintelligent White Supremacist.
GOSAR
Squad is jealous, because she can’t draw. I’m focused on running in 2022, not minor distractions like threatening Democrats and a few Republicans.
JERRY
If you are indeed running, I hope it’s off a cliff. See you tomorrow.
A BIT OF BIDEN
JOE BIDEN
Republicans are upset, because I refused to pardon those two turkeys Don Jr and Eric Trump before Thanksgiving.
The Jerry Duncan Show and A Bit of Biden
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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