Lesson learned postmortem: there’s no way to avoid raking leaves.
A man in suburban Detroit who cut down his tree to avoid raking leaves was found eaten alive by disgruntled squirrels this week.
The squirrels converged upon him from tree trunks, fences, and electrical wires.
Caught in the act, they all stood still on their hind-legs, with bloody snouts, like toddlers with their paws caught in the cookie jar.
“It was horrible,” a neighbor who witnessed the incident said, “They descended upon him like a swarm of locusts, in a frenzy of vengeance. Who knew that squirrels were capable of such aggression?”
An investigation launched by local police uncovered little to no evidence as to which squirrels were responsible for the attack, although it is believed that one or two were caught and are now serving as informants. The term “rats” has been avoided, as most squirrels are fiercely indignant of the genetic relation.
The man’s ears, nose, and fingers, were found scattered and buried throughout the neighborhood, in what most believe is a warning to other amateur lumberjacks.
“We’ve seen this kind of thing before,” Chief of police, Dan Mutton explained at a press conference, “Mostly with the Mob.”
What was left of the man was buried under a giant Maple tree in Autumn Leaves Cemetery this October.
Squirrels in the tree were heard mischievously giggling throughout the entire ceremony.
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