Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Chris Cuomo

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews former CNN host Chris Cuomo.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide, Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Chris Cuomo, the fired CNN host of Cuomo Prime Time.

CHRIS CUOMO

Was that introduction necessary, Duncan? Do you know why I’m here?

JERRY

Because nobody else will interview you. You’re dishonest.

CUOMO

C’mon. I was giving legal advice to my brother Andrew. That’s not a crime.

JERRY

It is when you try to get dirt on witnesses who testified against your brother’s sexual harassment charges by women who worked for him. Did you learn that underhand stuff at college?

CUOMO

Harvard or Fordham? I went to both.

JERRY

No. Whas-a-matter-u in Little Italy.

CUOMO

You must of stayed up all night thinking about that line.

JERRY

Let’s just say that unlike you, I didn’t lose sleep.

CUOMO

Andrew was the Governor of New York. An honorable man.

JERRY

He under-reported COVID deaths at nursing homes.

CUOMO

Cut spending without raising taxes.

JERRY

Made enemies with fellow Democrats.

CUOMO

Passed a property tax cap.

JERRY

Split with longtime girlfriend Sandra Dee, because her cooking sucked.

CUOMO

What are we arguing about anyway? I’m on my apology tour. I’m sorry for getting caught.

JERRY

Man. You’re dumber than Forrest Gump.

CUOMO

Who famously said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s shittier than I thought.” He’s right, Duncan.

JERRY

You interviewed Andrew on your show last August before the sexual misconduct scandal broke. You said, “I’m not an advisor. I’m a brother. I wasn’t in control of anything.”

CUOMO

I was the one who told him to resign.

JERRY

And you should have offered your resignation to CNN. The New York Attorney General said there are transcripts and exhibits implicating you.

CUOMO

I plead the fifth…got any Vodka?

JERRY

Which reminds me. Do you know the chicken down the street tendered her resignation today at McDonald’s? Apparently, her brain was fried.

CUOMO

I’m going to have my friend Vinnie Bambino come over and kick your nuts. You’ll be singing soprano, Duncan.

JERRY

Bring it on.

CUOMO

I’ll survive without CNN or you! I’ve been in Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Covered stories on child custody, bullying, homeless teens. I’m thick skinned.

JERRY

I’d make a joke about hurricanes, but Im scared my inbox would be flooded.

CUOMO

My mind is flooded with so many things. I lost my way, Duncan. I used to be a straight shooter.

JERRY

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

JERRY

So what’s next for Chris Cuomo?

CUOMO

I’m going to be a greeter at Walmart. A good company. Do you know they give both cashiers a day off on Christmas?

JERRY

And pants are half off.

CUOMO

That’s a good buy.

JERRY

No. The men that are shopping wear their pants half off.

CUOMO

Forget Walmart. Maybe I’ll stand in front of the CNN building and annoy everyone when they come to work.

JERRY

The pity train just derailed. Suck it up and move on, Christopher. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.