Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even Pink news, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pink shares update about ‘brutal’ recovery from hip surgery

Get better! You’d think anything hip would come easy to Pink.

Quebec to release half its maple syrup strategic reserve over global shortage

In a related move, the EU released its reserve supply of French Toast and Belgian Waffles.

False report of Kyle Rittenhouse suing Whoopie Goldberg and Joy Behar for defamation

Rittenhouse suing Whoopie and Joy Behar for defamation would be like OJ Simpson suing everyone.

Psychics, tarot readers, astrologers say they’ve experienced a deluge of scammers who clone their accounts to solicit payments from their followers for faux readings

You’d think they would have seen this coming.

CNN fires Chris Cuomo during investigation on how he helped his brother

So, it looks like the only person Andrew Cuomo actually screwed was Chris Cuomo.

Former Senator Bob Dole passes away at 98

Bob Dole says Bob Dole had a consequential life at being Bob Dole. God, speed.

‘Super flexible’ Joe Rogan says he can perform fellatio on himself

… Proving anyone who says he’s completely talentless wrong!

MLB locks out players, officially initiates baseball’s first work stoppage since 1994-95 strike

I’m betting the Astros saw this coming from inside their scoreboard while using binoculars.

Lara Logan compared Dr. Fauci to Josef Mengele

The crazy part is people are still unsure she meant it as a bad thing.

Dow drops as much as 971 points amid troubles in China’s real estate market

So, the Stock Market dropped like it went out for drinks with Bill Cosby.

Justice who told Susan Collins that Roe was ‘settled law’ looks ready to allow abortion limits

Rumor has it, Collins is so mad at Conservative SCOTUS Justices’ abortion case questionings that she might just wag her index finger at them.

Kanye West says he has made ‘mistakes’ in marriage to Kim Kardashian but wants to ‘restore’ it

While Pete Davidson checks out to see who his next girlfriend, uh, next SNL female guest host will be.

Happy 52nd Birthday, Jay Z

You got 99 problems; and pretty soon, getting up in the middle of the night to pee will be one!

Coronavirus: Unvaccinated travelers barred from Canadian planes and trains as of today

… but politely …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)