Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about slower mail from the USPS, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Slower mail, fewer office hours part of Postal Service plans

Damn, Postmaster General Louis DeJoy is trying to make the mail as slow as Eric Trump.

Christmas tree outside of Fox News catches on fire

Guess no one raked under it!

Omicron 3 times more likely to cause reinfection than previous COVID variants

There are so many spin-offs from COVID-19 you’d think the person in charge was Dick Wolf.

Meghan McCain melts down over Fox News Christmas tree fire

Sounds like Meghan is auditioning for a new show… ‘FOX and I Have No Friends.’

Plumber finds $600K behind loose toilet in wall at Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Mega-Church

So, that’s what they mean when they say someone’s flush.

Clapton’s trending again on Twitter

Might I suggest, his next song should be “Lay Low.”

USC bought new Head Football Coach Lincoln Riley a $6-million home in L.A

… So, a one bedroom, fixer-upper.

Brian Williams’ final MSNBC broadcast will be on Thursday

If he had real balls, he’d exit in a helicopter under enemy fire.

RIP Michael Nesmith

People say you Monkeyed around …

Evan Rachel Wood said she installed bulletproof windows and steel doors in her house in case Marilyn Manson attacked her family

… really, he seems nice. Cough. Cough.

Crumbley parents captured in Detroit

The Crumbleys were hiding in Detroit? People seeing them must’ve thought Eminem’s aging like s**t!

Private payrolls post better-than-expected growth of 534,000 in November, ADP says

… would’ve been 534,001 except, y’know, Chris Cuomo.

Charli XCX’s entire boob fell out of her dress at the ARIA Music Awards, and she shared the footage

Thank ya, Charli, for keeping us abreast of the situation!

Alex Jones says he will plead the 5th before the J6 Select Committee

… The only question is a fifth of what …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)