Jerry Duncan Interviews Lauren Boebert - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert from Riley, Colorado.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert from Riley, Colorado.

Lauren Boebert DonkeyHotey — Lauren Boebert. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Hi Congresswoman Bo Burp.

LAUREN

It’s pronounced Boebert.

JERRY

This is my show, Toots. You are Bo Burp.

LAUREN

Okay, Scary.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. But speaking of scary. People think you and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene are sisters. How do you explain it?

LAUREN

Well. We both love guns, but hate people. We want to overthrow our government. (thinks) We’re ugly.

JERRY

Ugly inside and out!

LAUREN

I shouldn’t say we hate people. Every Saturday night, I invite relatives to my home for a game of Russian roulette. We use a real gun with one bullet in the chamber. We have a blast playing.

JERRY

People can die.

LAUREN

Exactly. Last month, I lost Uncle Marv. He was the last player that night. The good news is his head is mounted in my den next to a moose. Looks fabulous.

JERRY

Statistically, 100,000 people die each year playing Russian roulette. It’s mind blowing.

LAUREN

Yeah. But 5 out of 6 who try say it’s harmless. My grandfather was the best Russian roulette player. He only lost once.

JERRY

Hey, Bo Burp. You are a big supporter of the NRA.

LAUREN

You bet. That’s why you’ll always find me shirtless, because I have the right to bear arms.

JERRY

Is it true that you dropped out of high school your senior year to be an assistant manager at McDonald’s?

LAUREN

Yep. Got tired of flipping the bird at teachers, so I decided to flip burgers.

JERRY

Do you know McDonald’s now has “The Alabama Chicken?”

LAUREN

Cool.

JERRY

Not cool. Even the chicken is inbred.

LAUREN

Wow. Just like my parents.

JERRY

Was that your only job?

LAUREN

No. I became a pipe liner for a natural gas drilling company.

JERRY

A what?

LAUREN

I was part of a team that laid pipe. We restored cracked pipes from leaks.

JERRY

Can you plug a butt hole from leaking gas?

LAUREN

I’m not a ventriloquist.

JERRY

You mean proctologist.

LAUREN

I always get them two mixed up.

LAUREN.

My career took a turn when my husband and I opened a restaurant in Riley called Shooters Grill. All the employees were armed. Everything was going great until 80 people got ill from our pork sliders at the Garfield County Fair. Get this, we got fined because we didn’t have permits. That’s bullshit!

JERRY

You’re supposed to have a food handler’s permit. It’s the law.

LAUREN

I don’t believe in laws. When restaurants were ordered to close because of COVID, I welcomed indoor dining.

JERRY

What happened?

LAUREN

I got my license suspended. Lost $369,000. That was the moment I decided to run for Congress.

JERRY

Why not? You meet all the qualifications of a Trumper. Little education, loves Fox News, and likes to lie.

LAUREN

Hey, I got elected to Congress. And don’t have to do a damn thing except threaten Democrats and set off metal detectors when I’m wearing my pistol.

JERRY

All I can say is I’m glad you’re not letting your education get in the way of your stupidity. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.