Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a humongous pot brownie, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A Massachusetts cannabis company is claiming it set a world record when it baked a pot brownie that weighed 850 pounds

… damn, think of all the meth you’d have to take to have the strength to lift it.

Proud Boy Capitol rioter whines he’s being treated like ‘a James Bond supervillain mastermind’

Yup, OctoWhatAPussy.

Eric Clapton sued a woman who listed a bootleg CD on eBay for $11. She now owes thousands

Clapton: Don’t hate the ‘Layla’ hate the game.

Judge in Ghislaine Maxwell trial won’t allow defense witnesses to testify anonymously

‘Cause nobody would recognize Tronald Dump, Cilliam Billton and Vince Pandrew.

Jaguars fire Urban Meyer

… Which means they now have to begin the process of Urban Renewal.

Prince Charles asked about the skin color of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s baby

No word if Prince Andrew asked about being in charge of hiring babysitters.

Fox News doctor calls for unvaxxed to get Covid-19: ‘It’s time to allow this mild infection to circulate’

While Hannity was probably double masked, vaxxed, hiding under his desk, and not available for comment.

New York’s next mayor wants to save the city from the evils of olive oil

Rumor has it, so did Popeye’s mom.

Report: Investigators believe Rick Perry sent text pushing plan to undermine 2020 election

Rick Perry’s pronouns are now Uh/Oh.

Scientists have discovered a giant planet orbiting a massive pair of extremely hot stars

… or, just a pack of paparazzi tailing JLo and Affleck.

IKEA staff, customers have sleepover during snowstorm in Denmark

I hear they were rescued by ‘piece officers.’

Happy 78th birthday, Keith Richards

Dude doesn’t look a day over 106.

Elon Musk could become the highest tax payer ever in the U.S with $12 billion

No wonder Elon Musk is trying to go to Mars, some folks will do anything not to pay taxes!

Three Florida Republicans from The Villages face charges of voter fraud

… so, that’s one village with multiple idiots…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)