Jerry Duncan Interviews Reindeer Farmer

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Arvin Erickson, a reindeer farmer from Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Arvin Erickson, a reindeer farmer here in Wasilla.

JERRY DUNCAN

Welcome Arvin.

ARVIN ERICKSON

You betcha.

JERRY

Before we get started, I want to know why Santa didn’t come to my house this year.

ARVIN

Didn’t ya hear? The sleighs are on ships trying to get unloaded at the Port of Long Beach. Santa is pissed, because he knows where all the naughty women live.

JERRY

What about his reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph?

ARVIN

They retired. Got new names and faces. There’s Trumpster, Flynnster, Ivanka, Jared, Kellyanne, Cruz, Pencester, and Rudy the Red Nose Liar.

JERRY

And the Elves?

ARVIN

Unemployed. They’re goin to Disneyland to see if they can find work in It’s A Small World.

JERRY

How sad. It seems Elves can never reach happiness. It’s all Santa’s fault.

ARVIN

Don’t mess with Santa. He has a black belt.

JERRY

Big deal. So tell me. What does a reindeer farmer do?

ARVIN

I raise reindeer for their milk and poop.

JERRY

I imagine Eskimos drink reindeer milk, but who wants poop?

ARVIN

We call them dung chips, Jerry. Eskimos like our milk, and we export the dung to zoos for chimps to toss at people staring. Nobody is going to make a monkey out of them.

JERRY

Hey, I read in National Geographic about a dung beetle in Africa that went into a bar. He didn’t order a drink, just took the stool.

ARVIN

(laughs) Ha, ha. Jerry cracked a funny.

JERRY

You won ‘t be laughing when I crack your head. Wait a second, it’s already cracked.

ARVIN

You betcha.

JERRY

I understand these reindeer have big antlers.

ARVIN

Oh, ya. Can be 53 inches tall in males.

JERRY

How come just males?

ARVIN

Used for fightin during mating season. Only one gets the lady.

JERRY

Do you know what comes out when a donkey and bunny mate?

ARVIN

Nope.

JERRY

The bunny eyes. I tell that joke to my little people friends, but it goes over their heads.

JERRY

Do reindeer have enemies?

ARVIN

Absolutely. Brown bears. wolves, polar bears, Sarah Palin. Especially Sarah Palin.

JERRY

Why?

ARVIN

Sarah is so dangerous that she was banned from Toys R Us because she kept shooting My Little Pony.

JERRY

What do reindeer eat?

ARVIN

Leave, grasses. Don’t cost me a thing. That’s why I’m a rich man.

JERRY

Unbelievable.

ARVIN

And I’d rather be rich than stupid. I invest my money in glaciers.

JERRY

You’re so stupid, you probably watch The 3 Stooges and take notes.

ARVIN

How did you know?

ARVIN

Jerry. Can I tell a dung joke to your listeners?

JERRY

No. They always stink. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.