Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about losing on a technicality, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Audi is stepping in to give a ‘Wheel of Fortune’ contestant a brand-new car after she lost one on a technicality

F _ _ K Y _ _ H

The NFL is getting hit with Covid

Except for Jacksonville — those guys can’t catch anything!

Liz Cheney might be onto something with criminal charges for Trump, legal experts say

Damn, Liz Cheney has bigger balls than Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s mailman’s brother-in-law.

Joe Manchin tells associates that he believes people use the child tax credit for buying drugs

So, a down payment on their insulin.

Denise Richards ‘realized it wasn’t the right thing’ to share maskless selfie on a plane’

The woman married Charlie Sheen, ‘Oops, My Bad’ could be her middle name.

San Francisco authorities seize nearly $2 million in suspected stolen merchandise

What’s that, a couple of blouses and four Louis Vuitton bags?

Rob Gronkowski says Tom Brady helped him quit processed sugar, and he believes that’s one reason he’s still playing at the top of his game

… that and selling their souls to the devil…

Everyone is saying the same thing about Lindsay Lohan’s new Netflix film

Everyone: Who?

Snoop Dogg mispronounced Ben Affleck’s name while presenting the 2022 Golden Globes nominees: ‘Sorry about that, Ben’

Good thing about Snoop is you never have to wonder what he’s been smoking.

Jim Jordan, once tapped to serve on 1/6 Committee, now identified in Meadows texts and called before committee

Welp, sounds like Jordan on the 1/6 committee would’ve been like making Judge Roy Moore a mall cop!

Chris Noth accused of sexual assault by a fifth woman

Noth could be going from Mr. Big to Mr. Big House.

Gothic Novelist Anne Rice dies at 80

Ironically, that both bites and sucks at the same time.

Sarah Palin on Covid vaccines: “It will be over my dead body that I’ll have to get a shot”

… hmmmmm, some people will do anything to not have to sit in a studio next to Hannity…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)