The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews a Barber

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Pete Repeat the Barber.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Pete Repeat the Barber. I’m not kidding, folks. That’s the dude’s name.

Barber Shop by Carlos Lorenzo — Photo: Carlos Lorenzo, flickr.com.

PETE REPEAT

Hey, Duncan. Pete and Repeat went down to the swamp. Pete fell in, who was left?

JERRY

Pete.

REPEAT

It can’t be Pete.

JERRY

Hell, yes. Repeat was eaten by an alligator. What can I say? The gator liked fast food.

JERRY

I’ve always wondered what a barber does besides cut men’s hair.

REPEAT

Well. I shave sheep. Trim women’s mustaches. Chase rednecks with razor blades. I bet you didn’t know there were barbers in ancient Egypt.

JERRY

C’mon.

REPEAT

Yep. It’s in the Book of Generous. Mose’s barber gave him haircuts and a circumcision when he lived in Egypt.

JERRY

Did the barbers make much money back then?

REPEAT

Not for haircuts. But for circumcisions, they got big tips.

JERRY

What’s your technique? Do you have your own style?

REPEAT

My specialty is buzz cuts. That’s a bee’s favorite, too. I just shave the head until there is only a quarter of an inch on top.

A sudden interruption.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

It’s your mother, Jerry.

JERRY

You can’t be. I’m an orphan.

MAGGIE

Oh, stop it.

JERRY

What do you want?

MAGGIE

I’m warning everyone in Wasilla about Pete Repeat. He cut my hair one time and I developed PTSD.

REPEAT

I remember you. How are you doing?

JERRY

She’s dead.

REPEAT

I’m sorry.

MAGGIE

(angry) You should be! When you finished cutting my hair, I was bald. So bald that I wore a nun’s habit and clothing for a year.

JERRY

Hey, ma. What do you call a sleep walking nun?

MAGGIE

What?

JERRY

A roamin’ Catholic.

REPEAT

I don’t understand.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

REPEAT

Who’s there?

JERRY

Oswald.

REPEAT

Oswald who?

JERRRY

Oswald my bubble gum.

REPEAT

Sounds right.

MAGGIE

Jerry. Here’s some dirt. Repeat built his house out of cow dung.

REPEAT

That’s bullshit!

MAGGIE

I told you, Jerry. He just admitted it.

REPEAT

All I know is that I have a thriving business. First come, first serve. Don’t even take appointments.

JERRY

What makes you really special?

REPEAT

My customers say I can communicate with vegetables.

JERRY

You are a vegetable. I REPEAT, you are a vegetable. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.