Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, especially about the passing of Betty White, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Betty White lego

R.I.P Betty White. Television icon dead at 99

Personally, I’m blaming LEGO for Betty White’s passing. Clearly, they left her nothing to live for.

2022 New Year’s revelers say “goodbye” to a year of conflicts, curfews, Covid, celebrity deaths

I can’t be the only one who found themselves singing “Auld Ang Xiety.”

Delta Variant: Covid on steroids

Omicron: Hold my Ivermectin.

Alex Jones suffered ‘burning to his eyes’ after his wife hit him with shampoo bottle

The shampoo was probably ‘Gee, Your Hair Smells Seditious.’

Ghislaine Maxwell has been found GUILTY in sex trafficking trial

… Which makes her the oldest woman ever screwed by Jeffrey Epstein.

Ozzy Osbourne is betting fans will be hungry for his new NFTs

Or, as Ozzy put it: ‘Thasfer docghas nudfg.’

Rep. Madison Cawthorne is getting divorced after 8 months of marriage

I guess I missed the Bible fine print on the early return policies for Earthen Vessels.

Canada has officially banned LGBTQ+ conversion therapy

… politely.

CDC investigating 86 cruise ships with COVID-19 cases

Bringing new meaning to cabin fever.

Louisiana Judge Michelle Odinet says she was on a sedative and doesn’t remember saying the “N” word over and over again”

Where’d she get that sedative? The pharmacy at KKKMart?

Man punches a cougar in the head to save his dog from a vicious attack

Why Madonna was attacking his dog is still unknown.

California pot companies warn of impending industry collapse

… Not to mention the collapse of the nacho industry.

Israel rolls out 4th COVID vaccine dose to over-60s

Oy.

Former VP Mike Pence declines to commit to cooperating with Jan. 6 select committee

He probably considers it old noose …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)