Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about COVID on a cruise ship, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Third Florida-based cruise ship has COVID outbreak

It’s like ‘Petri Dish’ is French for Cruise Ship.

2022 arrives with ice, snow, outages, and ‘bitterly cold’ temperatures

Personally, 2022 arrived with me trying to find a place that accepts checks, so I could get the year wrong. I’m old fashioned that way.

Man who targeted L.A. and O.C. Trader Joe’s in string of robberies gets 21 years in prison

Although his sentence was marked down from 42 years, the amount of time he’d have gotten for robbing the same items at a Whole Foods.

Pres. Biden arrives aboard Air Force One to a snowy Joint Base Andrews

Look for OAN to claim it was staged with ‘Crisis Snowflakes.’

Aaron Rodgers trending on Twitter

With all that Ivermectin, I thought he got traded to the Colts or Broncos.

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle are engaged

Their vows will include: “Do you, Kimberly, promise to not bear witness against …”

Kevin Smith ran into daughter Harley Quinn at ‘the weed store’

Or, as it’s also known: ‘Bed, Bath and What Was That First Thing Again?’

Czech President appears inside a plexiglass box after testing positive for Covid to swear in new Prime Minister

Too bad the Czech Prez isn’t a mime … or that box would’ve been way cheaper.

Two Republicans showed up for 1/6 moment of silence

… Four, if you count Sinema and Mancin.

Discovery is coming in the Prince Andrew lawsuit — Including supposed proof he can’t sweat

Yeah, maybe, but there’s still a lot about him that still stinks.

Pope calls couples who choose pets over having children ‘selfish’

Says childless man who lives with even older childless man.

Tucker Carlson: Getting COVID “does feminize people. No one ever says that but it’s true”

Wait… what… then take the Vaxx,. According to Cardi B’s cousin’s mailman, it causes one to grow giant balls!

Chuck Schumer says he was targeted on January 6 when a Capitol rioter spotted him and said: “There’s the big Jew. Let’s get him”

No word if his attacker was zapped by a Jewish Laser Beam.

C-Span ranked Trump 41 on the list of Presidents, only Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, and Andrew Johnson were lower

… and, if anyone deserves a recount it’s Pierce, Buchanan and Johnson …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)