Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Wasilla Walmart greeter Jenny Downer.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Wasilla Walmart greeter Jenny Downer.
JERRY
Hi Jenny.
JENNY DOWNER
Your mother will never speak to you again.
JERRY
Can I take that to the bank? I like your negativity. You go girl!
JENNY
The world is going to end. I got more bad news, Duncan.
JERRY
I’m sure. Is there one thing you can say that is positive?
JENNY
Yeah. The results of my COVID test last month. We take the virus seriously at Walmart.
JERRY
How so?
JENNY
All shoppers must wear masks. But pants are still optional.
JERRY
Always wondered. What does a Walmart greeter do?
JENNY
I say, “Hello. Welcome to Walmart.” But I don’t really mean it.
JERRY
Be nice. Those folks pay your salary.
JENNY
I guess. Ya know. We’re a super duper Walmart here in Wasilla. 260,000 square feet. I’m embarrassed though. Had no idea feet was square. Mine are oval except the toes. Is that normal?
JERRY
Nothing about you is normal, Jenny. I want to know what is special about a super duper center?
JENNY
Let me think.
JERRY
This is only an hour show, Einstein.
JENNY
Okay. We have a tire and lube center, pet store, restaurants, even a hair and nail shop. I don’t like any of them.
JERRY
Why?
JENNY
When I was a kid, my old man put me in a tire and rolled me down a hill. That can cause brain damage.
JERRY
No argument from me.
JENNY
Don’t need the pet shop. This past month, it’s been raining cats and dogs. And the food sucks at the restaurants. Plus, they don’t take bills over $20.
JERRY
If I had over $20, I wouldn’t be eating there. One word: barf!
JERRY
Lucky for a hair and nail shop. Every woman likes to be pampered.
JENNY
Not me. There was a sale on hair color in the salon last year and three people dyed.
JERRY
I understand Walmart is closing 500 stores.
JENNY
Yep. All 12 cashiers will lose their jobs.
JERRY
You should find a better job where you can work remote.
JENNY
You mean sittin on my couch watchin TV? Got plenty of experience workin a remote.
JERRY
Not exactly. I was thinking of a trip to Mars in a spaceship. That’s remote.
JENNY
Serious, dude?
JERRY
Absolutely. You and Mars have a lot in common. No sign of intelligent life.
JENNY
The earth will explode from a big meteorite hitting it. Everything will be a fireball.
JERRY
There is the exception. An asteroid quit his job and moved to LA to be a stand-up comet. And he became a big star.
Suddenly an interruption.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
Jerry. It’s mother.
JERRY
Why me, Lord?
MAGGIE
Don’t talk to Jenny!
JERRY
Why?
MAGGIE
Because she has a vacancy of the cranium.
JERRY
Jenny Downer and my mother everyone.
MAGGIE
Who loves you, Jerry? Me.
JERRY
Yech.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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