Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, including that about record snow, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_97831" align="aligncenter" width="750"] If record snow is making moose cranky, what about squirrel?[/caption]
Record snow is making moose cranky and dangerous, Alaska park says. ‘Be ready to run.’
However, no word on squirrel.
Novak Djokovic attended Belgrade event 24 hours after positive Covid test
… the tennis balls on this guy!
Word is, Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend rolled over on him
And, not in a good way!
Biden to deliver State of the Union on March 1
Look for speech to go: “The State of the Union between Kanye and Kim. Not so good.” Then sit down.
Candace Owens and Piers Morgan fighting on the Twitter
In fairness, maybe, Piers thought Candace was Meghan Markle.
After 2020, Trump backers forged election docs in three states
Might’ve gotten away with it but they misspelled you’re/your.
The Golden Globes came out
And this time it had nothing to do with a Miley Cyrus wardrobe malfunction.
Happy Birthday, Pete Davidson
What do you get for the guy who's in the process of having everyone?!
Plane hit by train after crashing on train tracks in California
For anyone thinking their day sucks, stop it!
NFL playoffs about to kick-off
And the Lions are already mathematically eliminated …. from next year’s Super Bowl.
Prince Andrew has been stripped of Royal & Military Titles by his mother
Sounds to me like Queen Elizabeth has thrown Prince Andrew under the school bus.
Grey’s Anatomy returning for a 19th season
Only question is, in which episode will a patient arrive who tried to water ski jump over a shark.
U.S. Postal Service says vaccine rules could slow mail deliveries
… thanks to DeJoy, look for items mailed today to arrive during Zeta variant! …
    [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/18/22
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about record snow, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Record snow is making moose cranky and dangerous, Alaska park says. ‘Be ready to run.’

However, no word on squirrel.

Novak Djokovic attended Belgrade event 24 hours after positive Covid test

… the tennis balls on this guy!

Word is, Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend rolled over on him

And, not in a good way!

Biden to deliver State of the Union on March 1

Look for speech to go: “The State of the Union between Kanye and Kim. Not so good.” Then sit down.

Candace Owens and Piers Morgan fighting on the Twitter

In fairness, maybe, Piers thought Candace was Meghan Markle.

After 2020, Trump backers forged election docs in three states

Might’ve gotten away with it but they misspelled you’re/your.

The Golden Globes came out

And this time it had nothing to do with a Miley Cyrus wardrobe malfunction.

Happy Birthday, Pete Davidson

What do you get for the guy who’s in the process of having everyone?!

Plane hit by train after crashing on train tracks in California

For anyone thinking their day sucks, stop it!

NFL playoffs about to kick-off

And the Lions are already mathematically eliminated …. from next year’s Super Bowl.

Prince Andrew has been stripped of Royal & Military Titles by his mother

Sounds to me like Queen Elizabeth has thrown Prince Andrew under the school bus.

Grey’s Anatomy returning for a 19th season

Only question is, in which episode will a patient arrive who tried to water ski jump over a shark.

U.S. Postal Service says vaccine rules could slow mail deliveries

… thanks to DeJoy, look for items mailed today to arrive during Zeta variant! …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)