Interview: Former Governor of Alaska - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. Compared to a moose, Sarah ranks lower in intelligence.

FORMER GOVERNOR OF ALASKA SARAH PALIN

(shouting) Duncan, I’m going to load my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buckshot!

JERRY

Here’s a sedative to calm you down, Governor.

PALIN

I need it. Man, you’re meaner than me.

JERRY

Long time, no see. What have you been up to since you were on the show two years ago?

PALIN

Well. I divorced my husband Todd.

JERRY

Why?

PALIN

We were incombustible. Always fightin.

JERRY

Are you dating?

PALIN

Oh, ya. Remember Joe Six Pack who helped my campaign when I was runnin with Senator John McCain in the 2008 presidential election?

JERRY

Not that doofus.

PALIN

Yep. I got a six pack for my husband Todd. Best trade I ever made.

JERRY

C’mon. You gave up being a housewife to be elected mayor of Wasilla in 1996.

PALIN

True. Ya know, one of the first things I did was get rid of the new library.

JERRY

Aren’t books used to enlighten our minds?

PALIN

That’s why we have Fox News. No need to waste money.

JERRY

You had a bigger political ambition. In 2006, you became the Governor of Alaska.

PALIN

Yep. Drill, baby, drill.

JERRY

That causes Climate Change according to most scientists.

PALIN

Tom Cruise is a scientist, so is John Travolta. They’re stupid. The more ice that melts, the easier it is for me to keep an eye on the Russkies. Or is it the Taliban? I get them people mixed up.

JERRY

You’re speaking to me from New York City. Right?

PALIN

You betcha.

JERRY

Do you know why Eve left Adam and moved to New York City?

PALIN

No.

JERRY

She fell for the Big Apple.

PALIN

Cool.

JERRY

I understand you’re in New York City, because you are suing the New York Times. Kind of strange since you don’t read.

PALIN

The Times damaged my reputation, Duncan. That’s what a lawyer told me from Jacoby and Meyers. I picked them after binge watching reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Very informative show. Did you now Kim Kardashian got COVID because the virus doesn’t die on plastic?

JERRY

You have COVID.

PALIN

Yep. But I won’t get vaccinated. It could ruin my mind.

JERRY

What do you got to lose? You’re already out of your mind.

JERRY

Tell me. Why are you suing the Times?

PALIN

An editorial appeared in their paper in 2011, which linked me to the mass shooting in Tucson, Arizona of Congresswoman Gabby Giffords.

JERRY

Explain.

PALIN

In 2010, my PAC, you know Pac-Man?

JERRY

Should I commit suicide on the air or wait?

PALIN

Wait, you betcha. Let me explain. My PAC put out an advertisement that showed Giffords and other Democrats in Congress in the crosshairs of my rifle. It’s not true.

JERRY

It is true. I saw the ad.

PALIN

No, Duncan. I use a bow and arrow when I hunt Dems. That was my daughter Bristol.

JERRY

Here’s the deal, Knucklehead. The Supreme Court ruled the publisher of a damaging report must have acted with actual malice by either knowing the information was false or displaying a reckless disregard for the truth.

PALIN

Speak to me in English. I don’t understand Dr. Seuss.

JERRY

In other words. you don’t have a case.

PALIN

Gee. I feel stupid.

JERRY
That’s the smartest thing you’ve said all day. Sarah Palin everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.