Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a major snowstorm, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Extremely cold weather envelopes NYC ahead of potentially major snowstorm

People are saying it was so cold in NYC, members of the Trump family gathered around their burner phones to keep warm.

Gonzaga revokes John Stockton’s season tickets over his refusal to wear masks

Not to mention passing up the shot so Karl Malone could take it.

Biden called FOX’s Peter Doocy a ‘Stupid Son of a Bitch’

Biden owes an apology… to stupid SOBs.

Pete Davidson and Colin Jost buy a Staten Island Ferry

Look for Kanye to buy a tug boat just to follow it around.

Spotify lost more than $2 billion in market value after Neil Young pulled his music over Joe Rogan’s Podcast

It’s Crazy Horse against ‘Crazy and Hoarse.’

Joe Exotic got 21 years in jail

… that’s like 84 in cat years.

Aaron Rodgers becomes first quarterback to lose in NFL playoffs four times to a single opponent

Rodgers’ loss would be even tougher for him to swallow if he still had the sense of taste.

Melania Trump hat auction a financial disaster

…. Worse, you just know, Donald is out there looking to buy a newer, hotter, Eastern European hat.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay $9.4 million to a man who was accidentally served toxic chemicals

Uh, instead of the usual, ‘on purpose?’

Stephen Breyer retiring from SCOTUS

Keg Party in Kavanaugh’s office.

Kid Rock compares himself to Willie Nelson, David Lee Roth, Springsteen, & Brad Pitt

Welp, a side effect of Ivermectin is lots of horseshit.

Prince Charles and Prince Harry are reportedly having “secret talks” to heal their rift

They can agree that nobody like Piers Morgan.

Damon Albarn apologizes to Taylor Swift after saying she doesn’t write her own songs

Swift responded: “I write the songs that make the whole world sing.”

“So, we would’ve had the wall completed in 3 weeks,” Trump tells Hannity

… Yup, one week after announcing his health care plan …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)