Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump.
DONALD TRUMP, 45TH PRESIDENT
45th and 47th President, Duncan.
JERRY
C’mon, Trumpster. You were impeached twice by Congress. You’re lucky I even said you were the president.
TRUMP
No collusion or obstruction. No January 6 insurrection at the Capitol. Peaceful, law-abiding citizens.
JERRY
5 people were killed and 147 police officers injured.
TRUMP
Should have trained better. Be prepared or be peppered.
JERRY
Those brave people saved our democracy.
TRUMP
Why worry about democracy? When I’m elected president in 2024, there won’t be one. The Marine band will be playing Heil to the Chief.
JERRY
All you care about is yourself. And you’re very prejudice.
TRUMP
Wrong. Everybody loves me, especially Blacks. I’m the least prejudice person you know. When I’m elected president, Uncle Ben will be on a one dollar bill. He’s a true credit to his rice.
JERRY
Trumpster. What do you get when you cross Aunt Jemima with Uncle Ben?
TRUMP
I don’t know.
JERRY
Rice cakes.
TRUMP
That’s H-U-G-E. H-U-G-E!
JERRY
I need you to clarify something. There are two drafts of a letter discovered by the House Select Committee that you considered confiscating voting machines to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election.
TRUMP
Fake news. I won the election. Why would I need the voting machines? That’s like saying I need Melania.
JERRY
Hold that thought. Your wife is on the line.
TRUMP
Hi honey.
MELANIA TRUMP
Don’t call me honey. You overstuffed Big Mac. I pissed!
TRUMP
Is it about the deportation papers?
MELANIA
What deportation paper? Where I going?
TRUMP
Oops. I spoiled your Valentine’s Day surprise. We’ll babe, it’s not exactly Disneyland.
JERRY
I bet she’s going to Slovenia, folks.
TRUMP
Bingo.
MELANIA
I mail order bride. Trumpster have 40-year return policy.
JERRY
Think of the bright side. You’ll be the only woman in Slovenia without a mustache and not wearing combat boots.
MELANIA
We get divorce. You never see Barron again.
TRUMP
Who’s Barron?
MELANIA
(to Jerry) Not good threat.
JERRY
No. How about you if you tell the House Select Committee all you know about Trump stealing the presidential election in 2016 and trying to steal it again in 2020?
MELANIA
Good idea.
TRUMP
You wouldn’t dare, Melanoma.
MELANIA
I squeeze you by balls until squeal like pig. You cheat on me when I pregnant, you cheat on other wives, you cheat on taxes, you cheat on election.
TRUMP
Okay. No deportation. You can have the penthouse in Trump Tower. I’ll stay at Mar-a-Lago. Lots of golf. Lots of golf.
MELANIA
And you cheat at golf. Would lion cheat on wife?
TRUMP.
No. But Tiger Woods.
JERRY
Trumpster. When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head. Donald and Melania Trump everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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