Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Jeff Zucker, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jeff Zucker resigns from CNN after relationship with top executive

Welp, looks like the only guy who can keep his hands to himself at CNN is Jeffrey Tobin.

Groundhog Day 2022 predictions: Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, predicts 6 more weeks of winter

On a related note, if Ted Cruz saw his shadow that means six more weeks in Cancun.

Tom Brady is retiring

The deflated balls on that guy!

Spotify stock down 25% as artists leave platform

On the upside, no one at Spotify is going to get worms.

Adam Corolla says no one would take AOC seriously if she looked like a middle aged, unattractive woman

He has a point, Adam looks like a middle aged, unattractive woman and nobody takes him seriously.

Massive brawl breaks out at Golden Corral buffet

…. Must have been over the key to the bathroom.

Stella McCartney has designed Minnie Mouse’s very first pantsuit

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if it was a ‘Minnie skirt?’

Rudy Giuliani’s appearance on ‘The Masked Singer’ sparks a strong reaction

Personally, I think the DOJ should hire the producers of ‘The Masked Singers’ because they had no trouble booking Rudy Giuliani.

Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland, and Tobey Maguire bonded over peeing in the Spider-Man suit

… I can’t be only one impressed they all fit in the suit at the same time!

Mitch McConnell said African-Americans voters are voting at just as high a percentage as Americans

The only thing missing was him ending the statement with ‘damn it.’

John Mulaney’s hosting SNL

Look for him to then run off with Pete Davidson.

Aaron Rodgers doesn’t know if he’ll be back with Packers

With all that Ivermectin look for him on Colts or Broncos.

Whoopi Goldberg suspended from ‘The View’ for Holocaust remarks

So, Whoopie gets a two-week suspension for saying the Holocaust wasn’t about race, while if you say the Civil War wasn’t about race you got a shot at being Governor of Texas.

Rep. Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend testified before a grand jury in federal sex-trafficking investigation, report says

… damn, and on a school day…

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)