Weatherman from Wasilla: Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews a guest named Hurry Up, weatherman on KTBX TV in Wasilla, AK.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. Today on the show my guest is Hurry Up. He’s the weatherman on KTBX TV here in Wasilla.

JERRY

Hello, Hurry.

HURRY UP

Hi dere.

JERRY

I have to ask. How did you get the name Hurry?

HURRY

My ma told me that when I was comin out of the womb, I was wet and wild like a hurricane. But she couldn’t spell hurricane, so a nurse named me Hurry.

JERRY

What does a weatherman do beside kill time between news and sports?

HURRY

I focus on weather forecastin. The temperatures, air pressure, water vapor, mass flow, humidity.

JERRY

I’m impressed.

HURRY

Don’t be. I’m readin this stuff on the Internet while we’re talkin.

JERRY

What kind of education do you need to be a weatherman?

HURRY

Just a B.S. BullShitten, Jerry. I’m good at it.

JERRY

Hey, Hurry. What does a hurricane, a tornado, and a red neck have in common?

HURRY

I don’t know.

JERRY

In every case, someone loses a trailer.

HURRY

Sounds right. Lost a few in my lifetime. Did you know there were weathermen in ancient Rome?

JERRY

You’re pulling my chain.

HURRY

No. I was readin that a weatherman said to his emperor when he asked for a forecast, “Hail, Caesar.” There you go.

JERRY

Speaking of wind, my mother just blew in from heaven.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

I got a girl for you. Woo hoo woo woo woo.

JERRY

Now who?

MAGGIE

It’s Hurry’s niece Beverly.

JERRY

I hope you mean Hurry has a niece from Beverly Hills. If she’s good looking, I’ll marry her and quit my job.

HURRY

Beverly. Oh ya, a real smart girl. When Bev was 12, the cops called her house to report that her dog chased someone on a bike. She replied, “That’s a lie. My dog doesn’t have a bike.” Case closed.

JERRY

For some reason, I just lost interest.

HURRY

When Bev was 25, she wrote a poem called Winter that earned her a key to the city. I memorized it.

MAGGIE

Let’s hear it, Tumbleweed.

HURRY

(clears throat) Shit, it’s cold. The end.

MAGGIE

I guess she’s not your type, Jerry.

JERRY

Good guess. I found your nose, Ma. It was in my business again.

HURRY

I’m going to cheer you both up with the weather report.

JERRY

Go ahead. I’m already suicidal.

HURRY

Snow and freezin rain for the next 7 days with a high of 10 below on Wednesday. Look at the bright side…you won’t see the dog poop anymore.

JERRY

I hope they fire you.

HURRY

Sorry. Weathermen and politicians can’t lose their jobs if they are wrong.

MAGGIE

Did I tell you Jerry that I’m dating President Nixon?

JERRY

Oh, God.

MAGGIE

Him, too.

JERRY

Nixon? My worst nightmare.

MAGGIE

Here’s a scoop. Do you know what Nixon said to President Ford when he bumped into him at the White House?

JERRY

I surrender?

MAGGIE

Pardon me.

JERRY

My mother and Hurry ruined my morning. But I’m going to enjoy the rest of the day sitting in my car while it’s running with the garage door closed.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.