Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about “The Power of the Dog,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘The Power of the Dog’ got 12 Oscar nominations

… which is like 84 in Dog nominations.

Justice Stephen Breyer retiring from U.S Supreme Court

So, Breyer is retiring from a job where you wear a robe all day to a life where you wear a robe all day.

A look at musicians who are leaving Spotify in 2022

Wondering if Robin Thicke’s gonna pull Marvin Gaye’s music from Spotify!

Ted Cruz says teachers are bringing “explicit pornography” to class in Texas

Maybe they’re just trying to help kids get into Texas S & M?

Happy 79th Birthday, Joe Pesci

And by happy, I don’t mean funny, you are not a clown to me …

Virgin Atlantic captain accused of having sex with air stewardess during flight wins unfair dismissal case

… Even though his food tray wasn’t the only thing in the upright position.

Super Bowl attendees given masks, must wear them unless eating or drinking, says public health director

And, if Aaron Rodgers is there — choking.

Marjorie Taylor Greene accused Speaker Pelosi of running a “Gazpacho” police in Congress

Now, that would be a Soup Nazi.

Moose tramples dog sled team in Alaska for almost an hour

… no word if Squirrel has an alibi.

Tom Brady thanked just about everyone in his retirement announcement—except the Patriots

Despite this, Bob Kraft’s day probably ended with a happy ending.

Nick Cannon says his ‘celibacy journey’ began after conceiving 8th child: “I was out of control”

More like he was “out of Birth Control.”

LeBron james has scored more points than any player in NBA history – But Kareem still officially No. 1

While for scoring off the court, the leader remains Wilt Chamberlain.

Trump’s White House toilet was repeatedly “clogged” with documents: Maggie Haberman book

… After all those Big Macs, didn’t think when Trump ‘let her rip’ in the bathroom it would be about documents …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)