Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Presidents Zelensky, Putin and Biden.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are President of the Ukraine, Volodymr Zelensky; President of Russia, Vladimir Putin; and President of the United States, Joe Biden. Good morning everyone.
VOLODYMR ZELENSKY
Da.
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Da, da.
JOE BIDEN
(sings) Da, da, black sheep. Have you any wool?
BIDEN
I’m serious, man.
JERRY
President Zelensky. It must be a relief to deal with President Biden, who is rational and not a moron like Donald Trump.
ZELENSKY
Donny small hands threaten withhold military aid if I not find dirt on Hunter Biden.
BIDEN
There was no dirt, pal. Hunter had a drug problem. Something Putin can relate to with his Winter Olympics team.
PUTIN
You mean 15-year-old skater Kamila Valieva? She accidentally take grandpa’s heart med instead of vitamin. Innocent mistake. Two year ago, I quit using drugs for good. Now I use for evil. Who need drugs for heart? I don’t have heart.
JERRY
Zelensky. Your country is surrounded by 170,000 Russian troops ready to invade. What do you tell Ukrainian citizens?
ZELENSKY
Every man for himself. I’m bookin, Duncanova. Pretty girl wait for me in French Riviera.
BIDEN
Folks. His comic survival instincts kicked in. Here’s the deal. The two leaders have so much in common. Culture, language, religion. Zelensky is a comedian and Putin is a clown.
JERRY
Mr. Putin. Why do you want to take over the Ukraine? Can’t you just be a peaceful neighbor?
PUTIN
Zelensky want to become member of European Union. He will have trade advantage and close political ties to enemy of Russia.
JERRY
Every country is an enemy of Russia.
PUTIN
No. Russia like China. We have lot in common. China have no friend, either.
BIDEN
Those Chinese thugs have their eye on the big prize Taiwan. President Xi is a bully like you, Putin.
PUTIN
How can I be bully? I short person.
ZELENSKY
I short, too. I constantly thirsty, because can’t reach drinking fountain.
PUTIN
No worry. I do cyber attack and Ukraine won’t have water. We screw up electricity, computer, everything in country.
ZELENSKY
No Chicken Kiev for Russia!
JERRY
How do you feel about the situation President Biden?
BIDEN
If Puty invades the Ukraine, he will pay a heavy price. The United States and our European allies will cut off trade with Russia, go after their banking and financial institutions, stop mail order brides. The list is endless.
PUTIN
Who care? I get Donald Trump elected again and you be in Siberia.
BIDEN
If that ever happens, I will take the matter up with the Geneva Convention. You’d be considered a war criminal.
ZELENSKY
He already war criminal. Russia annex Crimean Peninsula in 2014. That my turf.
PUTIN
I decide what your turf.
JERRY
Okay. Okay. I’ll be the peacemaker.
BIDEN
Don’t forget to tell Puty that he needs to withdraw those 17 troops from the Ukrainian border. I mean 170 troops. Shucks, 170,000.
JERRY
This is it, dweebs. Putin calls off the invasion and his troops withdraw. Zelensky teams up with Putin for a comedy tour called Short and Shorter.
PUTIN
I straight man. Feed funny man lines.
ZELENSKY
That work. I funny man.
JERRY
Deal?
PUTIN AND ZELENSKY
Da! Yes!
BIDEN
That’s a big f*cking deal.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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