Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Super Bowl 2022, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Snoop Dogg smokes weed right before star-studded Super Bowl 2022 halftime show

So, he had a super bowl at Super Bowl 2022!

Ricky Schroder calls on American truckers to ‘shut down’ Washington amid Canadian ‘Freedom Convoy’ protests

Can someone tell me what Erkel thinks, so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that, either.

Feds investigate Beverly Hills mogul, CEO of Fatburger & Johnny Rockets chains

Now we’re talking a real life Hamburgler.

Biden ‘convinced’ Putin will invade as peace movement ‘opposes any war over Ukraine’

Looks like Putin wants ‘peace. “A piece of the Ukraine, a piece of Poland, a piece Finland …”

Tom Selleck finally addresses one of ‘Blue Bloods’ fans’ biggest questions

So, did his character take a reverse mortgage or not?

Judge orders Donald Trump, Ivanka, Trump Jr. to sit for deposition in New York lawsuit

Afterwards, the only place with more fifths will be a Jack Daniels distillery.

NBA 2022 All Star weekend kicks off in Cleveland

Or, as the Kardashians call it ‘Tinder.’

Netflix announces 4 new Dave Chappelle comedy specials

Clearly, they’re trying to cancel his ass through exhaustion.

Woman allegedly used PPP loan to hire hitman

…Probably would’ve gotten away with it if she had spent some of that money on a mask.

Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva claims ther positive drug test was due to her inadvertently taking her grandfather’s heart medication

Makes sense that her long program was mostly ‘I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.’

Passenger jet forced to divert after snake spotted slithering through overhead lights

No word if the plane was met on the ground by Samuel L Jackson.

Right winger Charlie Kirk decries Super Bowl half time show’s ‘Sexual Anarchy’

Hmm, ‘Sexual Anarchy’ sounds like the opening act for ‘Jewish Space Lasers.’

Michael Jordan turns 59 years old today

Which is also the number he probably could still drop on the Magic.

U.S. concerned about Zelensky’s trip to Munich

… especially if he used a one-way ticket…

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)