The Jerry Duncan Interviews Britney Spears

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews pop star Britney Spears.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is pop star Britney Spears.

Britney Spears by steven.i — Britney Spears. Photo by steven.i, flickr.com.

JERRY

Hello Britney.

BRITNEY SPEARS

I’m in love with you.

JERRY

Really?

BRITNEY

No. Just pulling your leg.

JERRY

Go shave your head again, you idiot.

BRITNEY

Good idea. I won’t have to worry about my hair on a windy day.

JERRY

You’re a free woman. After 21 years, you are no longer under a conservatorship by your insane father Jamie Spears. That guy is a few screws short of a hardware store.

BRITNEY

Yeah, he is. I struggled for my independence all those years. Locked up in a psych ward, took drugs, divorced twice.

JERRY

How about the time you drove your infant son Sean on your lap instead of putting him in a car seat? What went through your head?

BRITNEY

The windshield.

BRITNEY

Duncan, I was on drugs. People who think laughter is the best medicine apparently have never had morphine.

JERRY

According to the National Enquirer, you married your childhood friend Jason Alexander in 2004 when you were 25 years old. Then had the marriage annulled. What was the problem?

BRITNEY

When we were making love, I kept thinking he was Jason Alexander from Seinfeld. My sex drive went rapidly downhill.

JERRY

I get it. That porky little guy gives me the willies. But then you turned around in the same year and married dancer Kevin Federline.

BRITNEY

Yep. We had two kids and divorced in 2007. He couldn’t handle my success. I was a big pop star. 5 albums under my belt with hits like Baby One More Time and Oops!…I Did It Again. Music critics called me the “Princess of Pop.”

JERRY

Cool. But you lost custody of your kids. Committed to a psych ward.

BRITNEY

There was a silver lining. I stunk so bad in the nuthouse that I created my own perfume line. I’d say that’s using the old noodle, Duncan.

JERRY

Speaking of perfume. Did you hear about the Chanel CEO who ended up in a mental hospital?

BRITNEY

No. Why?

JERRY

Because he stopped making scents.

BRITNEY

Paris. We have a problem.

JERRY

What’s next for Britney Spears? You’ve sold over 150 million records, won a Grammy, 7 Billboard Awards, starred on television and Broadway.

BRITNEY

I want to get married. I’m looking for the perfect man. The problem is men find it difficult to make eye contact. Breasts don’t have eyes, Duncan.

BRITNEY

Duncan, Duncan! What are you staring at?

JERRY

You’ll be searching a lifetime, Brit. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.