Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Johnny Depp and the Serbian president, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Johnny Depp, Serbian president — Johnny Depp accepted a medal from the Serbian president.

Johnny Depp says he’s ‘on the verge of a new life’ as he accepts medal from Serbian president

Look for him in ‘Pirates of the Adriatic.’

Michigan basketball coach Juwan Howard gets five game suspension for melee with Wisconsin

On the upside, he’s the only person on the Michigan side that hit anything all night

Chinese billionaire who invested in Steve Bannon’s social media site GETTR has declared bankruptcy

They should’ve just named the site after Bannon to begin with and called it GRIFTTR.

Biden’s blames Putin for Ukraine

While Piers Morgan is blaming Meghan Markle.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he’s been 80% vegan the past 5 years and his ‘bad’ cholesterol is now so low his doctor thought he ‘might be a different person’

Adding, going off the diet would mean “I’ll be blocked.”

Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell associate Jean-Luc Brunel found dead in his cell

… so, natural causes.

Tucker Carlson ‘indistinguishable’ from Russian state media, ex-RT host argues

Tucker has gone from ‘Dancing With The Stars’ to ‘Dancing With The Czars.’

BURGERS + TACOS: Jack in the Box is acquiring Del Taco for $575 million

They’re confident they’ll make it back just by charging people for the key to the bathroom.

Senator Susan Collins says she’s ‘very unlikely’ to support Trump in 2024

Welp, if they ever build that fence between Mexico and US, look for Collins to be the first one to sit on it.

Louis C.K. cancels shows in Ukraine amid Russian invasion

Wondering if Louis CK is using his Ukrainian alias while performing in Kiev …. Yankoff Smirnoff.

Cross-country skier Remi Lindholm suffers frozen penis

… While some people thought he was just glad to see them.

NBC says Kazakhstan declined to join Russia’s war in Ukraine

Way to go, Borat!

R & B Singer Keke Wyatt reveals she’s pregnant with her 11th child

The woman doesn’t have a womb she has a Gymboree.

Russian vodka pulled from shelves in Canada bars

… but politely …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)