Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about new flavors from Mountain Dew, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mountain Dew releasing a new flavor

If its target consumer is gay cowboys, might I suggest it be called ‘Brokeback Mountain Dew?’

Switzerland breaks neutrality, will freeze Russian assets in response to war in Ukraine

Damn, at this point, even Switzerland wants to kick Putin in the nuts.

Cuomo drops TV ad in hopes of comeback – ‘New Yorkers lost a proven leader’

Don’t they mean ‘hands on leader?!’

Ukrainian President Zelenskyy signs official application for EU membership

… but for really good deals on bulk purchases, perhaps he should try Costco.

Ron DeSantis yelled at students for wearing masks

Halloween at his house must be a bitch.

Google isn’t the only company requesting workers go back to the office

Don’t believe me …? Google it!

Oath Keepers leader whines in jailhouse interview that Trump abandoned him: ‘He needs to raise money for my legal defense’

Now that’s funny!

FItbit recalls 1.7 Million smartwatches after customers report burn injuries

… Bringing new meaning to the term ‘feel the burn.’

Rudy Giuliani picking a beef with Eminem

So, it’s ‘Slim Shady’ vs. ‘Not So Slim and Really Shady.’

Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet are reportedly giving their marriage a second chance

Don’t be a hater; it’s not like any of us had a chance!

Putin claims troops in Ukraine are ‘Peacekeepers’

Some Republicans disagree saying they’re tourists.

Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley are reportedly exploring getting back together

When asked on a 1 – 10 scale the chances. Rodgers stomped his foot 8 times.

Biden says that every Russian asset in America will be frozen

… look for them to turn the AC up super-high at Mar-a-Lago …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)