The Jerry Duncan Show Reveals Mom’s Secret

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Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his mother, Maggie Duncan.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my mother Maggie Duncan. It must be important, because she is very nervous. Highly unusual for this yenta.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Ma. This better be good, because I bumped Eminem for you.

MAGGIE

Plain or peanut?

JERRY

Peanut, like your brain. Just thinking about M&M’s makes me fart.

MAGGIE

Get a grip. A fart is a lonely cry of an abandoned turd. Didn’t you learn anything in biology?

JERRY

If I give you a straw, will you go suck the fun out of someone else’s day? Tell me why you’re here.

MAGGIE

(nervous)

Jerry, my son.

JERRY

Your only son.

MAGGIE

Ahhhh. Yes and no.

JERRY

What? Did I just hear the word “no”?

MAGGIE

Let me explain. You might be surprised.

JERRY

The last time I was surprised was when you left a plunger in the toilet.

MAGGIE

Jerry, sweet Jerry.

JERRY

You need money. Right?

MAGGIE

Absolutely. I’m buying designer angel wings. But that’s not why I’m here.

MAGGIE

Jerry, sweet Jerry. You have a twin brother named Merv.

JERRY

What? I had a womb mate?

MAGGIE

(apologetic)

Oh, Jerry. We had to choose between you and Merv. Your father lost his carry out job at the Piggly Wiggly and we couldn’t afford both of you. I gave the baby up for adoption.

JERRY

I’m very upset. I want to jump off a cliff like Sven Peterson. I remember how much that surprised you.

MAGGIE

Imagine how surprised he must have been. Why would you think such thoughts?

JERRY

Because you gave away the wrong child. Think how different my life could have been. Maybe raised in a Manhattan penthouse with a summer home in the Hamptons. Winter vacations skiing in Vail and Aspen. Wed to a beautiful woman who married me for my money.

MAGGIE

I’m sorry, Jerry. I should have appreciated you more. I want to apologize for all those years I called you stupid. I thought you already knew. But your brother found me after 45 years and wants a reunion. I can hook you up now. We can all talk. C’mon, I’ll leave you alone for a month.

JERRY

Make it a year. But what’s there to talk about? He’s probably snooty with lots of money and friends in high society.

MAGGIE

Not exactly. Here’s his number.

JERRY

Trust me, I’m only doing this for ratings. Maybe it will go viral on TikTok.

Jerry dials. The phone rings and Merv answers.

MERV DUNCAN

Ello?

JERRY

Merv? I’m your twin brother Jerry.

MAGGIE

I’m here, too. Nerve.

JERRY

It’s Merv. But what the hell.

MERV

Hey, bro. Ma told me all about you and your radio show.

JERRY

It’s a podcast.

MAGGIE

Podcast, shmodcast. You got a big mouth. That’s what matters.

JERRY

I’m sure it doesn’t compare to your life, Merv. Being rich and all.

MAGGIE

Rich? He lives under a freeway in LA.

JERRY

Huh?

MERV

Didn’t ma tell you? I inherited my family tent. I’m so poor, the pigeons throw bread crumbs at me.

JERRY

That makes me feel good. I’ll toss in a whole loaf.

MERV

Appreciate it.

MERV

Ya see, I was raised in the Ozarks by a couple of rubes. My adopted ma and pa were first cousins. We were all in the same 4th grade. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was malnourished. Could only eat so much roadkill. Try digestin squished squirrel 5 nights a week.

MAGGIE

How did you survive?

MERV

I got me a job at a strip club when I was 14. Cleaned the toilet, swept the floor. Tossed out drunks. My pa told me to stay out of strip clubs, because I might see something I shouldn’t. The one time he was right. Hehehe.

JERRY

I’m jealous.

MAGGIE

I wish I could have kept you, Merv. It’s all my fault.

MERV

Why? I’m happy. Even dating.

MAGGIE

Maybe you have someone for Jerry?

JERRY

I don’t think so.

MERV

Yeah. Probably not your type. Last week, I saw this pretty homeless woman on the street. I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said, “Sure.” Boy, the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box. Sold it for one dollar.

MAGGIE

You’re a good businessman. Now I don’t feel so bad.

JERRY

I’m sick to my stomach. My twin brother Merv and my mother everyone. Double yech.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean Kaner
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