Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about MLB contract agreements, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

MLB and MLBPA agree to new CBA

… causing Pirate fans to sue for future mental duress.

Yellowstone tourists encounter one of park’s rarest animals, a Wolverine

Word is they’re usually on suspension for throwing a punch at a Badger.

Moscow retaliates against Western sanctions with export bans

No word what Biden will do to increase the domestic bride market.

2 years ago, the WHO declared COVID a pandemic

That was seconded by LED ZEPPELIN.

Charles Entenmann died today at 92

The family asks for charitable donations in lieu of flour.

Florida passes ‘Don’t Say Gay’ law

So how am I supposed to describe the apparel I don on Christmas?

International Cat Federation bans Russian felines from competitions

Damn, and I heard it was going to be held in Meowscow.

Pete Davidson to play version of himself in ‘unflinching’ comedy of his life

If all his leading ladies play themselves, the premiere will be like an SNL guest hostess reunion show.

The European Parliament votes to give Ukraine candidate status in the European Union

Big money saver. They just get all the UK embroidered towels and robes left behind by the United Kingdom.

Happy 82th birthday Chuck Norris

He’s around the age where he can star in ‘Needs A Walker: Texas Ranger.’

Anti-war protest taking place today in Novosibirsk, the largest city of Siberia

In fairness, what do they have to lose? I mean where are they going to send them to … ?

Biden announces major non-NATO ally status for Colombia

Ironically, that’s nothing to snort at.

Report: Phil Jackson advising Lakers owner Jeanie Buss

… In talks of getting Michael, Scottie and Shaq to play; but they may be too young for this team.

Marjorie Taylor Greene says she’s now working for free in Congress due to mask fines

… and is still overpaid …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)