Jerry Duncan Interviews Wasilla Tree Trimmer

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews a Wasilla, Alaska tree trimmer.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is is a good morning? Yes, indeed. Today on the show my guest is Morty Green. A tree trimmer here in Wasilla.

MORTY GREEN

I also trim mustaches, Jerry.

JERRY

Who the hell cares? And by the way, is that a mustache or have your eyebrows come down for a drink?

MORTY

It’s a stache. They don’t call me Crumb Catcher for nothin.

JERRY

Congratulations.

MORTY

Speakin of crumbs. Carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming.

JERRY

Why?

MORTY

Crackers leave crumbs. Just sayin.

JERRY

Let’s talk about trees. As I understand, there are many varieties in Alaska.

MORTY

Sure. We have Spruce, Birch and Poplar. Very smart trees. They can “log in” to the internet.

JERRY

So how do you trim them?

MORTY

It depends. I don’t cut Spruce. Birch need prunin. I need to cut them branches or they become diseased and insect infected. Birch trees serve a purpose. Many centuries ago, Native Americans made canoes from their bark.

JERRY

Interesting.

MORTY

Yep. But here’s the unsolved mystery. Two Native Americans in a canoe and two Russians in a tank. Who tips first?

JERRY

I bet on the Russians. After all, 5 out of 6 Russians say Russian Roulette is safe.

JERRY

What is the scariest part of the tree trimmer job other than being high up when you’re trimming?

MORTY

Power lines. Sometimes tree branches touch the power lines, so I need to cut them down with a chain saw.

JERRY

Ever get shocked?

MORTY

Many times. Once I cut a line and all the electricity blew in a bunch of igloos. Their homes went into liquidation. Who’d ever thunk?

JERRY

You should quit your job. It’s dangerous.

MORTY

Nah. I love the thrill of being electrocuted. Some things you just can’t let go.

Maggie Duncan joins the conversation.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

I know I promised not to see you for a month, Jerry.

JERRY

Then keep your promise.

MAGGIE

I can’t. Morty could cause a power outage in Wasilla. You wouldn’t be able to do the show.

JERRY

She’s right, Morty.

MORTY

Jerry. It ain’t gonna happen.

MAGGIE

Ah, bull. I remember when you were a handyman. It was 80 degrees outside and you were wearing two coats.

MORTY

Of course. You need two coats when you paint, dummy.

MAGGIE

How dare you call me dummy. I got an A on my IQ test.

MORT

And I got the results of my IQ test. A 70. I’d say that’s better than an A.

JERRY

What are you two knuckleheads bragging about? Both of your IQ’s are a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Let’s settle this once and for all. I’m curious who is smarter.

MAGGIE

Me.

MORT

Not.

MAGGIE

Am.

JERRY

Listen up. I’m going to put a question on your computer screen. The one who answers correctly will be declared the smartest.

The question appears on the screen.

JERRY

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” What did the other blonde say?

MAGGIE

That’s easy. “Do you have a flashlight?”

JERRY

Nice try.

MAGGIE

Crap.

JERRY

How about you, Morty?

MORTY

The screen is blurry, Jerry. I don’t know. I can’t see.

JERRY

“I don’t know, I can’t see.” That’s the correct answer. You’re smarter than my mother!

MORTY

And a fifth grader.

JERRY

Morty and my mother everyone. See you tomorrow

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.