Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about bracket busters, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

March Madness 2022: Bracket busters galore

Which is why I’ll be watching the NCAA Tournament at home this weekend, as will most of my picks.

The European Parliament votes to give Ukraine candidate status in the European Union

Big money saver… they just get all the UK embroidered towels and robes left behind by the United Kingdom.

An invasive species of spider the size of a child’s hand is expected to “colonize” the entire East Coast this spring by parachuting down from the sky, researchers announced

… somebody needs to warn them…

It’s National Pi Day

A day that seems to go on forever.

The Rolling Stones have announced that they’re celebrating 60 years touring by naming their next tour simply “SIXTY”

While combined, they don’t look a day over 615.

Jussie Smollett in isolation

Kind of makes sense; he is most likely to hire someone to hurt himself.

‘Jeopardy!’ fans are congratulating Ken Jennings on his incredible hosting news

It’s one of the few times one gets rewarded for behavior that’s considered questionable.

Former CNN anchor Chris Cuomo asked an arbitrator to award him $125 million for what he called his “unlawful” firing

As we know, anything involving his brother Andrew is a touchy subject.

Ukrainian and Russian ballet dancers to perform together

Songs they’ll dance to: ‘Crimea River’ and ‘Putin’ on the Hits.’

Tucker Carlson leads right wing charge to blame everyone but Putin

Look for Tucker’s new show ‘Fox and Comrades.’

Asteroid half the size of a giraffe strikes Earth off the coast of Iceland

… now that’s sticking your neck out on an estimate.

The Ukrainian President is a sitcom star known as Ukraine’s Dad

If they’d sent America’s Dad, Bill Cosby would’ve just slipped something into all of Russians drinks.

‘Wheel of Fortune’ fans stunned after Pat Sajak slams contestant

Next puzzle was Sh_T TH_ F_ _ K _ P, P_T.

Putin upset with Russian troops performance in Ukraine

… Fact is, Putin’s so upset with how Russian troops are performing, pretty soon he’s going to require that they take their grandfather’s heart medicine …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)