Senator Lindsey Graham: Talk Radio Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. Good morning, Senator Snaggletooth.

SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM

C’mon. My parents forgot to fix my frickin teeth after I threw away my pacifier in high school.

JERRY

Don’t be defensive. Even though you’re ugly inside and out, you’ve appeared on my show three times.

GRAHAM

Appreciate it. And in honor of the occasion, I’m wearing a new dress and heels.

JERRY

No, you’re not. I saw a picture of you in the National Enquirer wearing that same outfit at a Senate party.

GRAHAM

I forgot. It was before Christmas. I like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

JERRY

Let’s get down to business. Why have your politics changed from a reasonable Senator to a rabid dog? You used to work with colleagues on both sides of the aisle.

GRAHAM

Well. I’m upset that the Democrats are accusing Trump of unethical behavior. The January 6, 2020 insurrection on the Capitol was peaceful. Oh sure, a few cops got roughed up.

JERRY

146 cops hurt, 5 people died. The Trumpster told his supporters to “Stop The Steal.”

GRAHAM

Trump said he didn’t. There are alternative facts. That’s why I’m a Republican.

JERRY

Let’s talk about Supreme Court Justice nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson.

GRAHAM

I may be mistaken, but didn’t she sing in The Jackson Five?

JERRY

Go put on some lipstick.

JERRY

In a contentious Senate Judiciary hearing, you accused her of being soft on crime. Yet, your buddy Donald Trump committed treason. Impeached twice.

GRAHAM

Maybe Trump tried to overturn the 2020 election results, but he loves America.

JERRY

And Putin.

GRAHAM

Look. I ain’t voting for Benji, Bungee, Kanye.

JERRY

It’s Ketanji. Why?

GRAHAM

Because like Trump, I don’t like smart people.

JERRY

The truth is you don’t like women. Especially strong Black women.

GRAHAM

The South shall rise again! We hold up our pants with a bible belt, Duncan.

JERRY

There you go with that temper tantrum. She’s going to be on the Supreme Court without your vote.

GRAHAM

You had to say that. Now I got my panties in a wad.

JERRY

What’s next for Lindsey Graham?

GRAHAM

I’ll be campaigning to put more Republicans in office in 2024. We need compassionate candidates like Ted Cruz, Greg Abbott, Ron DeSantis, and a rising star Kari Lake. She’s running for Governor of Arizona.

JERRY

What makes her special?

GRAHAM

Lake is going to stop immigration, period. No more foreigners. She’s going to put cameras in the classrooms, so teachers can be spied on by Lake’s peeps. Did I tell you she is going to force the homeless into sewers so they won’t be seen?

JERRY

Snaggletooth. Your ass must be jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth.

GRAHAM

Bring it on.

JERRY

Folks. I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the week. Now it’s election night and Lindsey Graham. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.