Jerry Duncan Interviews Dumbo the Elephant

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the famous film star Dumbo the Elephant.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the famous film star Dumbo the Elephant.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning, Dumbo.

DUMBO THE ELEPHANT

Oy. I can hardly move. My arthritis is killing me.

JERRY

I have Ben Gay. Will that help?

DUMBO

There isn’t enough crap in a tube to even cover my right nut. You should never know from such pain.

JERRY

You’re 81 years old. Old people have pain.

DUMBO

I suppose, but I still chase the ladies. Met a lovely woman at my arthritis support group last night. We clicked together.

JERRY

Let’s see. You were born in a circus down in Florida in 1941. Your mother is Mrs. Jumbo. Who’s pops?

DUMBO

There is no pops. I’m a cartoon. The stork delivered me.

JERRY

How did you get the name Dumbo?

DUMBO

Well, my mother named me Mumbo Junior. But my ears were so big, the other elephants laughed and I was called Dumbo.

JERRY

Huh?

DUMBO

Okay, Duncan. Here’s the real story. I’m stupid and the only elephant that forgets. Dumb, Dumbo, whatever. The other day an elephant told me I’m missing my mind, so I went looking for it.

JERRY

Is that why you left the circus in Florida?

DUMBO

No. I was tired of working for peanuts. Walt Disney offered me a lucrative deal in a movie I couldn’t refuse. Do you remember Timothy the mouse who befriended me?

JERRY

Not really.

DUMBO

He was my manager. Made me rich.

JERRY

Is Timothy still alive?

DUMBO

Nah. He couldn’t resist cheese and was cooked in a pizza oven.

JERRY

Gross. Mice give me the creeps. Except Mickey and Minnie.

DUMBO

Hey. Mickey and Minnie went into a bar with loaded guns. Donald ducked.

JERRY

Is he okay?

DUMBO

It’s a joke, Duncan.

JERRY

So are you. I understand there are three different types of elephants: Asian, African Savannah, and African Forest.

DUMBO

Yeah. We have one thing in common. We’re all fat.

JERRY

How much do you guys and gals weigh?

DUMBO

15,000 pounds. I found out there is only one way to look thin. Hang out with Donald Trump and Chris Christie.

JERRY

I’ve always wondered. What do you use tusks for?

DUMBO

Everything. Lifting, gathering food, stripping bark to eat from trees, and digging water holes. If you ask me more stupid questions, you’ll have two tusks up your tuchus. Get my drift?

JERRY

Got it, Mumbo Jumbo. I mean Dumbo.

JERRY

Can I ask what you do in retirement?

DUMBO

Shoot. Oops, wrong word. Those morons Don Jr and Eric Trump will take me up on it. I’m an investor in a brand of peanut butter called Sticky. It sticks to the roof of your mouth and between your teeth. You smell like peanut butter all day. I also have another job.

JERRY

What?

DUMBO

I fly people on my ears. It’s cheaper that going commercial.

JERRY

Do you serve anything on the flight?

DUMBO

Peanuts. It’s either that or fresh made dung.

JERRY

Yikes! No toilet.

DUMBO

There’s an old Chinese proverb. “Man who stand on toilet be high on pot.”

JERRY

Dumbo the Elephant, ladies and gentlemen. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.