Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about Putin’s long meeting table, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Putin long meeting table — Putin’s long meeting table: compensating for something, Vlad?

Vladimir Putin’s famous long meeting table has drawn international interest

Let’s face it, if Putin’s long meeting table gets any longer, half of it will be in Sarah Palin’s living room.

Piers Morgan took sides in Chris Rock/Will Smith fight

…. By blaming Meghan Markle.

Chinese oil and gas company cancels $500 million investment in Russia

So, a tank of unleaded and a couple of Slim Jims.

Biden says sub he commissioned will enhance US security

While people in Philly complain he should’ve gone with a hoagie.

Megan Fox went to a ‘Machine Gun Kelly’ concert wearing a semi-sheer leopard minidress

Good thing his name isn’t ‘Big Game Hunting Rifle Kelly’ or this’d be a whole different news item.

Louis CK Grammy win sparks backlash

I guess they now have a category for playing with yourself.

Seventh Russian General Bites the Dust

… with the next one, Ukraine gets a free coke and medium fries …

Sean Penn says he will “smelt” his Oscar if Ukrainian president is not invited to ceremony

Well, we’ll know it’s his on eBay, ‘cuz the one who smelt it, dealt it.

Keven McCarthy to speak to Rep. Cawthorn after orgy comment sparks GOP frustration

No word if they’re mad it happened … or, that they didn’t get an invite.

Scott Disick will only attend Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker’s wedding if it’s being filmed, apparently

Which is weird, because Kardashians usually leave the filming for the wedding night.

House passes CROWN Act banning discrimination against Black hairstyles

While Rand Paul’s hair is still covered under animal protection laws.

Rumored casting of Hugh Grant as the next ‘Doctor Who’

Then a more appropriate name would be ‘Doctor Didn’t He Use To Be.’

Joe Exotic wants divorce from husband Dillon Passage to marry new prison lover

Or, he can wait to host SNL and date Pete Davidson!

The U.S. Economy added 431,000 jobs

… apparently none were in security at the Academy Awards …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)