Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about singer Billy Joel, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Billy Joel biopic gets greenlit despite no music, likeness, or name rights

Song list to include: ‘Player Piano Man,’ ‘Ellentown,’ ‘Downtown Girl’ and ‘We Didn’t Inflate The Tire.’

Senate confirms Ketanji Brown Jackson to Supreme Court

Congratulations, Judge Jackson, the most famous African American to join the Supremes since Diana Ross.

Elon Musk buys 9.2% stake in Twitter, making him the largest shareholder

Word is, Musk picked up his Twitter shares at the 5 & 10 Billion Dollar Store.

Trump ally Devin Nunes loses Washington Post defamation appeal

Look for him to spend some time in a quiet place … Truth Social.

Porn Hub cockblocks Russian users

So, in other words, they can’t see people Putin out.

Academy bans Will Smith from attending Oscars for 10 years

I guess Will’s going have to sit at home and not watch it like everyone else.

AG Garland comes down with COVID 19

He’ll be out of the public eye for 10 days… so no one will notice any difference.

Play ball!

It’s opening day for Major League Baseball; although, Matt Gaetz still prefers the minors.

Paula Patton frying chicken went viral

No word if her ex Robin Thicke stole the recipe for her from Marvin Gaye’s mom.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are reportedly engaged again

Quiet haters, it’s not like any of us had a shot.

Madison Cawthorn now blames DC cocaine and orgy claims on ‘the left and the media’

I think he’s mixing up blame with “thank you.”

Happy 73rd birthday, Eric Idle

At this point, his funny walk won’t be listed in one of Cleese’s ‘15 Ministries of Silly Walks.’ It’s just him going to pee in the middle of the night.

Tiger’s playing in Masters

I’m sure he’ll be safe; golfers don’t get behind the wheel of any golf carts at Augusta.

Former federal prosecutor says Ivanka ‘incriminated Donald Trump’ to Jan. 6 Committee

… so, if true, Trump finally may get his wish to have Ivanka roll over on him …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)