Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and Trump Attorney Rudy Giuliani.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and former Mayor of New York City and Trump Attorney Rudy Giuliani. This is the third time they have squared off on my show.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
I can’t believe that I’m in the same room as this psycho putz.
TRUMP ATTORNEY RUDY GIULIANI
Why? Just because I was part of an insurrection. I mean, peaceful demonstration on January 6, 2020.
SANDERS
Peaceful my tuchus. 146 police officers injured, 5 people killed. I guess growing up in a Mafia family, that’s bupkis.
GIULIANI
I can explain. According to Vladimir Putin, these were props. Trump and I believe the man.
SANDERS
Look. If you and Trump were in a plane together and it went down, who would survive?
GIULIANI
Me?
JERRY
Wrong. The United States.
SANDERS
You beat me to the punch.
JERRY
Moving on. Bernie, any thoughts about running for President in 2024?
SANDERS
Absolutely. I appeal to young people. Medicare for all, free college tuition, legalized pot.
GIULIANI
People who smoke pot go brain dead.
SANDERS
Name one.
GIULIANI
Bill Maher.
SANDERS
Yeah. Bill smokes dope. But you worked for a dope.
JERRY
Rudster. Who are you dating these days?
GIULIANI
I’m not dating. Still trying to deal with my ex-wife.
JERRY
Which one?
GIULIANI
Judith Nathan. She’s trying to claim my fortune. I could lose everything.
JERRY
It can’t get worse. You already lost your mind.
JERRY
C’mon. You’re secretly dating Jennifer LeBlanc. You’ve been spotted with her on several occasions.
SANDERS
Who the hell is she?
GIULIANI
Never heard of the woman.
JERRY
A Republican fundraising consultant from Louisiana.
SANDERS
Oh, I get it. The man needs money. In fact, the other day I asked Dr. Phil about Rudy.
GIULIANI
Phil is a smart man.
SANDERS
He sure is. Got to the bottom of the developmental difference between you and a caveman.
GIULIANI
And?
SANDERS
There is no difference.
JERRY
A few months ago, I ran into Dr. Phil at a convention. I asked him. “Can you help me save my sick hamster?” He said, “I’m not really a doctor.” I said, “I know. Just wanted to hear you say it.”
JERRY
Rudster. Is Trump going to run for President in 2024?
GIULIANI
I can’t reveal secrets. Let’s just say I have a few trips planned to Russia.
SANDERS
Treason! Russian hacking, blots, a disinformation campaign, voter suppression. A rerun of 2016.
GIULIANI
(sings) And a partridge in a pear tree.
JERRY
I understand you unlocked some of your cell phones for prosecutors relating to the Ukraine lobbying probe.
GIULIANI
I have nothing to hide.
JERRY
Really? There are witnesses including Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky who said you asked him to find dirt on Hunter and Joe Biden.
GIULIANI
Not true. I told Zelensky that if Biden wins the election, he will be selecting a cabinet. Joe Biden took my advice and bought one at IKEA.
SANDERS
I like IKEA. You can get a lawyer there that is affordable, but you have to build your own case.
JERRY
I understand you have a problem with fellow Democratic Senator Krysten Sinema. The feud has gone public.
SANDERS
I want her removed from every committee. She opposed the Build Back Better bill, and changes to the filibuster to pass voting rights legislation. Sinema is so ugly that when her mom dropped her off at school , she got fined for littering.
SANDERS
Now if you’ll excuse me, Jerry. I need to take my blood pressure meds.
JERRY
Looks like the Republicans have a chance to steal the elections in 2022 and 2024.
GIULIANI
Republicans are the adults in the room. We don’t want government running our lives.
SANDERS
Tell that to your peeps who receive social security and Medicare. The truth is Republican politicians are like children, and voters should put them in permanent time out.
JERRY
Can you two agree on anything?
SANDERS
Sure. A hot corn beef sandwich is the best thing since the invention of the wheel.
GIULIANI
Get real. Spaghetti and meatballs.
SANDERS
Bagels and lox.
GIULIANI
Ravioli.
SANDERS
Your mother wore combat boots.
GIULIANI
So did your father.
SANDERS
Streisand.
GIULIANI
Sinatra.
SANDERS
Al Franken.
GIULIANI
Al Capone.
JERRY
Bernie and Rudy everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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