Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that saying Kmart nears extinction, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Once a retail giant, Kmart nears extinction

Yup, instead of “Attention, Kmart shoppers,” it’s “Attention, Kmart shopper.”

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott’s truck inspection policy created a logjam at the border that resulted in $240 million of spoiled produce

Texas is now called ‘The Lone Star State,’ based on its Yelp reviews.

President Biden released his tax returns

Look for the ‘NY Times’ to soon do the same for former President Trump.

Passover, Ramadan and Easter overlap in 2022

Well, nothing says Passover and Ramadan like a sale on Honey Baked Ham!

Russia admits Black Sea flagship ‘sunk’

Although, they’re now going to just call it ‘a submarine.’

Molly Shannon locked herself in hotel bathroom to escape “relentless” Gary Coleman

So, sounds like he thought she wanted to get a little.

‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill passes Florida Senate

I’m betting right wingers in France probably want to enact a ‘Don’t Say Gay Paree Law.’

Cardi B and Offset reveal name of their baby boy and share first photos showing his face

I’m going with Times Roman or Comic Sans.

Syphilis cases up nearly 2000% in South Dakota

Which is why the state Capitol name will now be known as ‘Got Lucky Pierre.’

Assuming daily sales of 4K gallons at $0.05/gallon, your typical station might only bring home $200-300/day from gas

Unless you count the gas you get from convenience store nachos, Slim Jim’s, etc.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker get married ‘in secret’ Las Vegas ceremony’

…So secret they almost didn’t tell the camera crew.

Al Pacino steps out for dinner with Mick Jagger’s ex-girlfriend Noor Alfallah, 28

Someone has Great Grandaddy issues.

A class of kindergartners accidentally drank tequila during snack time at a Michigan school

So, the day after they needed to learn their AABC’s.

Josh Mandel told MLK Jr’s daughter she doesn’t understand her father’s words

… or, as it’s known ‘White Mansplaining’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)