Florida Governor: The Jerry Duncan Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Ron DeSantis, Governor of the not so great state of Florida.

FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS

That’s a low blow.

JERRY

Exactly what Trump said to Stormy Daniels.

JERRY

Gov. Let’s talk about what’s happening in Florida.

DESANTIS

Bring it on. They love me here.

JERRY

Oh really? People are so hot from the humidity that a woman thought she saw a bear in Miami.

DESANTIS

A bear?

JERRY

Well, as she got closer she realized it was a cockroach fist fighting with a Cuban.

DESANTIS

That’s why in Florida we leave the lights on for you in every Motel 6. It keeps the roaches in hiding.

JERRY

If you’re talking to me, who’s running the Bates Motel?

DESANTIS

Stephen Miller.

JERRY

When did you realize that you were never going to have friends?

DESANTIS

It was in preschool. No one would let me play with their toys in the sandbox. But I got even. There were clumps of cat turds underneath the sand, so I scooped them up with my hands and passed them out to every kid. The little monsters thought it was candy and ate it. I laughed my ass off as they gagged and cried.

JERRY

What happened as you got older?

DESANTIS

I was meaner. In high school, I dropped a childhood friend because he was Puerto Rican. I was against a student LGBTQ group, and started a campaign to get rid of condoms. It was the moment I realized I was a Republican. I aspired to be the next Archie Bunker.

JERRY

You realize Archie is a fictitious character.

DESANTIS

No, he’s not. Fake news.

JERRY

Okay, Meathead. Let’s talk about your college days.

DESANTIS

I went to Yale. Then Harvard, where I graduated from law school. That’s when I became radicalized.

JERRY

Before the Trump days.

DESANTIS

Yes. Trump stole my ideas.

JERRY

(sarcastic) That’s comforting to know.

There’s an urgency in Jerry’s voice.

JERRY

Mickey Mouse is on the line. He’s angry and wants to talk.

DESANTIS

Let him.

JERRY

You’re on the air, Mickey.

MICKEY MOUSE

Thank you, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

You bet. I’m an equal opportunity insulter.

DESANTIS

Say your piece, Mouse. I don’t have all day.

MICKEY

I may be a mouse, but you’re a rat DeSantis. You took away the self-governing status at Disney World. We’re the largest employer in Florida.

DESANTIS

You sided with the LBGTQ community by educating students in elementary schools about same sex relationships. Now you’ll have to pay taxes like every corporation.

MICKEY

Amazon doesn’t pay taxes. General Electric doesn’t pay taxes.

JERRY

Donald Trump doesn’t pay taxes.

DESANTIS

If Trump gets caught. He could end up living in a tax shelter like my homeless accountant.

JERRY

Let’s talk about your record since you entered the political arena. First as a U.S. House representative from 2013-18 and then as Florida Governor.

DESANTIS

I just want to say something. Disney World reminds me of Chernobyl, except the 5 foot mouse is real there.

JERRY

Quit changing the subject. I need to humiliate you. You resisted imposing restrictions during the COVID pandemic. No face mask mandates, stay-at-home orders and vaccination requirements.

DESANTIS

Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last.

JERRY

And Florida experienced a record surge in infections. 1 out of 5 Americans from your hood.

DESANTIS

That’s their choice, Duncan. Isn’t freedom beautiful?

JERRY

Abortion restrictions in Florida.

DESANTIS

No freedom for women. I’m the decider.

JERRY

Books banned in schools.

DESANTIS

Let’s do book burning. Freedom from education. It worked for Hitler.

JERRY

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

DESANTIS

Bill Barr?

JERRY

Ron DeSantis.

MICKEY

Hahaha. Well, I gotta go. Catching a flight on the space shuttle.

JERRY

Why?

MICKEY

I want to find Pluto.

JERRY

Ron DeSantis and Mickey Mouse everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.