Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Mike Tyson, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a guy in face on plane, bloodies passenger

Note: Any place Mike Tyson is sitting on a plane is ‘Mind Your Own F#%king Business Class!’

Florida thinking about taking away some Disney legal perks and loopholes

Look for Disney to just move its finances to a ride called ‘Pirates of the Caribbean Island Tax Shelters!’

Will and Jada Smith could have ‘one of ugliest divorces in showbiz history’

I’m guessing they’ll do a movie version ‘Codependence Day.’

Biden takes shots at GOP, Trump, crazy conspiracies theories: ‘This is a MAGA party now. Ted Cruz thanks him

Biden: I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Your father killed Jack Kennedy.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are taking their relationship to the next level

… a mini-series.

Happy 96^th Birthday, Queen Elizabeth

Not saying Queen Elizabeth is old, but she just turned the big XCVI.

It’s 420, Marijuana Day

Or, as Snoop calls it ‘Weednesday.’

Masked Singer’s Rudy Giuliani reveal leads to Ken Jeong walkout as he declares ‘I’m done’

The DOJ should hire the Producers of The Masked Singer because those people have no trouble booking Rudy Giuliani.

Meghan Markle reportedly gave her coat to a mom so she could cover her infant from the cold

… While Piers Morgan accuses her of trying to suffocate a baby.

Warner Bros. Discovery is shutting down CNN+

Last person at CNN to give that many people the shaft was Jeffrey Toobin.

Marjorie Taylor Greene trolled for ‘perjury,’ says she ‘can’t remember’

Look for Greene to probably still be at the courthouse because she can’t recall where she parked her car.

Jennifer Lopez’s new green diamond engagement ring from Ben Affleck is massive

Don’t hate her ‘cause she’s Jenny with a ring the size of a block.

Tennessee Republican state senator says Hitler’s life proves that you can bounce back from homelessness

Yup, if you take it one small goose step at a time.

Elon Musk says it’s ‘very annoying’ when journalists debunk his predictions

… yeah, but at least he’s not buying a social media platform to get even. Oh wait …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)