Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Lucky Charms, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

FDA investigating Lucky Charms after more than 100 reports of illnesses

… they’re magically infectious.

Elon Musk reportedly wants to charge for tweet embeds

So, it’s not free speech; it’s fee speech.

Marijuana has been legal for sale in NJ for two days

Or, was that 3 days? People in New Jersey forget.

Biden trashes GOP for attacking Disney over ‘Don’t Say Gay’ law: ‘Christ, they’re going after Mickey Mouse’

Look for Disney to name a ride after DeSantis ‘It’s a Small-Minded World After all, After All.’

Cuba Gooding Jr. hosting at NYC Strip Club after Pleading Guilty to forcible touching

… Betting he’ll be screaming ‘show me the money …. in singles!’

Macron has won reelection, defeating Le Pen 58.2%-41.8%, according to France 2 television

So, the LePen wasn’t mightier than the democracy.

Gov. Greg Abbott truck inspections turned up zero drugs, migrants but cost Texas $4.2 billion

Abbott’s turned Texas from the ‘Longhorn’ to the ‘Long Honking Horn’ State.

Kim’s 1st husband just responded to claims she was on drugs when they got married

That explains show’s original title ‘Shooting Up with the Kardashians.’

Tennis Star Boris Becker got 2 and 1/2 years in prison for hiding assets during his bankruptcy

… Bringing new meaning to the term racketeer.

The Fox rumor mill is buzzing about “lewd and lascivious” pictures of Laura Ingraham and Lou Dobbs circulating

Look for their new show ‘Fox and Friends with Benefits!’

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard ran up a $160,000 bill with a wine merchant

… Turned out to be a very bad year.

Trump walks out of explosive Piers Morgan interview after being pressed on 2020 election

Couldn’t they both agree Trump lost because of Meghan Markle?

Happy 89th Birthday, Willie Nelson

What do you get the guy who’s smoked everything?

Rep. Madison Cawthorn says pictures of him in lingerie are ‘goofy vacation photos’ taken during a cruise game

… bringing new meaning to a transatlantic cruise…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)