What if he had a food addiction instead? Johnny Depp’s cry for help in Court: “Who wants to look like a Fat Pirate?”
As charming actor Johnny Depp & his young actress ex-wife Amber Heard continue to duke it out in a $50 Million defamation of character civil trial – come along with me as I put tongue-firmly-in-cheek on what it would be like if they were Jewish & Johnny had a food addiction instead!
(For those who aren’t keeping up with the titillating minutiae of the trial – there is human Doo-Doo found on his side of the bed & detectives conclude – her dirty tricks are nowhere to be found in her S&M Handbook!)
Sidelining the usual Defense Lawyer’s combative questions – here’s the Judge listening to Johnny Depp’s fervent plea from the witness stand.
JOHNNY DEPP
Your Honor, she hit me with a Hebrew National!
JUDGE
Baloney!
JOHNNY
No, Salami!
JUDGE
I see from this Defamation case, your wife sabotages your dieting efforts.
Yes. Every day she brings home ‘Entenmann’s’!
What’s that?
Religious Pastries.
You don’t have to eat it, do you?
Yes, I do – it calls my name.
What’s that?
‘Weak’!
Is your wife a good cook?
Is she here?
Yes, in a Sound Proof Booth!
She’s the worst cook – but to save the marriage I have Seconds!
You mean you do that because ‘you don’t want to cause a Tzimmes’…(Sim-iss)
Are you ‘a Landsman’?
Thank G-d, no – but during Fraternity Initiation I had to eat it!
What else has your wife done?
Our arguments are all circular & I didn’t know how to end it so I finally put ‘Matzoh’ Crumbs on her side of the bed!
Bizarre, Grotesque & Cruel! What’s she like in the Bedroom?
It’s all in my Deposition.
Well, the Jury has to hear it & it’s televised, you know – so let’s have it!
Okay, ‘Get off me’!
‘You call that sex‘?
And, ‘You call 911 – my nails are drying’!
We’re all stressed here, we need some laughs…any more?
Okay, okay – ‘My Dildo doesn’t have to go on a Diet’!
Oh Johnny – if it were only up to me! Well, she must have some redeemable qualities. Does she bring home the bacon?
Are you kidding, she’s so mean – she lets the Pigs in Blankets shiver!
Haha I mean, is she the Breadwinner?
Yes, always with the Challah & the Marble Rye.
No, Johnny – is she the one who makes the money?
No, but she calls me ‘Fat Boy’, ‘Tub O’ Chicken Fat’ & worse!
What’s that?
‘Sugar Tits’!
Ouch!
And then she tells me I’m not the man she married! And, I tell her, ‘That’s right – I was thin & happily single’!
Judge, she’s killin’ me – who wants to look like a Fat Pirate?
Well, you’re rid of her now, aren’t you – you can stop eating so much!
No, Hollywood won’t hire me anymore! As we speak, they’re looking for someone to fit into my old ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ Jack Sparrow costume.
Folks, the court will now take a lunch break & don’t forget not to talk to anyone or read any of Marilyn Sands articles! I’m skipping lunch & auditioning Wenches & trying on Cod Pieces!
Kosher, of course!
Be sure to check out: “It’s All About DEPP Perception – How we all see JOHNNY’S Plight Differently“.
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