Justice Brett Kavanaugh: Talk Radio Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? No, it’s not. Roe v. Wade may be overturned. This is the worst thing that has happened since Donald Trump’s mother forgot to use birth control. Here to explain everything is a member of the Supreme Court, Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. Photo by Fred Schilling, Public Domain.

JERRY

Good morning, Justice Kavanaugh.

JUSTICE BRETT KAVANAUGH

Call me Brett. Mind if I drink beer during the interview? I like beer. Do you like beer?

JERRY

No. I don’t.

KAVANAUGH

I bet you smoke dope, Duncan.

JERRY

The only dope that comes to mind is you.

JERRY

Help me understand. A draft opinion by Justice Alito was written on February 10 about overturning Roe v. Wade.

KAVANAUGH

Yep. He reached the same conclusion as us conservatives on the Court.

JERRY

That a woman doesn’t have the legal right over her own body. Isn’t that it, Brett?

KAVANAUGH

My lips are sealed.

JERRY

Senator Susan Collins said she never thought you’d go this far. You said in your Senate confirmation hearing that Roe v. Wade is set precedent in our laws.

KAVANAUGH

(drunk) I said, “Vladimir Putin is my President.” And by the way, Collins big nose grew bigger after she bored everyone to death. I can’t tell if Senator Collins has a small head and a big nose or a big nose and a small head. I’ve called for a hearing on the matter.

JERRY

Christine Blosey Ford alleged that you tried to rape her in the 80’s when you two were in high school.

KAVANAUGH

Liar. Wannabe cheerleader.

JERRY

Silence. This interview will come to order.

KAVANAUGH

I’ll have a cold Bud and pretzels.

JERRY

As you know, I’m against torture. That’s what three women have lived through the past three decades. All because you were a bad boy. Alleged victim Julie Swetnick claimed you were spiking drinks in high school so girls couldn’t resist.

KAVANAUGH

That’s not torture. Boys night out, Duncan.

JERRY

I know a little something about “torture.” My dead mother visits me every day.

JERRY

Alleged victim Deborah Ramirez said that you exposed yourself and thrust your shlong against her face after heavy drinking at a college party in 1984.

KAVANAUGH

I was trying to get her attention, because she forgot her purse. Deborah should thank me.

JERRY

Many people said you were a sloppy drunk. An alcoholic if you will.

KAVANAUGH

That’s a lie. Alcoholics need a drink, but I’ve always had one. Hey, Duncan. Wanna hear an abortion joke?

JERRY

Sure.

KAVANAUGH

Never mind. I can’t deliver it.

JERRY

Brettster. Why doesn’t a rooster wear pants?

KAVANAUGH

No clue.

JERRY

Because his pecker is on his head, just like yours.

JERRY

You and the conservative Court bother me. 25% of American women will have an abortion by age 45. And Roe v. Wade could eventually be outlawed in every state.

KAVANAUGH

(close to passing out) Abortion died? Wow. Only 45.

JERRY

If the Court ruling does become the law of the land, thousands of women in dozens of states will certainly be unable to access women’s health care. Right, Brettster? Brettster?

KAVANAUGH

(sings drunk) How dry I am, how wet I’ll be, If I don’t find, the bathroom key.

JERRY

Brett Kavanaugh everyone.

KAVANAUGH

(passed out) Burrrp!

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.