Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the White House Correspondents Dinner, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner returns

To honor former President Trump being too scared to ever show up, they served Orange Chicken as an entrée.

Wild pigs are everywhere in California

On the upside, looks like fire season and barbecue season will be one and the same.

Susan Collins says draft ruling would be inconsistent with Justices’ past comments on ‘Roe V Wade’

In fact, Collins is so mad she’s really considering wagging a finger at Kavanaugh and Gorsuch.

President Joe Biden celebrates job creation milestone

… Although, Eric Trump claims most of those jobs went to people who delivered subpoenas to members of his family.

Novak Djokovic will be allowed to play at Wimbledon this year even though he is not vaccinated against the coronavirus

No word if his opponents will be given a two or three shot advantage to start.

Kate Middleton’s favorite sneakers are on sale at Amazon

If times are that rough, can’t Prince William get himself a real job?

Busta Rhymes helped beat down Chappelle’s attacker

Dude will now be known as Busta Kneecap!

Raiders owner Mark Davis open to signing Colin Kaepernick

Even if Kaepernick signs as a free agent with the Raiders; No, Roy Moore, you still need to stay the f&*k outta malls!

Madison Cawthorn slams ‘crass’ video of him naked in bed as political ‘hit’ after nude footage leak on Twitter

Or … that Madison Cawthorn sex tape has got to be the worst ‘My Pillow’ ad ever!

‘I found it!’: Johnny Depp’s house manager described discovering the actor’s severed finger on the floor of his trashed house

… Proving sometimes getting the finger isn’t a bad thing.

Taco Bell is bringing back fan-favorite Mexican Pizza

Welp, at least, they’re doing their part to produce more gas.

Jersey man, 60, says he was trapped in dumpster for 3 days

Or, as it’s known in Manhattan, a two bedroom.

Tucker Carlson surprises no one by parroting new Russian conspiracy theory

… what’s amazing is watching Putin drink water while Tucker speaks …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)