Michael Egan

Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.

Texas Governor: Arm Schoolchildren from Kindergarten on Up

By Michael Egan, May 28, 2022

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    [post_content] => "The only way to deal with a mad teenager brandishing an AR-15," says Gov. Greg Abbott, “is another mad teenager brandishing an AR-15."
HOUSTON, TX -- Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a self-confessed Republican, said today that the answer to “lone-wolf” gun attacks on schools was for the entire  student body to arm schoolchildren. Abbott says they should be “armed to the teeth and ready to fire back just as soon as the mental-issues person is identified."

[caption id="attachment_100316" align="alignleft" width="400"] Texas Governor Greg Abbott, shortly after expressing the desire to arm schoolchildren with AR-15s.[/caption]

“Giving guns to janitors and teachers just isn’t enough,” Abbott explained at a press gaggle soon after he shamefacedly cancelled his appearance at the NRA conference in Houston.

“First off,” he said, outlining his new initiative, “a lot of those old teacher fogies don’t know their dum-dums from their bum-bums, if you get what I mean.

“And then second off, let’s face it, our kids are quicker, slicker and more familiar with guns big and small, being Texans and all. They gonna pop in and out of them shadows, hunt that shooter down in those corridors and locker rows they know so well.

“Plus, my proposal includes firing-range classes every morning after the Pledge, and afternoon drill practice for the white Christians, on a strictly voluntary basis, of course."

As the news folk gasped, Abbott sneered. “I’m not so crazy after all, am I?”

The sedentary governor noted that in addition to his administration adopting the slogan “Jesus, Guns, Babies” from Georgia, he would be imposing a “Patriot’s Tax” on families with school-going kids to pay for their guns and ammo.

“Fuck, the state's not gonna pay for it, specially as we’re gonna let 'em keep those rifles and go on to join the Klan like most of us, or maybe just follow a career in gerrymandering and vote suppression, like a normal Texas politician. If they wanna be just part-time, they can join their local Kyle Rittenhouse Street Brigade and shoot up liberal street demos on the weekend.

"They should keep January 6, 2025 open though.”

Abbott added that  that he hoped the anticipated “several hundred thousand new AR-15s” which Texas plans to purchase annually, “will finally put us ahead of California as the gun-lovingest state in this whole goddamn gun-lovingest country!”
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“The only way to deal with a mad teenager brandishing an AR-15,” says Gov. Greg Abbott, “is another mad teenager brandishing an AR-15.” HOUSTON, TX — Texas Governor … Read more

With ‘Pee Cure’ Trending, Amazon Does About Face: Selling Van Drivers’ Urine as New Covid Cure

By Michael Egan, January 15, 2022January 14, 2022

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    [post_content] => Bezos' company is now providing van drivers with at-cost water bottles, encouraging them to “piss away for extra pay!” and selling their pee as new Covid cure.

SEATTLE -- Amazon spokeswoman Anna Conda announced today that the company’s most popular new line is “freshly bottled delivery drivers’ urine,” sold as a new Covid cure for the Omicron variant. Called the Peezos Urine Cure, the micturate comes in two shades/aromas, I Gotta Go Right Now! Beige, and Whew, Thank You Jesus! Yellow.

"Everyone knows Amazon delivery guys pee in their used water bottles to save time,” Ms Conda admitted. “For a while we pretended to ban that, but then the Q demographic started drinking human pee as a Covid cure, and Mr Bezos saw another business opportunity. You could say we’re minding our P’s and Q’s, with the pees flying off the shelves and the queues getting longer every day!”

Ms Conda went on: “No joke, some drivers are turning in eight, nine bottles a day, filled to the brim with fresh pee and sealed with their original caps. No questions asked, all we have to do is label them “Not FDA Approved” and the red hats beat the doors down.”

Ms Conda agreed that selling bottled urine at $7.99 a pint looked like profiteering, but, “what's it worth cocking a snook at Tony Fauci, eh? Besides, Prime members get our new Full Bladder Em-Urgency Service -- a drop-off drone at their door within two hours of payment verification.”

Asked whether any lab tests showed that drivers’ urine actually cures Covid, Ms Conda replied that anything able to make Jeff Bezos look sexy must be miraculous.
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Bezos’ company is now providing van drivers with at-cost water bottles, encouraging them to “piss away for extra pay!” and selling their pee as new Covid cure. SEATTLE … Read more

U.S. Constitution to Receive State Funeral 4 July, Chief Justice Roberts Presiding

By Michael Egan, January 13, 2022January 12, 2022

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    [post_content] => “Sadly, it’s about time,” says Chief Justice Roberts, who will deliver the eulogy. “The thing’s been basically dead for years.”
WASHINGTON DC -- The US Constitution, finally pronounced dead after a long illness, will lie in state at the Capitol this 4 July for mourners and celebrants alike. Yellowed with age, almost illegible and curling at the edges, it will be cremated and forgotten almost immediately afterwards.

[caption id="attachment_97757" align="alignleft" width="352"] Cartoon by Michael Egan.[/caption]

“The poor thing’s become so irrelevant, that’s the problem,” said Chief Justice Roberts in an interview. “As you know, it rambles on and on about freedoms and rights that are frankly just relics from the past. No one pays any attention to them any longer.”

Justice Roberts went on: “If there was a Place for Mom for doddery old constitutions we’d put it there. The British are also wondering what to do with theirs, on its last legs and frankly not even written.

“Let’s be honest, these old fellas are just a danger to themselves and others. Young folks read them and start getting ideas, so they need to be quickly and humanely put down, like old pets. Sentimentalists like Bernie Sanders and that AOC girl want to keep them alive, but really what’s the point? Here on the court most of us just ignore old We The People and do what we want anyway.”

Roberts gestured toward the Constitution’s little wood coffin sitting on his desk. “Luckily,” he said, “ours has died a natural death, but then it would, wouldn’t it, being probed and cut about by the likes of Clarence, Neill, Brett, and Amy.

“Except the Second Amendment, of course,” he quickly added. “We’re keeping that part alive under a special provision.”
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“Sadly, it’s about time,” says Chief Justice Roberts, who will deliver the eulogy. “The thing’s been basically dead for years.” WASHINGTON DC — The US Constitution, finally pronounced … Read more

Trump Vows Revenge on Time Magazine

By Michael Egan, December 15, 2021

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    [post_content] => “It’s a disgrace, Time Magazine not choosing me 'Man of the Year' again. And Elon Musk is just a mammogram for Noel Skum!” says the former prez.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL -- Former US president Donald J Trump vowed eternal vengeance upon Time magazine for “yet again caving in to the libs” by naming fellow twit and tax-evader Elon Musk as Person of the Year 2021.

"It’s a complete disgrace,” Trump told Fox’s Ivor Mectin in an exclusive interview. “It’s the worst disgrace in the history of the universe, if not the entire cosmos.”

He went on, his orange flush deepening: “I mean, the guy has a name like a cheap perfume! Melania would wear that on a date with Justin Trudeau. Didja know Elon Musk is a mammogram for Noel Skum? Lone Kums? Enol Smuk?” he asked, taking a trembling, two-handed sip from a bottle of Fiji Water.

The former "but future" president promised that in the "first hour, nay, minute," of his first day after the GOP’s 2024 "landslide victory," he’d issue an Executive Order commanding Time to nominate him Person of the Year every year from then on.

“And don’t forget,” he added, “that could be 200 years.”

A related order would install him permanently as GQ’s "Sexiest Man Alive," and fund a blockbuster movie showcasing his “hysterical” Alec Baldwin impression as a trigger-happy idiot who shoots himself in the foot over and over.

”I just hope,” Trump wound up, “that this Olen Ksum fella doesn’t get a visit from some of my patriotic tourist friends who might want to check his nomination results.  The Teenage Ninja Turtles will also probably want to conduct a forensic audit. Mr Kmsu might just figger it's healthier to resign.

"Maybe I could end up Time's Person of the Year 2021 after all."
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“It’s a disgrace, Time Magazine not choosing me ‘Man of the Year’ again. And Elon Musk is just a mammogram for Noel Skum!” says the former prez. MAR-A-LAGO, … Read more

Peter Doocy and Jen Psaki Announce Their Engagement at White House Press Briefing

By Michael Egan, September 24, 2021

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    [post_content] => "I wanna writhe under Jen Psaki and the lash of her tongue every night,” Doocy moans excitedly. “She so puts the ‘pis’ in Psaki!"
WASHINGTON DC -- Fox News laughing-stock Peter Doocy and White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced their engagement today to a jeering crowd of fellow journalists.

Doocy’s proposal took the form of a question at the conclusion of Psaki’s daily press briefing.

“I, er um,” he mumbled, in his embarrassingly unprofessional way, staring red-faced at his notes. “And, er, um, given the, erm, circumstances, would you at least consider, you know, er um, marrying me?”

To no one’s surprise, Psaki responded with a derisive laugh and her famous withering stare.

“First of all,” she sneered, “I wouldn’t describe any long term socio-sexual relationship with you a "marriage," you pathetic little worm. At best, it would be an immediate pending divorce. So, okay for now, but maybe I’ll circle back to it later.”

“Does that mean yes?” Doocy wept. He jumped up. “Oh, Jenital,” he cried, apparently using a pet name for her, “you’ve made me the most miserable man alive!”

He fell back in his chair, eyes closed, sobbing. “Tell me I’m a worm again,” he panted, tightly clutching his red ball-point pen.

“Worm? You’re not even worth the Ivermectin!” Psaki scoffed. She added to the amazement of the jaw-dropped journalists scribbling in their notebooks: “You can print that we’re engaged but not when the marriage will be.”

Turning back to the flushed Doocy, who was cleaning up his spilled ink, she continued: “Because that will only happen after Mr Little Dick here admits Trump lost the election, that he cried for his Mommy when he got vaccinated, and that he and Tucker Carlson once shared an intimate moment in a Fox News supply closet.”

Doocy, who had fallen to the floor, convulsed in shame, tears and what appeared to be orgasmic pleasure.

“Oh, my God, Jender Bender,” he moaned, “just don’t tell them how Roger Ailes made me show him my tighty-whities in his office once.”

Psaki grinned again. “Not this time,” she said sweetly, “but maybe tomorrow. You can fondle yourself about it all night.”

The Press Secretary swept out as a shuddering Doocy was helped to the door by Fox News staff. “Oh my God,” he sobbed, “isn’t her verbal sadism just better than any Cialis?”
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“I wanna writhe under Jen Psaki and the lash of her tongue every night,” Doocy moans excitedly. “She so puts the ‘pis’ in Psaki!” WASHINGTON DC — Fox … Read more

Putin: Crimea Incursion Was ‘Normal Tourist Visit’ by Russian Travelers

By Michael Egan, May 21, 2021

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    [post_content] => Putin on "normal tourist visit": "We love Crimea and the Crimeans to death! We just wanna bear-hug them forever!”
MOSCOW -- Russian president Vladimir Putin told a press conference today that the armed Russian citizens currently occupying Eastern Crimea were on a "normal tourist visit" and are nothing but “freedom-loving tourists” just looking for a little fun.

"We non-expansionist Russkies have always kept a friendly eye on the Crimea,” Putin said, “and especially its Black Sea port of Sevastapol. Several of our tourists now harbor their submarines and cruisers there.”

He gave one of his famous friendly winks and laughed. "Imperialist running-dogs who say 3/14 was an invasion are just telling a bald-faced lie. Is a lovely day in the neighborhood. We’ve always wanted to have neighbors just like them.”

Hanging up his cardigan, Putin went on: "So a few people were killed. That’s just the circle of life. Hakuna Matata!”

Putin added that his tourists loved eastern Crimea so much they were assembling in large numbers on the border of western Crimea. "They’re eager to check out the rest of the country, especially Kiev. I hear it’s the most beautiful capitol city in Europe.

“The aerial surveillance photographs I’ve seen confirm that. I can hardly wait for my own tour, no later than 2023.”
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Putin on “normal tourist visit”: “We love Crimea and the Crimeans to death! We just wanna bear-hug them forever!” MOSCOW — Russian president Vladimir Putin told a press … Read more

Trump: Western Science is Like Slovenian Women

By Michael Egan, July 15, 2020November 23, 2022

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    [post_content] => "You never know what you’re gonna get and when you do they suddenly change their minds."
The President added: “So-called Western science tells ya one thing and then later it’s something else, and they make you wear protection. Getting a straight answer from these scientists is like negotiating with a Slovenian hooker, ya never know if you gonna get screwed or not.”

WASHINGTON DC -- President Trump today launched a scathing attack on “so-called Western science,” which he described as “nasty and changeable as a Slovenian Woman when she’s, ya know, moody. One minute it’s Yes, yes, whatever, and the next it’s Buzz off, you fat, orange slob, I just can’t do this anymore.”

Trump said that Slovenians apart, a good recent example was “Tiny Tony Fauci,” who once told him that cruise ships might be okay but then look at what happened! One of his biggest mistakes!

“Suddenly he starts screaming, ‘Hey, I was wrong! Don’t go on cruise ships!’ destroying the whole fucking industry. Call that science? I call it treason! Lock him up!”

Trump went on: “In fact, the extremely reverend Franklin Graham, son of St Billy, said just the other day that Tiny Tony must be wrong because ‘Science isn’t truth, God is’ (22 June 2020).

“I knew that, of course, after reading Second Dueteromney,” Trump continued, noting that the whole problem was western so-called science itself, “a deep-state Liberal agenda radical ideology invented just to stop me getting re-elected.”

He shook his pudgy forefinger. “Scientists pretend they can never make up their minds, but all they really want is money, power and sex.  I can respect that, but then they’re also like those damn Slovenian Women, yes, no, maybe, we need to revisit our prenup arrangement and what about my kid? Ha! Over my dead body!”

Frothing slightly, Trump went on: “Not a lot of people know this, but actual scientists like Copper Knickers and Gallie Leo used to believe that the sun goes around the earth, which it obviously does. I mean just look up at the sky, folks. In the morning it’s there, on the left-hand side, and in the evening it’s on the right. So like Gallie Leo said, It moves! Hey, I'm no ignoranus! He took a sip from a glass of water with two trembling hands.

“But them stupid scientists, suddenly it’s, ‘Oh no, the earth actually goes around the sun! It just looks like the other way around! Well, I’d like to know where the sun goes at night then, when it’s all dark? I mean if we go around it, shouldn’t it just be there all the time, but isn’t?

"I intend to issue an executive order silencing scientists who claim that the earth goes around the sun. They can just shut up along with the evolutionists, Tiny Tony, and the CDC."

Trump wound up: “All I can say is I’m glad we have true Christian patriots like the son of St Billy and Jerry Farewell Jr to lead us in prayer, because by God we’re gonna need it!”
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“You never know what you’re gonna get and when you do they suddenly change their minds.” The President added: “So-called Western science tells ya one thing and then … Read more

Mike Pence Plans Gigantic National Exorcism to Combat Coronavirus

By Michael Egan, March 1, 2020March 1, 2020

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    [post_content] => The VP, in charge of the U.S. response to the outbreak, says "Coronavirus" is just a "fancy liberal word for demonic possession," plans national exorcism "as soon as we can get enough pigs together."
Evangelical Pastors quickly line up in support: Rev. Franklin Graham says driving out the virus demons with an exorcism "will be a Trump miracle indeed!" while Jim Bakker's Ministries offer $45.00 strips of "Jesus Bacon" guaranteed to protect buyers from all demon viruses. foreign and domestic. Paula White, Trump's Spiritual Advisor, simply demands that everyone sends her all their money.

[caption id="attachment_82666" align="alignleft" width="400"] Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.[/caption]

WASHINGTON DC – Vice-President Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s Coronavirus Czar, said today that “in practice, there is no difference between a virus and a demon. It’s just a matter of terminology."

He added: “You can play around with words if you like, but so far as I’m concerned, Coronovirus is just a fake-news liberal term for Demonic Possession. The Holy Bible tells us how to deal with that. The so-called scientists can just shut up.”

Pence said that his Holy Plan to defend America included “a gigantic national exorcism” set for the early spring. “In one mighty stroke," he said, "all the Coronavirus Demons will be driven into a troop of squealing pigs just like Jesus did with the Gadarene Swine. Of course, this time I’ll be the Jesus." The ritual would take place on the shore so that the possessed porkers would have a sea to rush into.

Evangelical Pastor Jim Bakker was among the first Men of God to welcome the Vice President’s initiative. He said that in support his Holy Ministry would be offering worshipers  commemorative strips of  “high-quality Canadian Jesus Bacon” for only $45.00 each, $89.50 for two. After a “communion-like ingestion,” purchasers would be inundated with “tons of money” and “granted life-long immunity from all Demonic Viruses, foreign and domestic. Postage and handling not included."

The Reverend Franklin ("Please don't call me Billy") Graham noted that driving out of the Coronavirus demons would be a “spine-tingling” fulfillment of the President's "amazing" prediction that the Demons would eventually “miraculously disappear."  Franklin said he believed  their evaporation would become known as Trump’s Third Miracle, after his amazing survival of the Mueller Report and the failed impeachment effort.
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The VP, in charge of the U.S. response to the outbreak, says “Coronavirus” is just a “fancy liberal word for demonic possession,” plans national exorcism “as soon as … Read more

Trump Orders Movie Version of ‘Unreadable’ Constitution

By Michael Egan, January 18, 2020November 23, 2022

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    [post_content] => "It’s a disgrace that people are still expected to read this deep-state argy-bargy,” the President said, quoting Justice Scalia. “It’s time for a sexy movie version that real Americans can watch on Saturday nights after a long round of golf and your wife won’t let you grab her by the pussy."
WASHINGTON DC — President Trump said today that the  US Constitution is “unreadable, like it’s written in a foreign language.” He added: “Donald J Trump is calling for a movie version of the U.S. Constitution until we can figure out what the hell is going on!”

“All those ‘thuses’ and ‘wherefores’ and ‘whatsoevers,’” he grumbled. “I mean, who has the time to keep looking up them fancy legal words? I’ve said a lot of words, probably more than any other president, especially Obama, but I’m too busy protecting things, okay?”

The President insisted that what America and the world really needs is a sexy movie version of the Constitution “with lots of jokes and action so viewers don’t get bored. I’m especially looking forward to the Second Amendment scene, bang, bang you’re dead on Fifth Avenue, ha! ha!”

Trump noted that the movie he envisioned would of course have no impeachment clause—“Impeachment! There’s another liberal hack  word!”—and an “expanded” version of Article II, showing clearly how it does indeed allow any Republican president to do whatever he wants.

“Rupert (Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News) has already promised me multiple prime-time showings before, during and after this sham so-called impeachment trial,” Mr Trump said.

“And then. after my acquittal, it will be shown daily, all the way through the election and into January 2021. That way the American people will finally understand what Jesus and our great Constitution  have ultimately given unto us: Moi, Don Jr and Ivanka — the Father, the Son and... well, I’ve gotta have some fun too, haven’t I?”
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“It’s a disgrace that people are still expected to read this deep-state argy-bargy,” the President said, quoting Justice Scalia. “It’s time for a sexy movie version that real … Read more

Businessman Trump: Putin Paying $1 Billion to Bomb Ukraine

By Michael Egan, January 15, 2020

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    [post_content] => “If our military is good enough for Saudi Arabia, it’s good enough for Russia,” the President said. “After all, a billion bucks to bomb Ukraine is a billion bucks, minus my Finder’s Fee, of course.”
WASHINGTON DC -- Donald Trump announced today that Russian president Vladimir Putin has paid the United States over 60 billion rubles, or one billion dollars American, to bomb Ukraine. Most of the money, he noted, will go towards building his “great wall” between the US and Mexico.

“Listen, a gig’s a gig,” Trump explained to a gaggle of reporters on the White House lawn, “and 60 billion rubles is 60 billion rubles, even at current exchange rates! We have the finest military in the world, thanks to our taxpayers, and at the moment, most of it is just lying there useless and idle, apart from in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, northern Africa, western Europe, south-east Asia and Venezuela. Oops, scratch that last one, I never said that. Fake news!"

The President stressed that most of Russia’s money will go towards building America’s wall on its southern border, “now that the Democrats and Mexico have welched on their agreements to pay for it. Lock them all up!”

Trump revealed that he was approached by Putin soon after announcing that the US had hired out its “unused troops and tanks” to Saudi Arabia for “our standard going fee, a billion dollars plus tax."

He went on: “It’s a disgrace that we still have thousands of military spares, including tough guys, bombs and planes, that are not killing people or blowing things up. Frankly, they’re just costing us money so why not hire them out to the highest bidder? That’s one of the ways you run a country like a business, believe me.”

Responding to a question, the President said that Putin’s payment was “currently in a bank in the Caymans or maybe Panama,” which he refused to name because of “national security concerns.” He noted that he himself would “of course” be deducting a “modest but perfectly normal, ethical and appropriate finder’s fee,” though he declined to say how much because of “executive privilege.”

As he boarded Marine One Trump shouted: “But tell Zelensky that if he suddenly finds something on Biden or maybe Sanders I’ll call off the bombing. Some things are more important than money, you know!”
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“If our military is good enough for Saudi Arabia, it’s good enough for Russia,” the President said. “After all, a billion bucks to bomb Ukraine is a billion … Read more