Doctors Recommend 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

Doctors Recommend 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’
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    [ID] => 31785
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2015-01-21 10:20:41
    [post_date_gmt] => 2015-01-21 18:20:41
    [post_content] => 

"A selfie can make you feel like you're somebody" - Dr. Sal Fee

Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV?

doctors recommend 3 selfies a dayYou might have a classic case of what doctors call "failed existence syndrome." And although it's true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece.

"A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?" Dr. Sal Fee posed rhetorically. "Everyday people like you and I could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least have a sliver of their happiness. That's the beauty of social media."

A leading psychiatrist and forerunner in this newly growing field, Dr. Sal Fee, has just released his new book entitled The Selfie-Worth Guide: "How to go from zero to pretty good in no time."

"These perfect little snapshots are like small deposits into what I call 'the bank of self-worth,'" Dr. Fee revealed. "If a person is a real goose egg, sorry, zero when it comes to life then all they have to do is join social media and, within hours, can increase their personal value exponentially.

"And that's something solid too -- something they can trust. I mean, why rely on feelings, which are fickle anyway, when you can rely on something that will be there forever -- like Facebook?"

"I've tried all of the self-help books that are out there," said one previously worthless individual. "Who knew that selfie-help was what I actually needed? And the results are amazing! I'm up to seven selfies a day and I feel like a million bucks! Sorry, doctor, I mean I feel like 455 selfies."

We talked to another former walking disaster and he was just as surprised with the results. "People told me my whole life that I was a waste of space," he offered. "But it wasn't until I realized I was one that I began to have hope. Thanks Dr. F!" [post_title] => Doctors Recommend 3 Selfies a Day to Combat 'Failed Existence Syndrome' [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => doctors-3-selfies-day [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 20:09:29 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 03:09:29 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=31785 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Fee Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone … Read more

Bush Authorizes Renewed Air Strikes in Iraq

Bush Authorizes Renewed Air Strikes in Iraq
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    [ID] => 27815
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-08-09 15:49:36
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-08-09 22:49:36
    [post_content] => 

Order for renewed air strikes in Iraq comes from the top

President Bush, in the face of bi-partisan opposition, has again authorized the use of air strikes in Iraq, entrenching the U.S. even further into a political and military quagmire that has spanned multiple administrations. Renewed air strikes in IraqAfter deploying more troops last month to aid the Iraqi government, insurgents -- apparently unaware of America's expressed wishes to not get drawn into further conflict -- have begun to fire all willy nilly at anyone and everyone in the other direction. This, of course, has put U.S. troops in real danger and has thus necessitated the use of greater firepower. Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki has confirmed the danger and issued a formal request for the American government to push back the Sunni insurgency and keep them from overtaking key positions, such as oil refineries. And though the president has made promises to the American public to draw back and, eventually, remove American forces from the region entirely, the president has once again agreed to more military support and air strikes. A few brave voices on the hill have offered their concerns and raised reasonable questions such as, "How long will this war go on?" and "How long has Bush been in power now?" Much to the chagrin of regular journalists everywhere, the conservative right-wing media, for some reason, has yet to fully cover the story or challenge the president on his decision. Typical. [post_title] => Bush Authorizes Renewed Air Strikes in Iraq [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => bush-authorizes-renewed-air-strikes [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:49:32 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:49:32 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=27815 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Order for renewed air strikes in Iraq comes from the top President Bush, in the face of bi-partisan opposition, has again authorized the use of air strikes in … Read more

10 Step Guide: How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

10 Step Guide: How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People
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    [ID] => 27322
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-07-18 22:50:43
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-07-19 05:50:43
    [post_content] => 

Keeping and impressing your friends on Facebook is a real art: Here's how to do it.

1. Send gaming invites every day.  This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends.  Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. facebook friends2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven't changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow and cat posters. "Today is better than yesterday because you're in it." 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow and cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary -- no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period -- you know, when they're not funny anymore.  Because when they're finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the curve. 8. Instead of "liking" things, always write the word "like" in the comment box, even when people post things like "My grandma died" or "I had the worst day of my life." Don't worry, people will understand because it's your thing. 9. Tag all 500 of your friends in every post just in case they missed your update in the news feed. 10. Every few days, unfriend someone and then immediately ask them to be friends again. Do this a few times to see if they're really your friend or not. Ed Note: The most surefire way to impress your friends? Share this post on Facebook! [post_title] => 10 Step Guide: How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => win-facebook-friends-virtual-people [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2021-09-30 23:04:17 [post_modified_gmt] => 2021-10-01 06:04:17 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=27322 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Keeping and impressing your friends on Facebook is a real art: Here’s how to do it. 1. Send gaming invites every day.  This is probably the most crucial … Read more

Americans Confused: Germany Scored One Touchdown to Beat Brazil, 7-1?

Americans Confused: Germany Scored One Touchdown to Beat Brazil, 7-1?
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    [ID] => 27095
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-07-15 09:37:02
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-07-15 16:37:02
    [post_content] => 

Germany won the football game, but how did Brazil score their extra point?

The American public was shocked yesterday to hear that Germany's football team successfully defeated host nation Brazil by only scoring a single touchdown the entire game. [caption id="attachment_27100" align="alignleft" width="456"]germany, world cup German player celebrates touchdown.[/caption] According to FIFA, no one has ever lost by that margin in the history of the Cup. "They must have really strong defenses," a man at a local sports bar offered.  "Kinda like watching the Saints and Panthers, I guess." Also worthy of note, this was the first time another team has been awarded an extra point without actually scoring a touchdown. However, FIFA officials are looking into the matter to see why the refs didn't award Brazil a field goal. "We were just as confused as anyone," reported the sideline referee.  "Brazil came up to us saying they had scored but they hadn't.  They went ahead and set up for a kick and so we compromised and gave them a point." Needless to say, it was one of the strangest football matches ever. A fraternity member at a local university had this to say: "My friend (from Germany) came running out of the dorm screaming and hollering 'We killed 'em!  We killed 'em!' and so I thought it must have been a blow out--like if Alabama had played Navy or something--but then I saw the score and was really confused.  World football is weird." [post_title] => Americans Confused: Germany Scored One Touchdown to Beat Brazil, 7-1? [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => germany-scored-touchdown-against-brazil [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-11-15 19:55:51 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-11-16 03:55:51 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=27095 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Germany won the football game, but how did Brazil score their extra point? The American public was shocked yesterday to hear that Germany’s football team successfully defeated host … Read more

The Statue of Liberty’s First Message: “My Arm’s Tired”

The Statue of Liberty’s First Message: “My Arm’s Tired”
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 26969
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-07-06 00:59:54
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-07-06 07:59:54
    [post_content] => 

Statue of Liberty breaks long silence

After more than a century of silence, the Statue of Liberty has finally spoken.  Yesterday evening, as the last few tourists ambled around her viewing platforms, she shocked the U.S. and the rest of the world when she revealed her ability to communicate. Statue of LibertyThe young girl who spoke to her, however, wasn't surprised at all. Maria Gonzalez, daughter of two Cuban immigrants who came to America in search of a better life, said she had always wanted to see the iconic statue because of all that she had meant to her parents. And from the moment she arrived in New York harbor, she struck up a conversation with her favorite lady, asking her about her likes and hobbies and if she ever had a boyfriend. It was when she asked her how she was doing, that she actually replied. "Maria was simply too cute to not say anything," Lady Liberty said. "And she and her family are exactly who I want to feel welcome here." Later on, when members of the press came, they followed up on why her arm was so tired. "You try holding this lamp up for over a hundred years," she said to Fox News. "Besides, with all of your new immigration laws, is it even worth it anymore?" "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door." -- Emma Lazarus [post_title] => The Statue of Liberty's First Message: "My Arm's Tired" [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => statue-of-liberty-arm-is-tired [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:25:44 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:25:44 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26969 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Statue of Liberty breaks long silence After more than a century of silence, the Statue of Liberty has finally spoken.  Yesterday evening, as the last few tourists ambled … Read more

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Due to Math Skills Prerequisite

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Due to Math Skills Prerequisite
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    [ID] => 26848
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-06-28 10:47:37
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-06-28 17:47:37
    [post_content] => 

Figuring out who advances just too much for many World Cup fans

Every four years, the World Cup fan base gets smaller and smaller.  The reason: mathematics. FIFA estimates that millions of fans from various countries and demographics, most of which carry degrees in the humanities, have completely given up on following their national team because it's hurting their brain. World Cup FansWorking out what each team needs to accomplish in order to make one of the top two slots in their group requires more than what many fans have bargained for: basic algebra skills and the ability to foresee and compute countless scenarios. Basically, too much. If you follow a team like Germany or the Netherlands -- who will win all or most of their group stage games -- you have little to worry about and can have a relaxing, enjoyable World Cup experience.  If you're a fan of a team like America, however, you are in for a rude awakening. One U.S. fan opened up to us about her experience -- one that is all too common. "As a new follower of the sport I got totally immersed in USMNT fever.  The friendlies.  Altidore's goals.  And then our win against Ghana!  I thought, 'This is a piece of cake. We win some, tie some maybe, and we're golden.'  But then I started hearing strange things like 'goal differential' and 'goal average' and even 'calculating scenarios' for God's sake.  So, yeah, I wish them all the best," she said. If you read the fine print in FIFA's contractual agreements for "hard core" fans you'll notice a subtle warning that alludes to the numerical black hole one can get sucked in if one is not careful. Here is a shocking, unfortunate example: [caption id="attachment_26850" align="alignnone" width="480"]World Cup math World Cup fan calculates his teams chances to advance.[/caption] [post_title] => World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Due to Math Skills Prerequisite [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => world-cup-fans-need-math-skills [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:25:18 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:25:18 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26848 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Figuring out who advances just too much for many World Cup fans Every four years, the World Cup fan base gets smaller and smaller.  The reason: mathematics. FIFA … Read more

American Tourist in Italy Excited to Visit the ‘Sixteenth Chapel’

American Tourist in Italy Excited to Visit the ‘Sixteenth Chapel’
WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 26465
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-06-22 13:52:18
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-06-22 20:52:18
    [post_content] => 

Seeking to broaden his horizons, an American tourist visits Italy

American tourist and college grad, Richard Head, recently decided it was time to get some culture in his life. Or, in his words, 16th century porn. American Tourist, sistine chapelAfter "learning" about the paintings that ornamented the lavish walls of the Vatican's famous "Sixteenth Chapel," he logically assumed that this was how all Italians lived and dressed, and so, of course, he wanted to see it for himself. However, he hesitated for a brief moment because he thought it a bit strange that so much nudity would be found in chapels of all places. But he didn't hesitate for long because so much culture awaited. Upon arriving in the Fiumicino airport, he hurriedly made his way through the tarmac and into the waiting area, fully expecting a cornucopia of lounging flesh similar to what one might find on Mount Olympus. The disappointment on his face was evident. However, he quickly recovered and encouraged himself with the knowledge that they probably wouldn't want to freak people out too much right off the bat, so the airport couldn't have been a good indicator of the rest of the country. But, as he exited and made his way to the cabs, he began to wonder if he had made a huge mistake. "Do you know where I can find the Sixteenth Chapel?" he queried one taxi driver.  "And the other fifteen too if you have time." "Idiota Americano, si?" the driver asked in return. "No, I don't want a coffee.  Take me to see the good stuff." "Per l'amor di Dio!" exclaimed the driver in frustration as he got in his taxi and drove away. [post_title] => American Tourist in Italy Excited to Visit the 'Sixteenth Chapel' [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => american-tourist-visits-sixteenth-chapel [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:24:57 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:24:57 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26465 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Seeking to broaden his horizons, an American tourist visits Italy American tourist and college grad, Richard Head, recently decided it was time to get some culture in his … Read more

Milk Stamp Boycott Highlights Extreme Lactose Intolerance

Milk Stamp Boycott Highlights Extreme Lactose Intolerance
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    [ID] => 26213
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-06-06 16:09:43
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-06-06 23:09:43
    [post_content] => Milk Stamp Boycott

Lactophobia revealed by Milk stamp boycott

On May 22nd, the White House posthumously commemorated a new stamp in honor of Harvey Milk, the first member of the lactose community to openly drink milk as an adult politician. Immediately after its release, the American Family Association -- a group identified as "lactose intolerant" -- announced a Milk stamp boycott and encouraged all of their members to do the same. They also encourage people not to even open any mail bearing the stamp. "To disagree with drinking milk as an adult is one thing," Postmaster General Richard Donahoe said upon hearing of the boycott. "But to object to all things dairy? That's a bit much." A recent poll indicates that, though an increasing number of people are treating all drinks the same now, there are still quite a few who judge drinks, rank them according to goodness, and deem a few in particular completely unacceptable (even though a number of the drinks they've labelled as 'good' actually lack the beneficial ingredients they claim to have). Debate still rages as to whether or not a person is born lactose intolerant or if they choose to hate milk because of exposure or bad experiences when they were young. "It's tough to say definitively," offered milk scientist Jenn Ralmills.  "I've seen children show aversion to milk very early on without any encouragement whatsoever.  But I've also known countless identical twins (children who came from the same sperm and egg and thus share the same DNA) who end up on two different paths -- one child is a milk-drinker but the other starts out with a slight aversion to it and then eventually becomes lactose intolerant." When asked about her own personal opinion, she balked. "As a scientist, that's as far as I'll go.  But as a human being, I will say this: I used to be lactose intolerant when I was younger, but now I find that no drink is perfect, and that every drink is much, much more than the labels we put on them." [post_title] => Milk Stamp Boycott Highlights Extreme Lactose Intolerance [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => milk-stamp-boycott-extreme-lactose-intolerance [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2017-10-11 16:03:44 [post_modified_gmt] => 2017-10-11 23:03:44 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26213 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Lactophobia revealed by Milk stamp boycott On May 22nd, the White House posthumously commemorated a new stamp in honor of Harvey Milk, the first member of the lactose … Read more

Kanzi, World’s Smartest Ape, Still Not Making Headway on Whole Poo Eating Thing

Kanzi, World’s Smartest Ape, Still Not Making Headway on Whole Poo Eating Thing
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    [ID] => 26052
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-05-29 16:33:41
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-05-29 23:33:41
    [post_content] => 

Most apes, like Kanzi, have what to us are very strange cravings

Kanzi, the world's most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo.

This very special bonobo ape lives in Des Moines, Iowa under the watchful care of scientists with the Great Ape Trust, where he spends his days making fires, communicating through computerized pictograms, and, now and again, snacking on choice dumps.

kanziThough trained by intelligent, higher-order mammals, the things this chimp has learned is nothing short of astonishing.

Kanzi is the brother to another special ape Panbanisha, who died in 2012 of symptoms related to a cold -- possibly due to poor care from the woman who used to train them, Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh.  Though she was later reinstated because of her uncanny connection with the animal kingdom -- from hearing the first puppy speak English to being able to listen to the thoughts of turtles -- she eventually left the center and moved to New Jersey.

"Kanzi has a working vocabulary of over one thousand words," Dr. Savage-Rumbaugh boasted joyfully.  "He had even learned to string simple sentences together (some of which were very imaginative)."

"I remember his very first sentence," she went on nostalgically.  "He came over to the lexigram board around lunch time and pointed at 'eat,' as he normal does, but then he pointed at 'poop' immediately afterwards.  Of course, he's not able to use conjunctions and articles but I knew he was saying he wanted to eat lunch first and then use the restroom.  What a gentleman he was!"

"Although, for some reason he didn't want the banana we tried to give him."

[post_title] => Kanzi, World's Smartest Ape, Still Not Making Headway on Whole Poo Eating Thing [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => kanzi-smartest-ape-eats-poo [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:24:04 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:24:04 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26052 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Most apes, like Kanzi, have what to us are very strange cravings Kanzi, the world’s most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo. This very … Read more

Amazing Race to Release ‘Sad Sack Race’ for the Rest of Us

Amazing Race to Release ‘Sad Sack Race’ for the Rest of Us
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    [ID] => 25796
    [post_author] => 1219
    [post_date] => 2014-05-25 16:36:21
    [post_date_gmt] => 2014-05-25 23:36:21
    [post_content] => 

Amazing Race for the un-amazing

The CBS finale of Amazing Race All-Stars 2014 did not disappoint, and the world once again was able to live vicariously through beautiful, (mostly) young, well-toned human beings. Amazing Race to Release 'Sad Sack Race'However, after going back and reviewing the millions and millions of video submissions from normal, everyday Americans, the producers of the hit show felt that they weren't accurately reflecting their fan base and were only contributing to the expanding disconnect between reality and reality TV. "Take this one for instance," host and producer Phil Keoghan offered.  "This guy's in his mid to late thirties, probably majored in literature or something, can't climb an actual staircase much less a corporate one, and so he has to try and win money on reality TV competitions.  It's sad, really.  But hey, that was the whole idea behind Sad Sacks 2015 -- it will be like turning your television into a mirror." According to the designers of the race, the challenges, detours, pit stops, and overall difficulty level will be adjusted according to the competitors' ability.  Furthermore, the trips themselves will be adjusted to meet their level of ethnocentrism (which will probably be high). For example, instead of making them travel from Paris, France to Athens, Greece they will only have to travel from Paris, Texas to Athens, Georgia. Local Sad Sack hopeful and longtime Amazing Race fan, Jay Elbee, was asked if he took offense to the new show's title. "Hey, I don't care if they take a dump in a sack and make me carry it around the whole time, it wouldn't matter after getting the money." To which Phil replied, "You know, I think that is one of the detours." [post_title] => Amazing Race to Release 'Sad Sack Race' for the Rest of Us [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => amazing-race-for-rest-of-us [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:23:55 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:23:55 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=25796 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Amazing Race for the un-amazing The CBS finale of Amazing Race All-Stars 2014 did not disappoint, and the world once again was able to live vicariously through beautiful, … Read more

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