John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a
potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.
The new Pokémon Go smart phone app is jeopardizing one of the year's biggest events -- the Olympic Games.
Unless you have been in a coma for the last few weeks, you're probably well aware of the new craze that's sweeping the world: Pokémon Go.
[caption id="attachment_56962" align="alignleft" width="400"] Pokémon Go monsters have already been spotted at Rio Olympic sports venues.[/caption]
Pikachu and his pesky pals aren't just blowing up your Facebook and Twitter feeds, the bastards have even tricked everyone into exercising more, and it's no mean feat to get an average American up off his butt and outside running.
But now the app is jeopardizing one of the year's biggest events -- the Olympic Games.
Besides the threat of Pokémon Go monsters showing up at Rio Olympic sports venues and interrupting the action -- not to mention monopolizing the fans' attention as they try to capture them -- athletes, too, are occupied with the craze, and opting out of the competition.
The sport of golf has waited over a century to get back into the Olympics, but the highly-anticipated return my be jeopardized. The top four golfers in the world have decided they'll wait a bit longer to compete in the Games.
Related story: the Zika virus itself plans to compete in the Olympics, and threatens to "destroy the competition."
Jordan Spieth is the latest big name to pull out, with the superstar delivering the final blow on Monday morning.
After the International Golf Federation asked why he would not be going to Rio next month, Spieth said that he had new, unforeseen commitments. When asked if this was a polite way of saying he was consumed by "Pokémon Go," the American looked up briefly from his app and replied "yes."
Jason Day, Dustin Johnson and Rory McIlroy previously withdrew, initially blaming the Zika virus, but later citing their obsession with "Pokémon Go." Day and Johnson have said they plan on devoting theirs summer to the app, while McIlroy, who recently got engaged, said he would try his best to balance wedding preparations with his new obsession.
Based on Monday's world rankings, eighteen eligible men have withdrawn from the Olympics -- thirteen because of Pokémon.
The women, on the other hand, only had one player withdraw because of the app. Lee Anne Pace of South Africa has moved to Hawaii to roam the beaches and chase Squirtle, according to her agent.
''There is no doubt that Pokémon has devastated the world of golf, and we must accept that fact,'' said Carlos Arthur Nuzman, the chairman of the Brazilian Olympic Committee. ''But we do understand why these individual decisions have been taken. Initially, I abhorred the idea of Pokémon, however, after downloading the app this morning, I've changed my mind. I caught that feisty little bastard called Pidgey after five minutes."
Golf pulled many a string to get back into the Olympics, and Spieth, up until very recently, was among the most ardent of supporters. But, ultimately, according to the man himself, "God works in mysterious ways, and I know he wants me to pursue my dream. Golf can wait."
[post_title] => Olympics Dealt a Blow by Pokémon Go
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The new Pokémon Go smart phone app is jeopardizing one of the year’s biggest events — the Olympic Games. Unless you have been in a coma for the … Read more
New screed by Nostradamus discovered: warns of a dystopia governed by "The Orange One."
Nostradamus, the French apothecary, break-dancer and unicyclist, published erotic novels and collections of prophecies that are known around the world. Multi-talented, not only was Nostradamus a diviner, he was a ventriloquist and a keen basketball player, and it is common knowledge that he wrote at least two books on perfecting the art of the 3-point shot. However, he is best known for his book, Les Propheties for Dummies.
Nostradamus has attracted a cult following that credits him with predicting many major world events, everything from the war in Iraq to the demise of Bill Cosby. Although most academic sources maintain that the associations made between world events and Nostradamus's predictions are largely the result of misinterpretations, the latest discovery cannot simply be called a 'fluke.'
French historians, early on Tuesday morning, discovered a short story that they believe Nostradamus wrote just before his death, and the way it describes the future is extremely chilling, especially if you happen to be an American.
In true Nostradamus style, the story is filled with profanity and ominous warnings. With many Bernie supporters exterminated or cocooned in an experimental hibernation machine, the world is now populated and run by complete morons. Fornicating like feral rabbits, the stupid people are encouraged by the master to have anywhere between twelve to seventeen children. The result? A grotesque, overcrowded, corporate-controlled society. The knuckle-draggers are limited to repetitive phrases like, "white man good" and "great man in big house is greatest."
The master has taken over control of the Food and Drug Administration, replacing the entire Food Guide Pyramid with ads peddling a very specific brand of wine, steaks, and, of course, idiotic rhetoric. Water is no longer consumed, replaced instead by an orangey looking Kool-Aid. All advertisements, under the strictest of laws, use the same spelling found on social media and gaming sites. As a result, the world is drowning in a pool of low-functioning intelligence.
Here, thanks to inside sources, we have the most shocking extracts available for your eyes only: "The year was 2018, and everybody was under the rule of The Orange One. He was the master, the supreme leader. The minions, well, some were more equal than others. In the eyes of The Orange One, those squinty, evil eyes, the stupid people were "the greatest." Many of "the greatest," somewhat perplexingly, held the most powerful positions in government.
Now that a huge wall had been built, and more people appeared to be mentally handicapped, the world was a terrifying place. The education system was a mess, with only one university in existence: Trump University. Everyone, much to the dismay of the few intellectuals still functioning, had no option but to enroll -- it was the law. A huge transmitter was built in the capital, and every thirty seconds or so, the transmitter would send out sharp signals to keep people from utilizing their brainpower, or what little remained of it.
Watching television became a tedious, painful pastime. The Orange One advertised his products 24 hours a day, seven days a week: hotels, hair care products, champagne, the propaganda was as shameless as it was prevalent. There were tears on the cheeks of the people, but they were so stupid they'd forgotten what they were crying about.
Television programs were often interrupted by the "greatest" news bulletins. As many of these bulletins made no sense, it wasn't clear why exactly they were called "the greatest." The announcer, like all announcers, was a Trump University graduate. He had a serious speech impediment. No women were allowed to appear on television. They were fitted with ankle bracelets and were rarely allowed to leave the kitchen. For about four to five minutes, and in a state of obvious discomfort, the announcer tried to blurt out the words "Muslims bad, 'Merica good."
He finally gave up and handed the bulletin to The Orange One to read.
"Don't worry," the Master said to the announcer, "you tried. You're poorly educated. I love the poorly educated."
Professor Crème Brûlé, a leading historian at Paris-Sorbonne University, had this to say: "Nostradamus has been credited with predicting numerous events in world history -- The Great Fire of London, the rise of Conor McGregor, even the winner of Super Bowl 50. People should sit up and take notice. Voting Trump into office will bring nothing but anarchy and chaos."
[post_title] => Nostradamus on 'Dystopia Trump': Bleak Future Predicted
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New screed by Nostradamus discovered: warns of a dystopia governed by “The Orange One.” Nostradamus, the French apothecary, break-dancer and unicyclist, published erotic novels and collections of prophecies … Read more
If egomaniac The Donald can do it, why not egomaniac The Kanye?
"Let's not forget that the Terminator once managed the eighth largest economy in the world, so why can't I, a musician, entrepreneur and demigod, be the one to win back the title of the world's largest economy from China? Why can't I be the man who has the authority to send troops into combat? Why can't I be the one to make the final decision on the use of nuclear weapons?" Strong words from Kanye West, and it's difficult to argue with such potent logic.
After hearing that West intends to contest the 2020 race for the White House, President Obama tweeted, "Imagine Kanye negotiating with Iran, #hilarious." Relations between the rapper and Obama have not been good for quite some time. In 2009, after West behaved atrociously at the MTV Video Music Awards, President Obama called the entertainer a "jackass." According to CNN, Vice President Biden later phoned Kanye and said, "Don't worry about it, buddy, you kinda grow to accept ridicule after a while!"
Then, on the 16th of June 2013, not long after Kanye became a father, Obama tweeted, "Kim Kardashian giving birth to North West, guess that makes her vagina the Northwest Passage," although the 44th and current President of the United States vehemently denied posting the comment, claiming his account was hacked.
A confident individual, West proved this by naming himself as his presidential running mate. The rapper has never been one to shy away from voicing his political opinions, either. A decade ago, unforgettably, West said George W Bush, the president at the time, did not “care about black people.”
Bush responded in a rapid manner, calling Kanye a liar, although, in true Bush fashion, he managed to get West's name wrong, “Excuse me, Jay-Z, I do care about black people. My ringtone is the Shaft theme tune, for crying out loud. Myself and Condoleezza (Rice) do yoga together twice a week. You're wrong, Mr. Carter. You have 99 problems, and separating fact from fiction is certainly one of them."
At 38 years of age, finally, West seems to have matured, and his gesture to take 20 Syrian refugees into his home proves this. After being asked if he was willing to help some of the people crying out for shelter, the artist replied, "Sure, I'll help out, I'll take a few in, let's say 20 to start with. I've got a big ass garage, they can sleep there."
If that's not enough, Kanye and the refugees will star in a brand new reality show. The new show, stupidly named The Middle East meets Mr. West, will reportedly deal with the refugees' transition to life under Kim and Kanye's roof. The show has been scheduled for a December 8th air date by E!, with eight hour-long episodes detailing the emotional journey.
It was previously claimed by Hollywood Life that the show would be called Keeping Up with the Syrians, however, the management at E! thought it lacked class.
Many naysayers agree that the whole Syrian aid gesture is a shrewd move by West, one cleverly designed to portray him as an empathetic human with a heart, and it seems to be a very effective strategy. In the words of Anderson Cooper, "If Donald Trump can throw his hat -- and hair -- in the ring for the biggest job in the world, then what's wrong with West following suit? According to close friends of the singer, West is pro drug law reform, and this is something many millennials will respond favorably to. Considering Kanye was, and I quote, 'high as a motherf**king kite' when he announced his candidature, who is better equipped to put an end to the biggest abject failure imaginable, otherwise known as the war on drugs?"
West, shortly after announcing his candidacy, painted quite a picture when he said the following at the MTV Video Music Awards: "Close your eyes, people. It's the year 2020, Donald Trump has been president for four painful years. He has declared war on pretty much everyone, China no longer exists, his hair is still crazy. All the money that should've been spent on education and healthcare has been pumped into building a giant wall separating the US from Mexico. Furthermore, the wall is pointless. Any Mexicans that are coming to our country are coming by plane. Basically, folks, it's a real shit storm. Out of the ashes comes yours truly, Kanye West, the messiah, America's savior."
When asked by host Miley Cyrus if he had the mental maturity to handle such enormous pressure, West replied, "Look, dawg, I have gone 24 days without interrupting anyone, I think a stat like that speaks for itself."
[post_title] => Kanye for President! No, Seriously.
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If egomaniac The Donald can do it, why not egomaniac The Kanye? “Let’s not forget that the Terminator once managed the eighth largest economy in the world, so … Read more
Fight Club: but not the way Chuck Palahniuk envisaged it
Obviously bored with their mundane lives, staff at a day care decided to inject a little excitement into their job -- by starting their very own "Fight Club."
On Thursday, shortly after two workers were charged with child abuse, Erica Kenny, one of the innovative culprits involved, had this to say: "The rules of Fight Club vary around the world. The first rule of African Tribe Fight Club is to not to make a song and dance about the society, and that's pretty difficult for people who literally sing and dance every single day. The first rule of Philosopher's Fight Club is the realization that we on earth exist as both the fight and the club. The first rule of Children's Fight Club, our now defunct club, is not to tell your mom, and obviously one member broke this rule. The little shit!"
The Lightbridge Academy center in Cranford, New Jersey, where the sadistic brawling occurred, released a statement that read: "Although we were shocked and saddened by this isolated incident, the standard of fighting was very impressive. Children as young as three showing such exceptional cardio reserves, how can one not be impressed?"
Center officials say both the aforementioned Kenny, 22, and Chanese White, 28, have been fired. Rob Molloy, the day care center manager, has been cooperating with the Union County Prosecutor's Office, which is responsible for investigating the case. When asked for his thoughts, Molloy commented, "Look, this club should never have been formed, however, the first rule was clear: You do not talk about Fight Club, not to your mom, not to anybody. The second rule was to have fun and try your best, and most of the kids really enjoyed themselves. It wasn't all bad, you know, but one little fart ruined it for everyone involved. People with Alzheimer's are the perfect candidates to join fight club, not children, because these punks have vivid memories and cannot wait to share their experiences with the world.."
One of the children involved, three year old Charlie "Nunchucks" Doyle, in an interview with CNN, listed the other six rules of Fight Club. "Well, the third rule is simple -- if someone says "stop," goes limp, or taps out, then the fight is over. The fourth rule: Only two kids can fight at any one time. The fifth rule: Go to the toilet beforehand, no potty breaks during a fight. Sixth rule: No weaponry of any kind, we're talking knuckledusters and the likes. Seventh rule: Fights will go on as long as they have to. And the final rule: If this is your first day in Fight Club, you HAVE to fight, no pussying out," said the hardened youngster.
According to authorities, Kenny recorded videos of the fights and shared the clips with close friends on social media. Unsurprisingly, the majority of parents whose children attended the center said they were disgusted and saddened by the lack of professionalism, although Charlie's father, Tommy Doyle, was less perturbed. "It's a tough world out there, unforgiving and cruel, so I'm glad my boy is physically and mentally equipped to face the pressures coming his way. I've been speaking with Dana White, the President of the UFC, and he says Charlie has real potential."
However, Lindsey Matthews, whose daughter also attended the center up until recently, was less pleased. Ms. Matthews told NJ.com that she was "so sad for every victim involved." "Whenever I asked my daughter about her day, you know, she would just shrug and mumble 'sorry, mother, I cannot talk about it. I have been explicitly and repeatedly warned. Unsanctioned disclosure of internal events is strictly forbidden.' It's quite disturbing to hear a 4 year-old talk like that," said the visibly upset 35 year-old.
Kenny and White now face up to five years behind bars.
[post_title] => Day Care Employees Fighting Mad 'Fight Club' Busted
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Fight Club: but not the way Chuck Palahniuk envisaged it Obviously bored with their mundane lives, staff at a day care decided to inject a little excitement into … Read more
It's not the only recent children's book to spark criticism from the right.
According to Ben Carson, the American author, presidential candidate and close friend of God, "On first look, yes, the kangaroos, sheep, penguins and cows adorning the cover of Animal Farm 2.0 appear to be nothing more than innocent characters, but look closer, people, and you uncover a disturbing narrative. Conservatives, myself included, are worried, and rightly so. This book is the greatest threat to our proud nation since Dan Brown's tale involving Waldo joining ISIS."
The political and religious controversies surrounding this and other children’s books have taken the world by storm. Following the adventures of a tortoise with many different types of friends may seem harmless enough, however, the family dynamics – including same sex relationships – discussed in the book have conservatives crying foul. Animal Farm 2.0, the work of Italian author Francesca Pardi, sees Tobias encounter a pair of gay racoons with a penchant for BDSM, lesbian guinea pigs that successfully raise a family, as well as other family models, including a single parent zebra, a mixed race hedgehog couple, and two iguanas that fight the system and end up adopting three baby seals.
The book was met with disapproval in Mississippi, when the mayor of Jackson, Steve Adler, decided to ban the title from the children's section in public libraries. The decision led more than 90 authors to demand their own books be removed from library shelves around the city, a move one renowned author described as a “protest against an undemocratic gesture of censorship and idiocy.”
Now Pardi has found an unlikely friend in Bernie Sanders, who had one of his staff members contact the Italian praising her literary genius. “Mr. Sanders is grateful for your creativity and for the feelings each character evoked. He especially enjoyed following the antics of Caitlyn, the transgender goat. All of us are hoping for more fruitful work, anything that can educate the youth on the diversities of the modern world," wrote Symone Saunders, the press secretary for the longest-serving independent in U.S. congressional history.
Animal Farm 2.0 is not the first children's book to cause controversy in the U.S.
A handful of controversial kids' books have been in the news lately. From a book about a 3-year-old girl with a genuine fear of full fat milk to a 7-year-old boy desperate to marry his iPhone, many parents are very worried.
Last week saw Maurice Sendak, the popular children's book author behind the much loved Where the Wild Things Are, release a new book. The Swine and theSelfie Stick focuses on a narcissistic 9-year-old pig who lives a very strange life. Rolling in shit by day, Facebook trolling at night, this supposedly light-hearted kids book has left many parents baying for Sendak's blood. The book introduces a worrying concept -- narcissistic behavior is both expected and acceptable, and many moms and dads feel that it's too much for young kids to fully understand
Just F**king Sleep, another controversial release, is not your average children's book. Samuel L. Jackson, the Hollywood actor and author, described it as "a children's book for child-like adults." According to Samuel, "It's written in the style of a classic children's tale, Just F**king Sleep is for any mom or dad who finds themselves fed up with the boring bedtime, reading routines."
Lastly, Paul M. Kramer's George shuns Gluten is about a 7-year-old who adopts a very specific diet. The plot summary states George "goes on a gluten free diet and is transformed from being overweight, lethargic, puffy and insecure to a beautifully sculpted boy who becomes the school stud. Through time, cardio and kettlebell training, George becomes more self-assured and develops an impressive physique."
With many experts and parents questioning whether it's really appropriate for children to learn about body image at such a young age, you can be sure that further controversy is just around the corner.
[post_title] => Animal Farm 2.0 Attacked as Controversial Children's Book
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It’s not the only recent children’s book to spark criticism from the right. According to Ben Carson, the American author, presidential candidate and close friend of God, “On … Read more
Pixels, the big screen equivalent of horse shit, came on the heels of The Cobbler, the biggest stinker of Adam Sandler's career (which was also his lowest-grossing title ever). In the realms of artistic credibility, Hotel Transylvania has been his only respectable offering recently, and let's not forget that this animated film didn’t require his presence onscreen. "Thankfully!" said Anthony Oliver Scott -- strong words from the chief film critic at The New York Times.
Sandler's career has been on a sort of life support for far too long, so many of us are asking, "isn't it time for someone to pull the plug?"
The Westboro Baptist Church certainly think so. Notorious for their anti-gay protests, members of the Kansas based church have turned their anger towards the American pseudo-actor, pseudo-comedian, screenwriter, entrepreneur, film producer, and pseudo-musician.
"Adam Sandler's crimes against art must be stopped," Westboro Baptist Church spokesman Steve Drain told CNN on Friday. "We will not stop until the actor, and I use the term actor recklessly, agrees to stop making movies."
On September 25th, at the premiere of Hotel Transylvania 2 in Brooklyn, according to an irate Drain, the group intends to "bring an end to Adam Sandler's comedic abuse."
Shortly before passing away in 2014, according to reports, Fred Phelps, the pastor who once headed the Westboro Baptist Church, asked his followers to "encroach upon the lives of fallen actors," Adam Sandler and Nicolas Cage, to name just two, and to "bring an end to the careers of the talentless" -- namely David Spade, Tyler Perry and Kevin James.
Commenting on her father's dying wishes, Shirley Phelps-Fiend had this to say, "Although we want Adam Sandler to stop making movies, we all admit that he once made us laugh. However, I cannot forgive him for giving the likes of that retarded duo of David Spade and Rob Schneider a platform to pollute our minds with horrible cameos, their rat like appearances, and truly awful humor."
Shirley believes that God is punishing the United States for "the sins of Sandler" through events such as the Californian drought.
Before leaving to picket the funeral of a neighbor's pet hamster, the political activist and devil incarnate had a few poignant words to add: "Adam needs to wake up and realize that he's 48 years of age. Yes, we enjoyed him in the ’90s, a decade that saw him play the eternal teenage boy. Sadly, though, Sandler seems to have neglected one important fact -- his audience grew up a long time ago. Happy Gilmore seems a distant memory. Adam Sandler, don't be a bastard, just stop with these god awful movies."
[post_title] => Adam Sandler So Bad Anymore, Even Westboro Baptist Church is Demanding He Stop
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Crimes against comedy: The demise of Adam Sandler Pixels, the big screen equivalent of horse shit, came on the heels of The Cobbler, the biggest stinker of Adam … Read more
"Like any hardworking American male, when I come home and my $800 dinner’s not presented to me, I go absolutely insane, okay?" -- just one of Donald Trump's unforgettable quotes.
Long before the shy, humble billionaire threw his hat -- and hair -- into the presidential race, The Donald embraced a more intimate form of communication with the people he loves the most. No, not the Mexicans, the American people.
Dozens of books by and/or about the real estate developer, television personality, politician, and passionate racist have been published, some recently, some as far back as the early 80s. People, prepare yourselves, get ready to enter the mind of the self-confessed macho-man. The following quotes, from Trump's views about women to leading the free world to a fear of baldness, will leave you speechless.
On marriage:
“I once looked at my ex-wife, Ivana, and said, "I didn't find out what happiness meant until I got married... and then it was too late." People say you can't live without love, and I agree. But I'm in love with The Donald, and that's enough for any man." (Don't be Surprised - Omar Gosh, 2005)On prenuptial agreements:
"There exists basically two types of women. One is the decent woman, someone who very much loves her breadwinning partner, solely for himself, bowing to him on a regular basis. The other is a bitch, someone who refuses to sign the agreement on 'principle.' The man should avoid the latter at all costs.” (Irreverent, Irrepressible, Simply Irresistible - Donald Trump, 1988)On women:
"'When I give my opinion, you listen. When a woman attempts to give her opinion, I leave the room. Women are merely man’s helpmate, a function which pertains to each and every one of them.” (Winning the Race - Vic Tree, 1997)
"I once attended a party thrown by Beyoncé and her drug dealing husband. When Jay-Z left the room, I kid you not, Beyoncé turned to me said, ‘I don’t care if I'm married. I just don’t care. I have to have you, and I have to have you right now.’ I told her that I’d call her, but she had to stop the behavior immediately. I am not a piece of meat. Women only want one thing -- me." (Sexual Conquests - Donald Trump, 2004)
"One woman, who has an ass like the Lochness Monster, mysterious and highly sought after, was getting married, and I happened to meet her on Fifth Avenue while she was grabbing a coffee. I had my limousine parked nearby, and she asked if I could give her a ride back to her apartment on Park Avenue. I said absolutely, not even suspecting that within a second of the door closing she would be all over me, wrestling to get my pants off. I said, ‘You’re getting married next week, get out of my car, Jennifer Lopez.’" (Risky Business - Donald Trump, 2011)
“Maybe it's my humongous penis, I don’t know, but I seem to bring out either the best or worst in women.” (As quoted in Trumped! by John R. O'Donnell, 1991)On his “tremendous fear of baldness”:
“You know, I just let my glorious, sand-colored hair dip down to my eyes and curl over my beautiful ears. I have a tremendous fear of baldness. Bald men look ridiculous, let's be honest. I consider baldness a sign of weakness. If I could give a man just one piece of advice, this would be it -- Never let yourself go bald. You lose your hair, you lose your soul." (Carefree, Never Hairfree - Donald Trump, 2013)
[post_title] => The Donald, Warts and All
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Only in America: The Donald “Like any hardworking American male, when I come home and my $800 dinner’s not presented to me, I go absolutely insane, okay?” — … Read more
Subway's longtime spokesman, Jared Fogle, will be featured in major biopic.
Once called "America's 6-inch sweetheart," Jared Fogle, Subway's longtime spokesman, now finds himself in a world of trouble. In the words of Frederick DeLuca, Subway's co-founder, "Jared began and ended his career trying to squeeze into smaller pants."
Shortly after Fogle agreed to plead guilty to the charges filed against him, like something out of a fabricated news story, Clint Eastwood made a shocking announcement. The American actor, film director, producer, musician, empty chair talker and really old guy will follow up the spectacular box office success of American Sniper, his masterpiece, by directing Jonah Hill in the story of Jared Fogle's much publicized fall from grace.
Hill, an Oscar-nominated actor all too familiar with meatball sandwiches, was recently offered the lead role. After the dynamic duo’s Wolf of Wall Street heroics, it's no surprise to hear that DiCaprio has agreed to play the shamed celebrity's attorney, Jeremy Margolis. The film, "The Good, the Bad and the Fogle," will tell the story of the sandwich lover's rise to fame and subsequent vilification.
Even at 85, amazingly, Eastwood still finds himself the toast of Hollywood. Narrowly edging out Pudsey the Dog: The Movie, American Sniper became the US box office’s top-grossing film of 2014. Commenting on both American Sniper and his upcoming movie, Eastwood had this to say: "Although Bradley Cooper played US Navy Seal Chris Kyle in such an imposing manner, the movie was criticized in some quarters for its depiction of the real-life sniper’s cold-heartedness. This is what I do, I take debatable characters and try to make them lovable. Man, I certainly have my work cut out with Jared Fogle."
Paul Greengrass and David O'Russell, two well respected directors, had previously considered taking on the highly controversial project, which will boast an impressive film score from the brains behind The Silence of the Lambs, Howard Shore.
Clearly excited by the thought of working with Shore, Eastwood said, "Before Howard penned themes for those hobbits and orcs and Peter Jackson's talking trees, the man specialized in darker, more ominous music. Take Silence of the Lambs, for example, his magnum opus. The music was chilling, and we hope to recreate this sort of atmosphere. Subway will never be the same again."
The Good, the Bad and the Fogle is due to be released in June of next year.
[post_title] => Jared Fogle Story to be Told in Epic Film by Clint Eastwood
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Subway’s longtime spokesman, Jared Fogle, will be featured in major biopic. Once called “America’s 6-inch sweetheart,” Jared Fogle, Subway’s longtime spokesman, now finds himself in a world of … Read more
The Donald, likely an insult comic in another life, sits like a King.
Paul Lewis, a British journalist at The Guardian best known for his award-winning investigation into the demise of Hard Rock Café t-shirts, has just returned from traveling across the USA with Donald Trump. Wowing audiences and shrugging off numerous death threats from Mexicans, Trump's arrogance had a profound impact on Lewis.
[caption id="attachment_38247" align="alignright" width="231"] The Donald. Art by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.[/caption]
Here is what the journalist had to say:
Relaxing on the 26th floor of the Trump Tower in Manhattan, wearing nothing but a skimpy bathrobe and flip flops, the American real estate developer, television personality, politician and misogynist sits on a throne made of gold. He has just finished Skyping with "The Donald's biggest fan," Mel Gibson.
The billionaire looks at me and barks: “Do I know you, are you here to give me a massage and happy ending? I specifically asked for an Asian girl in her mid 20's. I'm stressed out and horny, but you'll have to do."
And so begins the crazy, 24 hour episode, something I like to call the "Donald Trump ShitShow." This is political satire at its finest -- a belligerent billionaire who runs for president, offends various demographics on an hourly basis, and becomes the front runner in the Republican race for world power.
After the massage, looking relieved and refreshed, Trump looks at me and says, "If you ever get tired of journalism, honestly, I have a job waiting for you. Those hands are simply magic."
"The Donald," as he demands to be called, is beating all the other Republican nominees by double digits in the polls, and his popularity is as astounding as it is perplexing. He gets dressed, I wash my hands, attempt to rediscover my dignity, then join The Donald aboard a flight to New Hampshire.
7.28pm, Hampton, New Hampshire
Close to four thousand voters, excited and boisterous, squeeze into Winnacunnet High School auditorium for an audience with Trump.
“Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it's time to meet the man who pisses excellence. Please welcome the next president of the United States, The Donald,” roars a voice over a loudspeaker. His attire is magnificent: wearing a Superman-inspired cape, Trump emerges from behind a huge curtain. Walking out to Joe Esposito's You're the Best Around, the Karate Kid song, Trump strolls on and extends his arms out as if to say “yes, it's me, and yes, I'm awesome.”
The self-confessed sex machine begins an incoherent, all-too-racist monologue, a rant that supposedly constitutes a 59-minute speech. Although it is not humanly possible to summarize Trump's thoughts into a coherent narrative, I will try: Obama bad, Trump good, foreigners bad, Americans good, China is too strong, Mexicans are too "rapey," and losing oil to the Middle East is "not good." Oh yeah, and Barack Obama is a moron. Needless to say, the other presidential candidates are boring puppets, each one bowing to the demands of wealthy donors who fund their campaigns.
The Donald certainly realizes that money makes the world tick, especially the world of American politics. Along with being a billionaire, Trump has a wicked sense of humor. He pokes fun at one of his rivals by sarcastically asking, "Where's Bobby Jindal? Did anybody look up Bobby Jack Perry's ass?" The joke at the expense of the 44-year-old Indian American and the Texas real estate honcho almost brings the roof down.
Calm and collected, The Donald makes ambiguous promises. He assures the audience that he can make America "a sexy and successful nation," he can "fix the big problem," he can "make jobs," and he can end the Californian drought with "just one phone call," because he knows a guy who knows a guy. Like Pavlov's dogs, the audience salivate, literally hanging on his every word. The political jibes, especially when Trump imitates John Kerry falling off his bike in France, have the crowd howling with laughter. Tears in their eyes, people, both young and elderly alike, rise to their feet and offer Trump a standing ovation. Just as the crescendo builds, he -- somewhat ironically -- bellows: “You don’t want a narcissistic ape for a president, you want The Donald!”
Outside, not long after his speech, Trump is greeted by another crowd. Many of them look leather-faced and rich, rather like Trump himself. They have been waiting here for hours, and a young woman actually throws her underwear at The Donald, hitting him straight in the face. He smiles, sniffs the panties, stuffs them into his pocket, waves, and gets into the chopper. “Mr Trump, I also hate Mexicans,” shrieks a woman as the chopper lifts off, “not really a fan of the Chinese, either.”
Saturday, 10.48am, Des Moines airport
Trump, wearing a red onesie and gold studded crown, sits is in his luxurious private jet. He is being interviewed by Chuck Todd, the anchor of NBC’s Meet the Press. Methodical to a fault, Todd is desperately trying to get the billionaire to shed some light on his proposed immigration policy. "Are you really going to build a giant wall to keep Mexicans out?" asks Todd, to which Trump nods his head.
Todd follows up with, "and who do you think will build this wall?" Trump pauses for a second, grins, and says, "Mexican laborers, obviously." The Donald, who is the king of speaking effectively without ever really saying anything, evades Todd's interrogation like Floyd Mayweather avoids actual boxing. “Chuck, don't you worry your little head,” he reassures the anchor. “In four years you’re going to be blowing me and you’re gonna say ‘President Trump, thank you for this opportunity.’”
12.08pm
The sky rumbles louder than Chris Christie's stomach. Is it a bird? No. Is it a plane? No. Is it The Donald? Yes. Trump's helicopter hovers above the Iowa State Fair, just low enough for the mere mortals to read the two words emblazoned across the side: "YOU'RE WELCOME." Hillary Clinton, selfie stick in hand, happens to be looking upwards at that very moment. Everywhere people are pointing to the sky, shouting: “OMFG. Trump! Trump!” Hillary throws her selfie stick in the trash and mutters a word that sounds a lot like "duck."
12.11pm
Trump's Sikorsky S-76 helicopter lands right on top of "The Hillary Bus," hurling a gust of steel, glass, gravel and grass into the faces of onlookers, many of whom are news reporters. Although one person loses an eye, the others just spit, cough violently, and laugh like lunatics, amazed by Trump's audacity. Emerging from the smoky chaos, wearing diamond studded golf shoes and a red “SUCK IT!” baseball cap, Trump is met by a barrage of questions. Amidst a wave of 'sign my tits' requests from young women, thankfully, a news reporter asks a legitimately important question. “If you made it to the White House, Mr. Trump, can you tell us why or when you would consider using a nuclear weapon?”
“Who the hell are you? I don’t even want to answer that, and call me 'The Donald,'” Trump says. “That’s a very difficult question, and I'm not here to answer difficult questions.” Another reporter asks if he plans to release any substantive policies whatsoever. “I know you vampires want them,” he says, “but people don't really give a shit, pardon my Mexican Spanish.”
20.52pm
The megalomaniac gets in his helicopter again. It's been a long day. “Mr Trump?” asks a five-year-old boy, just as the helicopter is about to take off. “Are you God?” Trump leans forward and looks him in the eye, “No, boy, I am The Donald. God is a fictional character, I am 100% real.”
[post_title] => A Day in the Life of 'The Donald'
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The Donald, likely an insult comic in another life, sits like a King. Paul Lewis, a British journalist at The Guardian best known for his award-winning investigation into … Read more
The 2016 presidential candidates filled us in on their (very strange) fitness programs.
Most people think candidates only run their mouths, but according to reports, Hillary runs 20k every morning, Bobby Jindal performs the plank for 65 minutes a day, and Donald Trump swears by a rigorous routine, one consisting mainly of pelvic floor exercises to control his crippling incontinence.
How do the some of the other 2016 presidential candidates stay in such great shape? The answers for some of the candidates are provided below.
1) Bernie Sanders — Naked yoga: The mental image of Bernie doing naked yoga — especially the Downward-Facing Dog — may leave you feeling a little queasy, but the junior United States Senator from Vermont swears by it. The 73 year old famously said that, "Going nude on a mat is a trend that many Americans will eventually embrace." Sanders, a huge fan of the unconventional workout, claims that it helps him really focus on his body and experience "an enlightening, liberating feeling of euphoria." The Democratic Party candidate did give one piece of notable advice: "For people considering attending naked yoga classes, I cannot stress this enough -- bring your own mat."
2) Lindsey Graham — Karaoke spin class: "I love it, I truly love it, just me and the girls letting our hair down," announced the most effeminate of the Republican Party presidential candidates (including Carly Fiorina). He added, "Dancing for fitness is, obviously, oh-so-popular these days, but what happens when a gal like myself has two left feet? Karaoke spin class, that's what." A genuine fan of the workout, Graham claims that the singing element forced him to learn how to control his breathing. In the words of the rather camp 60 year old, "If I can sing along to Dolly Parton, I know I need to step it up."
3. Mike Huckabee — The Gospel Workout: When asked to describe the workout, Huckabee replied: "Think Mississippi Mass Choir meets P90X." This faith-based workout is enough to make any Southerner sweat out all that fried chicken and lard, before begging the Lord for mercy. According to the Guns, Grits, Glutes & Gravy author, "Every one of the calorie-burning workouts, all 499 of them, kicks off with a prayer and finishes with a glorious Amen."
4) Ted Cruz — Jukari: "If athletic apparel giant Reebok and Cirque du Soleil had a lovechild, then, undoubtedly, Jukari would be the end result. I can't get enough of it," says Ted Cruz, the Texan, bird faced presidential candidate. With a heavy element of circus-inspired theatrics, the workout, via a trapeze-like apparatus, allows an individual to swing, fly, spin, jump and, most importantly, according to the Abraham Lincoln of Sarah Palins, "tone the body."
There you have it, folks, why not give one of these exercises a go? Although, please, if you're going to do naked yoga at home, close those curtains.
[post_title] => Presidential Candidates Share Their Fitness Routines
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The 2016 presidential candidates filled us in on their (very strange) fitness programs. Most people think candidates only run their mouths, but according to reports, Hillary runs 20k … Read more
Pokémon Go monsters have already been spotted at Rio Olympic sports venues.[/caption]
Pikachu and his pesky pals aren't just blowing up your Facebook and Twitter feeds, the bastards have even tricked everyone into exercising more, and it's no mean feat to get an average American up off his butt and outside running.
But now the app is jeopardizing one of the year's biggest events -- the Olympic Games.
Besides the threat of Pokémon Go monsters showing up at Rio Olympic sports venues and interrupting the action -- not to mention monopolizing the fans' attention as they try to capture them -- athletes, too, are occupied with the craze, and opting out of the competition.
The sport of golf has waited over a century to get back into the Olympics, but the highly-anticipated return my be jeopardized. The top four golfers in the world have decided they'll wait a bit longer to compete in the Games.
