63% of Aliens Believe Humans Haven’t Visited Earth
Aliens are now generally unsupportive of the idea that humans have, in any shape or form, been to Earth, according to new polling. In a new NBC/Marist poll, … Read more
Matt Rotman
New iPhone X Allows Baby Boomers to Complain about Medicare-for-All from Comfort of Free Doctor Visit
Apple’s surprise announcement of the iPhone X finally let’s the War Babies publicly decry public assistance to anyone but them. Apple introduced three new iPhone models this week, … Read more
Too Early to Rule Out Awesome, Gore-rific Shark Attack on Vacant Boat Floating Eerily in Harbor
Law enforcement officials say it is way too early to eliminate a badass shark attack as the cause for an abandoned boat spookily floating in the harbor of … Read more
Category 3 Hurricane Really Half-Assing It
Despite being afforded every opportunity since birth, Hurricane Chet is simply not living up to expectations. Expectations were significantly lowered this week after it became clear Hurricane Chet … Read more
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Scared Sh*tless After Playing ‘Bloody Mary’ Game
After repeating ‘Bloody Mary’ three times in front of mirror, Sarah Huckabee Sanders swears she saw something. Curled up in comfy jammies with a flashlight under her chin … Read more
Betsy DeVos Eliminates School Principal Position, Sends Students Straight to Hell
New Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has a message for the children of America: go to hell. Under new federal guidelines, the Department of Education will eliminate all school … Read more
