Will Durst

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says "Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!" Check his website for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will's books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.

You Can’t Do That

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Trump has never heard the words, "You can't do that," from anyone, but soon may hear, "You're fired" from the American people.

All of Washington is vibrating like the foam on a latte in the cup holder of a convertible jeep riding railroad tracks over a bridge. Republicans are scrambling to hold together their diverse coalition of rich white men frightened about the next election and well-to-do white men worried about the next election. Democrats also seem mildly engaged, which to them borders on a frenzy.

It's all due to the substantial evidence that Donald Trump conspired to withhold military aid to Ukraine unless President Volodomyr Zelensky agreed to assist in the upcoming election by digging up dirt on Joe Biden's family. A great way to resolve this would be to launch an investigation into corruption activities by all family members of the executive branch of government, past and present, but that's probably not going to happen.

The proof of Mr. Trump's malfeasance consists of texts, emails, depositions, multiple whistleblowers and a little thing called Trump's own admission. Either he doesn't believe he can commit a crime, doesn't think anybody cares, or considers himself untouchable (stemming from the fact that lately, nobody wants to touch him).

The problem with swimming with Trump is he's constantly pooping in the pool and expecting everyone to pretend not to notice while smiling at the honor. Then he pees from the high board and calls it liquid gold. And still his enablers are surprised when they get out and no one will lend them a towel.

It was bound to happen: you cut enough corners, eventually all you're left holding is a hole, hopefully big enough to hide in. Which is what all of his staffers and appointees are looking for right now as the investigation spreads like basement mold.

He then didn't just double down, he quintupled down by publicly threatening to ask China to do the same thing. First he leverages Ukraine, then China, who's next; Wakanda? Ruritania? Fredonia? He's already got Absurdistan's support, aka: Fox News.

Why does Trump have to dig up dirt on anybody when he has plenty Trump branded dirt in his own back yard? Obviously, he's not going to give away his extremely valuable dirt for free, but couldn't he lend Biden a couple of wheel barrels full at 10 percent interest?

The man has never heard the words, "You can't do that." From anybody. Ever. Whether it concerned legal, ethical, moral or strategic matters. He's Billy Mumy in that Twilight Zone episode. Either you agree with what he wants or suffer the consequences. Hopefully he'll hear "No, I'm sorry, you can't betray your oath of office, you're fired" from the American people soon.

But right now, the president is double-dog daring Congress: "Yeah, I did it, and I'll do it again, and who's going to stop me? You? Right, you and what army?" Even though he's under intense fire for abuse of power, the House of Representatives - controlled by Democrats - decides this information is so critical, they immediately spring into action... and take a two- week recess.

But in the middle of October, when they get back, Congress is expected to buy a one-way ticket on the Impeachment Train without any idea of where it's going, when it'll get there or how much it's going to cost.

And as usual, checked bags are extra.
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Trump has never heard the words, “You can’t do that,” from anyone, but soon may hear, “You’re fired” from the American people. All of Washington is vibrating like … Read more

Blow That Whistle Like a Spy

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The president says the whistleblower is "like a spy," but this White House is like one of those Vaudevillian plate spinners who isn’t happy until all the plates come crashing down to the ground.

This White House breathes chaos. They’re like one of those Vaudevillian plate spinners who isn’t happy until all the plates come crashing down to the ground. The attraction consists of the cast kicking through the detritus, which is always loud and cacophonous.

But even given that standard, the current state of disarray is breathtaking. Staffers are quitting, subpoenas are being issued; terms like “treason,” “civil war” and "like a spy" are being bandied about. This is more than your run of the mill ordinary pandemonium; this is super-exceptional pandemonium, like a monkey in a tuxedo juggling bayonets. On a unicycle. In hell.

This latest chapter in mayhem and bedlam occurred in the wake of a whistleblower coming forward to claim Donald Trump attempted to shake down a foreign leader to interfere on his behalf in the next election, which is so illegal, even Vladimir Putin was impressed.

Holding hostage an arms shipment that Congress had already approved, the President first asked a favor of Vlodomyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president; not-so-slyly intimating the arms would be released only if the Ukrainians were able to dig up some dirt with an investigation of Joe Biden’s son, Hunter. And Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris: whoever you got. Marianne Williamson, not so much.

Trump also threatened to keep Vice President Pence from making a state visit unless ball was played, which is a weird form of intimidation. Keeping Mike Pence from coming to your country doesn’t sound very menacing. More like a reward. As a matter of fact, next time the stable genius might want to promise Rudy Giuliani and William Barr would stay equally far away. Might provide more leverage.

Despite previous confusion, Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, was listening in on the very phone call, records of which were diverted to a super secret server that stores other calls and documents that make the president look bad. So, it must be one hell of a server. Maybe a warehouse in Bethesda?

The president responded by saying the whistleblower was like a spy, and in the old days, they knew how to deal with spies. Suggesting we execute witnesses to his crimes; isn’t that an impeachable offense as well? He’s stacking ‘em up like 747s circling O’Hare after a surprise blizzard the day before Thanksgiving.

Trump doesn’t deny the call with Zelensky and released a transcript maintaining that the conversation was “perfect and beautiful.” And because we’ve gone through this process for 33 months, we all know how the rest is going to play out. He’ll say even if he did it, many people are saying there was nothing wrong with it. There will be stonewalling. He’ll say plenty of other people did the same thing, especially Obama.

He’ll increasingly attack the accuser, threaten lawsuits and call the scandal just another partisan witch-hunt, which further exemplifies the larger conspiracy against he, the best president in the history of ever. And during all these predictable machinations, he’ll continue to distract the public by offering up other tantalizing morsels for public and media consumption.

Maybe he’ll finally release his tax returns or leak photos from the night he spent with Stormy Daniels or start a war. But we all know how it’ll turn out. He’ll blame Hillary. And then break more plates.
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The president says the whistleblower is “like a spy,” but this White House is like one of those Vaudevillian plate spinners who isn’t happy until all the plates … Read more

Football Debate

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Both politics and football are sports that don’t finish until there’s blood on the field. You cannot comment on either one without your trusty basket of clichés.

Got an embarrassing admission here. Was scheduled to summarize the Democratic candidates debate last week but also had a deadline about the opening of the football season, and they kind of got mixed up together. Don’t you hate it when two things vie for your attention at the same time? Must be what’s making Donald Trump so irascible.

Of course, when you get right down to it, the two do have quite a bit in common. Both politics and football are sports that don’t finish until there’s blood on the field. You cannot comment on either one without your trusty basket of clichés. And the losers are forgotten as soon as the contest is over. If not before. So apologies all around and here goes.

Joe Biden. This crafty veteran comes to play every day and always gives 110% but you can’t help but suspect some of those unforced errors early in the season are going to come back to haunt him.

Elizabeth Warren. Everyone knows she always brings her “A” game and is making plays on both sides of the ball, but now it’s gut-check time and she needs to put the rock in the house.

Bernie Sanders. Not only does he believe that winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing, but also, that louder is better. This old war-horse has been there before and knows what to do; the question is does he still have what it takes?

Beto O’Rourke. He comes to play every day, dealing with one debate at a time, proving to all the fans in the stands that he can play with the big boys. And girls. Or will he toss his long-shot personal ambition aside and take one for the team?

Andrew Yang. He matches up well with the Democratic message and talks a good game, but now its time to punch it in. The only worry is whether his giveaway strategy will help or hurt over the course of a grueling schedule.

Pete Buttigieg. His back is up against the wall with lousy field position and is looking at 4th and forever, so it might be Hail Mary Time.

Kamala Harris. The momentum may have shifted, but she has proven over a long career that she won’t be denied, as we saw when she threw her game plan out the window to concentrate on running it right up the middle and is knocking on the door.

Amy Klobuchar. It’s a game of field position and she’s got some room to operate but at the end of the day, it all comes down to who can score the most points and how bad she wants to run to daylight.

Cory Booker. You can’t stop him; all you can hope to do is contain him. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Other words he’s unfamiliar with are “victory,” “triumph” and “harpsichord.”

Julian Castro. With his back up against the wall, he left it all on the debate stage, never pulls his punches and demonstrated he believes the best offense is a good offense.

But don’t any of them relax, because Tom Steyer has shaken off plenty of would-be-tacklers, isn’t running out of money any time soon and appears to be en fuego. It's obvious the man came to play.
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Both politics and football are sports that don’t finish until there’s blood on the field. You cannot comment on either one without your trusty basket of clichés. Got … Read more

How Congress Spent Their Summer Vacation

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Alert! Alert! Residents should remain on the lookout for male and female politicians walking the streets disguised as normal citizens on summer vacation.

Alert! Alert! This is a test. This is only a test. A test of the Congressional ReArrival Warning System. Residents of the District of Colombia should remain on the lookout for male and female politicians walking the streets disguised as normal citizens just home from summer vacation. Although expert at camouflage, they can be recognized, notably by the crisp lines of their plumage, consisting mostly of dark business suits, but also by the incessant habit of spending every waking hour dialing district donors for dark dirty dollars.

The second week of September is traditionally when all 535 members of the 116th Congress reconvene, ostensibly refreshed for the arduous 33 days of work scheduled between now and Thanksgiving.

Caution: Do not approach or attempt to interact with these seemingly mild-mannered bureaucrats, as they are often irritable and unpredictable after spending lengthy periods amongst family and constituents, depending on which vacational ventures were undertaken.

Fortunately, through a complex network of research grants, internet searches and educated guesses, we here at Durstco were able to determine the recreational activities engaged in by many of America's movers and shakers these past couple of months and are proud to present them now in a feature we like to call: "How They Spent Their Summer Vacations":

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell went to vocabulary camp, learning how to say "no" in 23 different languages.

Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Switzerland for a charisma implant but, alas, his system rejected it and the donor died.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren bingewatched all 8 seasons of Game of Thrones. But didn't get it.

President Donald Trump managed to bring his golf handicap below his body temperature for the first time since contracting malaria. Malaria, not Melania.

Vice President Mike Pence spent a lot of time being seen reading the Bible in the presence of his wife.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders held a series of mock debates with himself and lost to Kamala Harris every time.

Former Congressman Mark Sanford hiked another Appalachian Trail, where he was hit by a bolt of Republican lightning.

Donald Trump Jr. took a hurricanetracking course in order to better advise his father.

National Security Advisor John Bolton got his talons sharpened.

Beto O'Rourke spent 3 weeks in physical therapy learning to talk with his hands stapled to the outside of his thighs.

Wisconsin Congressman James Sensenbrenner achieved higher consciousness after two weeks in an Oneida sweat lodge.

Eric Trump was sent on a month-long snipe hunt by White House handlers.

Andrew Yang practiced casting a reflection in a mirror.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a sleep-over at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's house and the two got into a pillow fight resulting in 2 broken lamps and a quick trip to the emergency room.

Cory Booker added Antonio Brown to his fantasy football team.

Marianne Williamson presented a spirited defense of her Summer League Competitive Yoga title.

Tom Steyer built a phone tree filled with recalcitrant billionaires.

Amy Klobuchar organized sensitivity training retreats in various yurts around northern Minnesota.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg baked and froze a series of casseroles for the South Bend Indiana Police Lodge's Annual Autumn Pot-Luck Dinner.

And finally, Melania, not malaria, Melania Trump spent her summer vacation wandering the Northern Mediterranean Coast, scoping out possible new rich daddies for Barron.
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Alert! Alert! Residents should remain on the lookout for male and female politicians walking the streets disguised as normal citizens on summer vacation. Alert! Alert! This is a … Read more

Labor Day 19

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Are you kidding? Labor Day 2019? Already? How the hell did that happen?

Are you kidding? Labor Day 2019? Already? How the hell did that happen? Didn’t we just scrape down the Weber for the first summer barbecue on Memorial Day? Wasn’t that like a week ago?

No matter. The kids are back in school. Every team in the NFL has legitimate playoff hopes. The trees are turning colors. Detroit is rolling out their new pieces of iron. Time to celebrate. Go out and party hearty everyone, like we’re getting a day off of work to celebrate what it is we do for a living. Because that’s what this day is really about.

Labor Day is also the seasonal marker between summer and autumn. The day that acts as barrier between coolers full of iced cans of PBR and icy winds swooping down from Manitoba. When we stow the swimsuits and flip-flops and pull out the parkas and galoshes. Storms go up, screens come down. The bright yin slowly changes into the dark yang.

When watermelons get carted off the floor of the grocery store behind those big black plastic flappy things and out comes the squash. Roll up the garden hose and check the exhaust hose on the snow blower. Verdant shades of green are replaced by the orange and black of Halloween.

It will never be mistaken for the king of holidays; more like a wandering minstrel on a discount donkey, blissfully unshackled to any official duties required of royalty. No proscribed traditions to uphold; pumpkins or fir trees to kill. No bunnies or turkeys or Cupid mascots to venerate. No flags or fireworks or dead presidents or foreign wars to remember. It’s a feets up, shoes off, potato chip and dip kind of day.

And as a holiday, it gets little to no respect. Like a gym teacher substituting for an advanced honors biology class. Or an usher at a Saturday afternoon pre-school screening of a “Frozen” sing-along. An accountant in a biker bar. Artichokes at a cookout.

The name is definitely part of the problem -- Labor Day. Kind of a bummer, when you think about it. After all, hard labor is a punishment and any woman who has gone through childbirth is not going to wax ecstatic either. So unsexy, it should be wearing support hose. The people at Hallmark will never make a penny off the first Monday in September.

But don’t blow it off because this holiday is a gift for everyone: from the masters of the stock market to the stock clerks at the corner market. Equally to be enjoyed by the wizards of Wall Street and the folks who shovel blizzards off of Main Street. For the blue-collars and the white collars and the diamond collars and the no collars and the studded dog collars.

Just one day off to relax. To sleep late and maybe meet up with friends and family for one last warm weather blow out, and then again, maybe not. Do it up good or do nothing. Because this holiday is about the true American heroes. The ones who keep democracy alive and growing and stable. Who keep their heads down and continue to move forward trying to carve out a living in this crazy world. You know: you and me. Okay. Mostly you. Happy Labor Day everybody.
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Are you kidding? Labor Day 2019? Already? How the hell did that happen? Are you kidding? Labor Day 2019? Already? How the hell did that happen? Didn’t we … Read more

Beat the Heat

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Presenting the top ways to stay cool during the hottest summer ever.

Humans cherish our seasonal grievances. In the winter, we enthusiastically complain about the cold. It’s what we do. In the spring, it’s the wet. In the fall, it’s the pumpkin spice. But in the summer, it’s the heat. Your Aunt Catherine may have said, “Its not the heat, it’s the humidity.” But as usual, she was wrong: it’s the heat.

So here we are, dead-end summer and guess what; it’s hot out there. And not just your normal summer-hot either. We’re talking exponential factor hot. Second degree burns from the car door handle-hot. Your clothes all feel like greasy Saran Wrap-hot. Hershey bars are drinkable-hot. Sweating in places you weren’t aware you had places-hot. Record-shatteringly-hot.

As a matter of fact, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration declared July, 2019 to be the hottest month recorded in the history of forever. Well, since 1880 anyway, when they started keeping records. Which back then was done with quill and parchment, so you know they were extra careful.

We’ll ignore the question of whether humans are responsible for heating up the globe like a test tube on a Bunsen burner with the gas spigot turned up full. YES! Along with other questions such as does the unceasing burning of fossil fuels bear any responsibility? INDEED! Or is the current administration colluding to accelerate the rise of the planet’s thermostat? YOU BET!

Rather, let’s focus on the practical aspects of surviving these thermal extremes. Local television coverage thoughtfully provides advice with their annual "How to Beat the Heat Wave" segments. Typically involves a reporter frying an egg on the sidewalk or the hood of a car or the forehead of the resident wacky sports reporter.

Then they haul in some dodgy looking expert who intones earth-shakingly predictable advice while the perky anchor makes valiant efforts to remain alert; "Stay indoors. Don’t exert yourself. Wear light colored clothing. Drink plenty of liquids. Plan physical activities for early in the day. Call into work as absent due to the scorchiness."

They might as well caution you to eat food, breathe air and walk upright. And because we here at Durstco care, here’s a couple of novel ideas on how to stay cool while the rest of the world swelters in the blistering.

Top Ways to Beat the Heat During the Hottest Summer Ever


    
 	
  • Take a trip to the southern part of South America, its winter there.
    • 
 	
  • At irregular intervals, stick your head in the refrigerator.
    • 
 	
  • Sign up for underwater spelunking lessons.
    • 
 	
  • Sleep as close to the beach as possible, but check the tides first.
    • 
 	
  • Ice cubes in your underwear. Scoff if you will, but it works.
    • 
 	
  • For as long as it takes, subsist entirely on ice cream.
    • 
 	
  • Hang out in the shady parts of town.
    • 
 	
  • Meditation. Think cool thoughts.
    • 
 	
  • Collect all your sweat and put it in a bowl. Won’t make you cooler, but will keep your mind off how hot it is.
    • 
 	
  • Eat frozen foods while still frozen.
    • 
 	
  • Sit in a sauna for ten minutes every hour. Then the mere balmy will seem refreshingly cool in comparison.
    • 
 	
  • Book a room in a hotel with a pool. Crank the air down to glacial.
    • 
 	
  • Drink plenty of water, frozen into cubes, completely surrounded by gin and tonic.
    • 
 	
  • Two words: Champagne popsicles.
    • 


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Presenting the top ways to stay cool during the hottest summer ever. Humans cherish our seasonal grievances. In the winter, we enthusiastically complain about the cold. It’s what … Read more

Soft Tissue Racist

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Trump declared he doesn't have a racist bone in his body, so the general consensus is -- he must be a soft tissue racist.

What a long hot lousy stinking summer. We’ve spent so much time sending thoughts and prayers to Gilroy and El Paso and Chicago and Virginia Beach and Dayton and even Toledo, there’s hardly been time for ice cream and barbecues and theme parks. Who can relax with everybody so focused on being Strong?

Fireworks are out of the question as the horrific spate of mass shootings has the entire country recoiling from any and/ or all loud noises, and yes, that includes the strident denials by the president that his vitriolic rhetoric has anything to do with riling up the racist element often referred to as his base. We’re not saying all Donald Trump supporters are lethally ignorant racists, just that most lethally ignorant racists are Donald Trump supporters.

In response he said, “I don’t think my rhetoric is racist at all. As a matter of fact, I think my rhetoric brings people together.” And it has proven to be effective in bringing white supremacists together with immigrant victims.

Under intense pressure from vulnerable GOP congressional candidates, Trump did manage to mumble something about racism being bad. Of course, his words might have been easier to understand if he had taken off the hood.

45 went on to blame video games, the internet, mental illness and all sorts of things, somehow neglecting to mention the word “guns” at all, while claiming the only true answer to this disturbing spray of terror is his desperately needed immigration reform. Yep. Everything is always all about the wall. Except Mexico paying for it.

Although blaming mental illness, Trump also failed to mention it was he who got rid of Obama’s regulation that kept people who received Social Security checks for mental illnesses and deemed unfit to handle their financial affairs from buying guns. Probably just slipped his mind. That’s one slippery mind.

Also interesting to note; many people hearing Donald Trump accuse hatred and mental illness for being responsible for the madness pointed out to their televisions in varying degrees of intensity, “you, that’s you, you’re talking about you.”

What nobody mentions about this 2nd Amendment brouhaha, it’s not the guns so much as the bullets that are the real problem. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. They are the things that put the holes in the body making the blood leak out way too quick.

Trump declared he doesn't have a racist bone in his body, so the general consensus is -- he must be a soft tissue racist. And that's a lot of soft tissue. Can’t wait for the upcoming announcement by the president that there is no room in his administration for racists because all the slots have been filled by his family.

He expressed confidence he could work out a deal with Congress on “meaningful background checks,” but Moscow Mitch McConnell has gone Full Turtle pulling his head into his shell and refusing to encourage or discourage any optimism. Which is his way.

Suspicions run rampant they’re both counting on the 116th Congress returning from recess on the Monday after Labor Day and being distracted by the umpteen other catastrophes, calamities and cataclysms that will surely arise before their arrival, once again making this issue as dated as the fashions worn by trustees at the Asylum of Charenton. Which in 1814 played a role similar to… Congress.
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Trump declared he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body, so the general consensus is — he must be a soft tissue racist. What a long hot … Read more

The Best Words

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President Donald Trump claims he knows the best words, though while he keeps saying he’s got them, curiously, we never get to see or hear them.

Nobody knows what the earliest word used by humans was. The general consensus is the Sumerians developed the first written language around 3500 BC, using wedge-shaped symbols called cuneiform. Scholars hypothesize that the first word was either “ouch” or “me,” although “pie” had to have been up there since the shapes surely reminded the Sumerians of it.

For the last 5500 years humans have spent our lifetimes searching for the best words to communicate. Because the precise word can make the difference between understanding and confusing people to the point of banging their heads against metal railings until blood drips out their ears. It doesn’t help that individual words can have many definitions; such as the word “gross” which can mean… icky, large, 144 or the thought of Mitch McConnell naked.

President Donald Trump claims he knows the best words, though while he keeps saying he’s got them, curiously, we never get to see or hear them. 45 obviously realizes how precious they are and keeps them locked up in order not to waste them. Along with his best people.

The Democrats think they have some pretty good words too and trotted out some superlative ones in the debates last week. As we have learned, those words can be inspirational, aspirational, confrontational, nondenominational or generational but are definitely not necessarily connected to reality. And as predictable as finding blueberry muffins the size of aspirins at a breakfast buffet.

Writers strain mightily to use not just good words, but the very best possible ones and most books are just different rearrangements of those words. All 20 of the democratic candidates apparently read the same book because they squawked out the same exact things behaving not unlike well-groomed parrots.

Each and every one of them is pro-good and anti-bad. On the side of the angels, not the demons. The cops. Not the criminals. Looking to go to heaven, not North Korea. They unanimously stand against cancer, love families and puppies and think we should plan to start at the beginning.

Education? Yes, indeed. You bet. They’re big fans. Corruption? Nope. Not in favor one bit. And on that you can quote them. The future? That, my friends, is yet to come. And something we must all work towards. Together. Because working together is the only sure path to tomorrow.

Health care is good, but only good health care, not bad health care or insufficient or poorly administered health care. Let’s face it, bad health care is not good. Universal health care can be good or bad. So they want the good kind.

They hate hypocrites and revere the clergy. And their thoughts and prayers are with us and El Paso and Dayton and everywhere else that needs to be Strong. And we need to get rid of the guns. Okay, just the bad guns. What? Wait. Oh, sorry, never mind, erase that.

And we’re definitely going to need more free stuff, like tuition and child- care and a guaranteed income. But we also should have a strong defense and border security and a powerhouse economy and clean air and water. You know what this country needs: more good stuff. And less bad stuff. So let’s get to it, shall we? How? By working together. And then we can have pie.
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President Donald Trump claims he knows the best words, though while he keeps saying he’s got them, curiously, we never get to see or hear them. Nobody knows … Read more

Tyrannical Twitter Tirades

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President Donald Trump’s Chaos Strategy was working overtime last week with a series of typical topical tyrannical Twitter tirades.

President Donald Trump’s Chaos Strategy was working overtime last week with a series of typical topical tyrannical Twitter tirades. He tore into Robert Mueller then pivoted to energize his base by tossing out attacks against anybody with the temerity to criticize the administration’s inhumane immigrant incarceration policies. It was a week where the vitriol spewed like a pinwheel of bile in a wind tunnel.

A Democratic aide claimed Mueller’s testimony was integral because “If people haven’t read the book, they’ll watch the movie” but not even Stephen Spielberg could have saved this production. A motorcycle chase might have helped, but probably not. Some killer robot CGI… maybe.

Easy to see why the former Special Prosecutor prefers the darkness. Although this was his 89th testimony in front of Congress, his performance was so uninspired, the reluctant witness seemed to nod out himself a couple of times along with many members of Congress and most of the viewing public.

A few Republicans couldn’t even summon the energy to pepper him with antagonistic questions. But it was the performance of Mueller himself that set the tone. Dial tone. The man is stiffer than Mitch McConnell wearing buttless chaps on a gay pride parade float.

One problem is he’s about as vindictive as a throw rug. They sent a Boy Scout to take out a vampire. The Democrats needed Van Helsing and got Dudley Do-Right. The fired up the Bat Signal and Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred showed up.

Trump complained Mueller shouldn’t be allowed another bite of the apple, ignoring the precedent established by Republicans when they took multiple bites out of every apple in the Benghazi barrel.

But the 74-year-old’s testimony was exactly what anybody who had paid attention to his report or press conference could have predicted. He takes straight and narrow to levels previously unheard of in mathematics.

Every question posed resulted in his stating he either couldn’t or wouldn’t answer. Others he didn’t answer. Hard to figure what Democrats expected: that he would suddenly remember a smoking gun under a couch cushion or be seized by the irresistible urge to do the right thing or be struck by a bolt of religious righteousness? They threw up a Hail Mary but the quarterback fumbled the snap.

The one thing Mr. Mueller did do was reiterate over and over that the Russian government was responsible for a sweeping and systemic effort to interfere in our election for the purpose of getting Donald Trump elected over Hillary Clinton. And not only will they do it again, but “they’re doing it as we sit here.” Sparking Congress to immediately spring into action to do nothing.

Senate Democrats proposed 2 pieces of legislation to provide election interference protection but Majority Leader Mitch McConnell called them partisan and announced he would not allow either to receive a vote earning him the viral sobriquet, Moscow Mitch.

Then President Trump turned up the distraction meter, tweeting that Elijah Cummings’ Maryland district is “disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess” after earlier encouraging four Democratic congresswomen of color to go back to where they came from. Responding to accusations of racism, Trump said he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body, meaning it must all be packed in his soft tissue. And he’s got a lot of soft tissue.
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President Donald Trump’s Chaos Strategy was working overtime last week with a series of typical topical tyrannical Twitter tirades. President Donald Trump’s Chaos Strategy was working overtime last … Read more

Greenwashing the White House

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Recently, Trump tried greenwashing the White House and his administration, claiming he had done more for the environment than any other presidency, ever.

In a recent speech by the president, the former golf resort magnate claimed his administration had done more for the environment than any other presidency, ever. Yes, he did. He said that. Out loud. Trotted out some facts and figures and studies to support his wacky assertions and managed to convey a deep condescending concern with a fairly straight face. Well, a fairly orange face. A very organic color for a Florida fruit.

Donald Trump called himself an environmentalist. And reporters reported it. And viewers saw it. And listeners heard it. And absolutely nobody stood up and said, “No, no, no, no, no. You are not an environmentalist. If you are anything, it is the exact opposite of an environmentalist. This is crazy talk and cannot be allowed to continue or the fabric of reality will be forever torn and tentacled monsters will descend from holes in the sky.”

You know what this means, of course: that we have officially passed through the looking glass. Trump the Environmentalist. It’s delusion spiced with confusion caused by contusion. This man must be stopped before he hurts himself and/ or us. Someone get one of those white canvas jackets with the way too long sleeves that tie off and buckle up in the back and put it on him. Soon. Please.

The 45th POTUS has undoubtedly been the single worst thing to happen to this planet’s climate since that asteroid killed all the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. This is the guy who said wind turbines cause cancer and wildfires can be prevented by sweeping under trees. He is to Mother Nature what alligators are to nests of baby ducks.

He bragged about gains in air and water quality made by regulations he has subsequently gutted and claimed credit for clean air statistics based on scores compiled before he was elected. Pulled us out of the Paris Accords, stripped scientific climate data off government websites, rolled back over 80 Obama-era environmental regulations and called climate change nothing but a Chinese hoax.

His first director of the EPA was an oil lobbyist and the new guy was a coal lobbyist. You can’t make stuff up like this. It’s the Environmental Protection Agency, not the Environmental Plunder Agency.

And you know that if his good buddies in the fossil fuel industry asked, he would gladly open up drilling anywhere: in the Arctic, in Central Park and on his daughter’s forehead. Well, Tiffany anyway.
Donald Trump promoting the environment is like an avalanche petitioning for trees. Like the Demon Barber of Fleet Street advertising with customer testimonials. Like William Barr talking about justice. Adolph Hitler endorsing a Holocaust museum.

And why has the man who declared bankruptcy six times undertaken this sudden 180-degree, vertebrae-snapping turn with the attempted greenwashing of the White House? Very simple, it’s all about the red versus the blue and winning the next election. With more than a little green for money involved.

His base doesn’t matter, they wouldn’t care if he outlawed shade. But someone on Team Trump must have informed the president that kids and independents consider the environment a major issue and his regressive policies and ludicrous denials and stubborn refutation of science may have electoral consequences come next November. Oh my god. Imagine that. Actual consequences. Nah, you’re right. Never happen.
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Recently, Trump tried greenwashing the White House and his administration, claiming he had done more for the environment than any other presidency, ever. In a recent speech by … Read more

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