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Slaving Under a Hot Stove

“MTG: ‘Gazpacho’ Remark About Pelosi Ruining Cafeteria Menu” (J.C. Wade, Feb. 13, 2022)

Dear Editor:

On behalf of the Progresso party, I must object to all of the vichy criticisms directed
against Ms. Greene. Not only has she whetted the appetite of our citizenry for fine
dining, but astronomers report an enormous increase in online enrollment for their
annual seminar on Primordial Soup, peapodcast by BBCC (Big Bang Cosmic Cuisine).
In fact, this year’s plenary session owes its inspiration to Congresswoman Greene.
The topic is “Stirring the Pot: Did Space Lasers Separate the Milky Way from the
Red Meat of the Southern Galaxy?” At a time when our educational system is in
arrears, even after children get off the school bus to take target practice at home,
it is important to encourage students to eat their words, so that they won’t have
to do it every day of their lives, especially once they’ve been elected to Congress.
While readers may suspect a soupçon of irony floating in alphabet, I assure you
that I have never been more serious, even in the midst of a reheated argument.
So can it, please. Stop making fun of someone who is doing her best to make
gazpacho synonymous with Sauerbraten, and both with “Arbeit macht frei,” as
it did for all the crooks who boiled the broth at dozens of last resorts in the old
Beer Hall Borscht Belt, before reaching the Okefenokee and filling the swamps.
Instead, let’s all salute her, and sing “Heil Mushroom Cloud” while we still have
a chance to breathe, let alone slurp our vowel sauce without causing a massive
gas attack. Ask not what Campbell sells; ask for whom the Warhol tolls.

Chow, and Ramen, y’all,

Minnie Strone, D.V.M.

Master Race Nutritionist
Chef Boyardi Barracks
Dalton Trumbo, GA

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WHAT’S IN A NAME PLAN?

The Washington Football Club fumbled an opportunity to redeem itself by renaming the
team the Commanders, as if the quarterback decided to light up a cigarette on board an
aircraft carrier while the military-industrial complex called the signals from the sidelines.
A far better name, one that honors tradition while being in touch with today’s NY Times,
would be the Washington Emoluments, although Washington Insurrectionists might be
a fan favorite, as well. Other possibilities include Foggy Bottoms, Capitol Gainers, and
Post Patterns, in honor of the local paper. While the old name was both embarrassing
and racially offensive, the term Rednecks would certainly reflect both the atmosphere
in America and current membership in Congress, not to mention, the Supreme Court.
While it might cost the club a few bucks to come up with a better name than the one
they chose, or even a first-round draft pick in the 2024 primaries, it would surely be
worth it. Indeed, as bipartisan emoluments go, it’s a mere quid for all-pro. Neither
AC nor DC, but a TD, plus one two-power point conversion, from inside the Beltway.
Besides, as history proves, there’s already been far too many Commanders in Chief,
and not enough pigskins on the pork barrel to feed the hungry and clothe the poor.

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PUTIN-on everyone’s lips

Putin’s WAR of choice.

Ukraine doesn’t want to be part of Russia.

Russians don’t want to die invading their Ukrainian neighbors… so we are left with Emperor Vlad thinking “he decides” where the borders are drawn in “Mr. Vlad’s Eastern Bloc neighborhood”.

Imagine how “the Great White Whale -Trump” would handle this crisis-“what crisis-what is a Uclaim?”.

Will Tucker Carlson tell everyone this is a great day for Autocratic-anti vax- freedom fighters?

Will Fox News bang it’s war drums? The same drum set they BANG for every other war in the last 30 years.

NATO doesn’t need OUR boots or blood on the ground- Europe just needs to boot Putin and his crooked oligarchy out of Western Banks, real estate and investments- right now is a perfect time for that withdrawal.

London is the seat of choice for big assed Russian aristocrats.
England especially- has been an enabler for money laundering, Putin’s mafia, energy barons and all the Klingons stealing from the Eastern Bloc nebula.

When the Russian ruling class gets their neck wrung financially, and Russians get tired of sons sent home in coffins- Putin will be removed by his own frenemies.

White Whale Trump- was Putin’s last hope for an American President willing to roll out a red carpet and Klingon his Kremlin ass.

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Where the Rubber Meets the Room

The truth about the food fight at Golden Corral has finally been revealed, sans Onion.
Turns out that it was neither a shortage of steak nor someone being served ahead of
other patrons, but rather, three different cuts of meat that were offered to diners, in
order of their standing in the surrounding community. The gentry qualified for filet
Michelin, the suburbanites got prime Bridgestone, while all the folks from Philly had
to settle for cheese steak à la Uniroyal. The manager belatedly apologized for such
invidious discrimination, and swore (under his breath) that from now on, the family
restaurant in Benshamonem, PA would only serve T-Boned inner tubes to each and
every one of their loyal customers, free of charge. When asked whether the steaks
would be cooked rare, medium, or well done, he said “diners will choose between
pumped up and blown out, depending on which emergency room they prefer to
use immediately afterwards.” Off-camera, he confided “we pray our business will
pick up before the paramedics do it for us, but so far, it has not been a good year.”
However, Wall Street analysts predict a bright future for GC, once the winter ends,
and the CEO of the country’s biggest stale food chain retires to his estate in Akron.

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MAZARS

Trumps accounting firm MAZARS- finally PRINTED what everyone knows – “DIS don’t add up”.

Ten years of Donald’s CROOKED accounting – officially- “garbage”.

Mazars gave Trump the Heisman-(meaning)-“no forkin way Moby DICK” .

After decades of Mazars data, no SANE company will step up to Moby’s DIRTY dishes…

Accountants JuniorDumb and EricDumber pawned Moby’s SPAM and called it lobster tails.

Will another Oil sheik bilge pump this smorgasbord GRIFT?

Either- “call the undertaker or bring in a ringer…SO-why not BOTH!

PRESENTING- Ivy league wrecking ball…Jared Kushner.

After massive bribes and political corpse twisting- Jared’s vaulted under Harvard, (tone-deaf) honorary-dumbbell ON A MISSION.
The only bar Jared passed was gas.

Jared Married Ivanka- who miraculously reincarnated as -devoted orthodox Princess diva.

SINCE Jared scripted Trump’s Palestinian policy on a cocktail napkin… RESCUING father-in-law Moby’s casino lifestyle- SHOULD BE a piece of (crummy) wedding cake.

BEHOLD- a growing “slime” family, (even the walls were wailing).

DINING with Kushner’s…priceless whines – stiffed waiters.

Charlie’s specialty- real estate scams topped with FAKE piety- BITTER just desserts- (ala-fart).

Charlie Kushner cooked- BOTH sets of his books.

Trump’s Presidential pardon -exhumated Charlie’s piggish FRAUD and pork barrel RACKETEERING; shameless YES…but Ivanka’s spawn could only visit Gramps in PRISON!

CONVICT CHARLIES submarine- moored below Poop-a-Lago.

Jared’s lifeboat- (Ivanka), paid off for Kushner like a rigged slot machine! WhaddaPAYback!

Being pardoned by Moby Dick (the Great white Snail), reminded Harpooned Charlie, Floating Corpse Jared, Princess FAKka and even those confused dunce caps at MAZARS-

Schemes… really DO -come True.

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