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TUCKER IS A GREEN M&M F**KER

“TUCKER IS A GREEN M&M F**KER”

For purposes of full disclosure, I must say
Triggering snowflakes is my poetic forte.
If this is the first poem of mine you’ve read,
Some antediluvian types may end up dead.
My words are like irresistible, raw red meat
That all the right-wingers are forced to eat!
Like Fox “News” fascist fool Tucker Carlson
Who on TV made it clear he loves M&M’s.
And by “love” I mean Tucker wants to hump
All of the green M&M’s, and so does Trump!
The real reason Melania won’t hold his hand
Is because of all of the green M&M stains.
“It melts in your mouth, not in your hands”
Is M&M’s clearly sexual long-time slogan.
But of course we all know that’s not true,
They’ll melt in both if you know what to do!
So the rich bow-tie boy Tucker is outraged
The green M&M no longer has sexy legs,
Because her go-go boots were removed
And replaced with some sensible shoes.
Get a life, you racist Trumptarded pervert!
And stop fondling your chocolate dessert!

Jake Pickering
Arcata, CA, USA

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The Humor Times Review

The Humor Times Review (Brace Yourselves)

As if it matters I finally had the opportunity of reading the Sacramento, CA publication of the Humor Times. Please forgive me, I’m only 38 and have been spending most of my adult life curving my ex-boyfriends of the past present and future and their many attempts to exploit and kill me. The Humor times is the most informative, noo I’m not going insane, the politics of America really is shitty resource guide.

Starved and looking for a good read I came across the publication on a limited time free magazine stand located at the Carver School Rd branch library of Winston-Salem, N.C. I had the opportunity of reviewing the last years of our countries what the hell is going on moments. What did I learn or what did I miss?
#1 I didn’t miss a damn thing
#2 The articles did remind me that our country focus’s more on greed and who has the upper hand. Not to mention the losing race war including the human race. What matters the most is the safety and well being of mankind.

Thank You Humor Times for your entertaining, thought provoking, educational, and inspiring news letter.

VET

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Give Us This Day Our Daily Brawl

Among the many ironies surrounding the “food fight” at Golden Corral, here are some
that reporters have overlooked completely: (1) The township of Bensalem (founded in
1682) was named in honor of William Penn–a devout Quaker. Bensalem means “Son
of Peace” in Hebrew and Arabic. (2) The brawl occurred beneath a big sign in the main
dining area that read “Gather.” (3) The man who can be heard saying “all I wanted was
some steak” was quoting Matthew 27:46, albeit in post-insurrection translation. Surely,
’tis a constipation devoutly to be missed, especially if you have no desire to participate
in the last supper ahead of schedule. The lesson to be learned from this Biblical flood
of passion requires repentance at every repast, including breakfast buffet communion.
Otherwise, the world will descend into chaos, and the number of the roast beast will be $666 per sinful patron, to cover the rising costs of furniture, plate glass, and band-aids.
From now on, thou shalt honor thy server, and allow other customers to go before thee.
The Lord shall prepare a table for thee in the presence of thy enemies; thy plastic cups
have lids, so they won’t spill when you get run over by one of God’s overgrown children.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow you into the parking lot, until you get indigestion.
In the words of the founder of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, “sufficient unto the
menu is the watery oatmeal thereof.” Amen–and abandon all Coke, ye who dine here.

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TRUMP WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA

“TRUMP WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA”

(Sung to the tune “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by The Charlie Daniels Band, released in 1979)

Trump went down to Georgia,
He was lookin’ for an election to steal
He was in a bind ‘cause he was way behind
And he was willin’ to make a deal

When he came across Brad Raffensperger
Georgia’s Secretary of State
Trump jumped up on a hickory stump
And said “I just want to find 11,780 votes.”

I guess you didn’t know,
But Trump’s a chump and a big loser too
And if you’d care to take a dare,
Trump will make a bet with you
Raffensperger is a real Republican
But give Donald Trump his due
He’ll bet a Trump Tower toilet of gold
Against your soul
‘Cause Trump thinks he’s better than you

Raffensperger said, “My name is Brad
And it might be a sin
But I’ll take your bet, you’re gonna regret
That I released the tape of Trump begging”

Brad, rat him out, play the Trump tapes hard
‘Cause Hell’s broke loose in Georgia
And Raffensperger holds the Trump card
And if you win, you get this shiny toilet
Made of gold
But if you lose, this election is stole

Trump’s lawyer opened up his briefcase and
Rudy Giuliani said “I’ll start this freak show”
As black hair dye dripped down his face at
Rudy’s sweaty Four Seasons Landscaping
Press conference fiasco
And Rudy played woe is me on violin strings
As Giuliani’s old tight ass made an evil hiss
Then a band of lunatic lawyers joined in
And it sounded something like this

When Giuliani finished, Brad said
“Well you’re pretty stupid and dumb
But sit down in the chair right there
And let me show you how it’s done”

Indictments at the state level
Run Republicans, run
Trump wants a Trump Tower in Russia
Trump, Jr. & Kimberly Guilfoyle snort blow
Putin told Trump to run, go traitor go

Trump shook his empty head, because
He couldn’t handle being beat
And Trump dumped his golden toilet
At Brad Raffensperger’s feet
Brad said, “Donald just come on back
If you ever wanna try again
I done told you once you son of a Nazi,
You’re the worst that’s ever been”

Indictments at the state level
Run Republicans, run
Trump wants a Trump Tower in Russia
Trump Jr. & Kimberly Guilfoyle snort blow
Putin told Trump to run, go traitor go

Jake Pickering
Arcata, CA, USA

Mailing Address: P.O. Box 3050
Eureka, CA 95502, USA

Phone Number: (707) 683-6285

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CHERNOBYL

Chernobyl: located on the Pripyat River, straddling the “line of control” between Ukraine and Russia.

A Soviet era house guest -who has never left-

A catastrophic meltdown in April 1986 rendered the surrounding area uninhabitable for about 20,000 years.

Chernobyl cost 100+ billion dollars to clean up, like Fukushima, it presents acute radiation problems that are environmentally unsolvable.

Chernobyl radiation deaths between 1990-2004 are estimated to be 200,000. Besides 30+ workers who perished (nearly immediately), definitive numbers are embarrassing (and perpetual).

350,000+ were evacuated in 1986, casualties in Europe are estimated to be 16,000+ from radiation syndrome.

Nuclear power was never safe, Russia never a good neighbor. Maybe Putin could spelunk into the reactor core and reporting why temperatures are inexplicitly rising inside?

Versed in the poisonous effects of radiation, Putin must realize the dangers of stray missiles exploding the sarcophagus entombing that reactor- (called IFS-2).

Since Russian was (still is) financially broke, this protective structure was completed by Framatome (France) in 2017, financed by a European consortium, contract expiring- 2065.

Putin Be the HERO, not a ZERO- – Jettison your billion-dollar castle, rush in for another “mission regrettable”.

Kiss your State issued Mistress adieu… (what’s her name) is chained outside til you get back!

Comrade Vlad…fly your BULLET PROOF communist party Lamborghini to Chernobyl.

Outside that failed Soviet reactor, stands a monument, dedicated to Ukraine and Russian HERO’S who UNDERSTOOD THEY were sacrificing THEIR lives for humanity.

Inscribed in brass-“THOSE WHO SAVED THE WORLD”.

Could Vlad EVER stand that tall?

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